Film Review: Meet the Spartans

Meet the Spartans

• Publisher: 20th Century Fox
• Studio: Regency / 3 in the Box
• Genre: Comedy
• Release: 25 January 2008
• Directors: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
• Producers: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer, Peter Safran
• Writers: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer

Previously on the SDP, I reviewed Disaster Movie, an entry in the oeuvre of filmmakers Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, inasmuch as I can call them filmmakers, that is. Their previous film, released earlier in 2008, was Meet the Spartans, and it attempted to mix up their formula by focusing on the plot of one particular movie as opposed to a few loosely connected ones, namely 300, the ancient-Greek-set, Frank-Miller-comic-based blockbuster from the year before. And unsurprisingly, it sucked. In fact, I've got so much bile to direct at this film, I cut down on the time I spent summarising its events in favour of analysing the specific parts that tick me off.

Our story stars a mister Leonidas (Sean McGuire), who trains from a young age to become a soldier, marries a miss Margo (Carmen Electra), and becomes the king of Sparta. And he certainly didn't get that crown for his acting acumen, that's for sure. Mr. McGuire puts on a Scottish accent in attempt to emulate Gerard Butler, who played the same character in the real 300, but it's so unevenly thick that it ends up feeling nothing like the real thing. And don't get me started on Carmen Electra, who doubtless was casted based on sex appeal first and everything else second. Which implies some unfortunate things about what producers think of their audiences, but that's a rant for another day.

With its open-quote protagonists close-quote established, Meet the Spartans takes on one of the more famous scenes from 300: the Pit of Death. You know the drill: "This is madness", "This is Sparta", kick 'im in. Apart from some gratuitous spittle added to the final line, it starts out relatively faithful to the original. But then Leonidas gets carried away and kicks in some of the more punchable public figures of 2007, such as Britney Spears (Nicole Parker), American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar (Tony Yalda), and the judges from said show. From first kick to last, this scene lasts for 160 seconds and 10 casualties, which makes me wonder: have these guys never heard of the "Rule of Three"? As currently defined by TVTropes, the Rule of Three is "a pattern used in stories and jokes, where part of the story is told three times, with minor variations." Let a pun or a gag run for more than three instances, and it runs the risk of getting old or unfunny in some other regard.

Also, I am hesitant to call this a parody of the original Pit of Death scene. Sure, he may have kicked some unusual characters down there, but when you get right down to it, it's generally the same routine over and over. Why not experiment with different types of strikes, or have someone fall down there accidentally? Listen, I don't want bad things to go away; I want them to learn from their mistakes and come back better. ...After having gone away to do so. But one thing I would rather go away for good would be an earlier scene where Leonidas is "training" his son (Hunter Clary), and by open-quote training close-quote, I mean beating him up with a sequence of increasingly brutal moves. Not only does he break the Rule of Three here as well, but this gag wasn't funny the first time around! I mean, the poor little guy's half Leo's size! Dude? Not cool. Just. Not. Cool. Now, I've seen (and am thinking of reviewing) Ken'ichi: The Mightiest Disciple so I know the value of building up your abilities through training, but this? This is just traumatic! Not just for him, but traumatic to watch, too! But most important of all, it's Just. Not. Funny.

Jumping back forward a bit, Leonidas assembles his army to sock it to the Persians, but only manages 13 soldiers, as opposed to the 300 that the source material would have you believe. Among them are a captain named... Captain (Kevin Sorbo), his son named... Sonio (Travis van Winkle), and a fat kid named Dilio (Jareb Dauplaise). Not to mention, one of the Spartan councilmen is named Traitoro (Diedrich Bader), and if you guessed that he's going to double-cross the protagonists in some capacity, then you don't get any brownie points because it was just too obvious. I can has originality plz? ...Hey, wait a minute, what's the deal-io with Dilio? (Apologies for that unfortunate bout of forced rhyming.) In the opening scene, we see that Spartan babies who don't meet certain physical standards (for example, Shrek) get thrown to the wolves, literally. Wouldn't Dilio have been preemptively weeded out as a baby? Whatever, he's here to be everyone's punching bag and this movie's source of attempted fat jokes. As in, "fat people love to eat a lot because... funny". Ugh. Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, real life contains fat people who are trying to rectify their situation instead? I am reminded of a quote from the Simpsons episode "King Size Homer":

Homer Simpson: This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hard working as everybody else. And they're going to make their voices heard! All they need is a leader.

You go, Ho'. And while I'm on the subject, in my review of Disaster Movie, I threw in a brief editorial about how I thought the Hollywood movie industry was still a bit racist and "gay-cist". Whilst that is obiously not true of all American screenwriters and directors, I certainly get that impression with messrs. Seltzerberg, and Meet the Spartans is perhaps their worst movie of all in that regard. What I mean by that is, because the Spartan characters in 300 all had ripped physiques and fought in a certain degree of undress, apparently messrs. Seltzerberg thought the logical extention of that should be to make them questionably homosexual. Leo's married to Carmen Electra, so those accusations can only go so far -- but these guys travel long distances by skipping gaily, arms locked in rows of two, singing Gloria Gaynor's hit "I Will Survive". Back on the home front, the men greet each other with deep tongue-kisses where they'd give high-fives to the ladies. And one of their (many) advert riffs, based on the Budweiser "Real Men of Genius" series, is all about them being closeted homosexuals. I could maybe appreciate this sort of thing solely as a reversal of Hollywood's traditional pandering to the male gaze -- and there's no shortage of that, given the presence of Carmen Electra -- but that argument doesn't hold up because the men's ambiguously gay status is thrust upon them (no pun intended) solely for us to laugh at. Well, the joke's on you bub -- even without the offensive context, it's just. Not. Funny.

Whatever. The Spartans'... um, tactical maneouvering takes them to place called the Hot Gates, where they meet Paris Hilton (also Nicole Parker). Here she is a hunchback, because... the character playing her role in the original 300 was himself a hunchback. Huh, I don't usually answer those "because..." lines fully. But if you haven't yet seen or read 300, you may be asking yourself why Paris Hilton is a hunchback. And that would be a very good question. Maybe it's because we're supposed to like seeing these famous wastes of space get taken down a peg. That's a pretty dangerous assumption to make, I tell ya. So then a Persian squad shows up and challenges the Spartans to a breakdance competition and a "Yo Mamma" battle, both of which the Spartans win. Also, Dilio gets his eyes scratched out at some point. As in, we see the background behind him where his eyes should be. Umm... aren't we supposed to be seeing the insides of his eye sockets instead? I mean, I'm kinda squeamish myself, but this is creepy in the wrong way. Like, the wrong side of the uncanny valley creepy. See it for yourself, if you dare.

Spooked? I warned you this effect was just wrong.

Given the... quirky, pseudo-artsy style of Zack Snyder's film and Frank Miller's comic, you'd think that would provide fodder for some true parody moments, and believe it or not, Meet The Spartans does take up that offer every once in a while. For example, there's what looks a sex scene between Leonidas and Queen Margo, until it is revealed that he was merely bench-pressing her. During the climactic fight, Leonidas takes down a sequence of enemies in a sequence abruptly alternating between slow- and fast-motion, which parodies Zach Snyder's (the director of 300) egregious use of the same. And you know how the real 300 used a lot of fake CGI sets? Well, the Persian army in Meet the Spartans is buffed up by CG-cloned soldiers projected on blue-screens behind the real ones. And call me Shirley, but this is actually somewhat funny! At least it would have been funny if the characters didn't devolve into an awkward conversation explaining the joke. And besides, messrs. Seltzerberg, you lost the right to make fun of production values (or a lack thereof) when you decided that taping some green eyelids over the guy and throwing in a cheap chroma-key effect would suitably create the effect of him losing his eyes!

Whoo... I'm starting to get angry there. For my final observation, I'd like to hurry it along... just like the film itself. See, its total running time is given as 82 minutes*, but the opening credits start at the 64 minute mark, so by all accounts, that's when the film really ends. And it shows -- the ending feels rushed. For the capstone of the climactic skirmish, the Persian king Xerxes (Ken Davitian) merges with a car to become a Transformer robot. And of course, they don't have the capability to actually show it transforming. Oh, but he's got a video-screen in his chest that plays the "Leave Britney Alone" video! Because... funny. And how do our heroes vanquish their now-gargantuan foe? They don't -- mister Xerxestron (his name, not mine) pulls his own power cord out of some socket and shuts down, crushing the Spartans in the process. And there was much rejoicing. So after one more ending scene involving a blind commander Dilio and not-Lindsey Lohan, the credits begin in the form of the cast members taking turns singing "I Will Survive". And it is with great pain that I admit this was the most fun I had watching this movie. It's like the ending to a Broadway musical, which is probably what this movie should've been. I mean, it's got the same budget, so no big leap, right? A whole bunch of deleted scenes fill up the remaining time in between bouts of non-singing credits, after which you are now free to turn off your TV. Sorry for making you wait.

*Refers to the theatrically-released version. The unrated edition, which I did not account for in this review, runs for 86 minutes.

Among the entries of the Seltzerberg eouvre, Disaster Movie may suffer more blatant disregard for it source material (remember miss "Enchanted Princess"?), I think watching Meet the Spartans makes me feel worse. So much of the commentary on celebrities and the LGBT community, whether stated outright or inferred by me, is just hateful. And even if all that were not considered offensive, it takes the dubious crown for the most unfunny film classified as a comedy which I've ever witnessed (take that overly narrow description for what you will). And the horribly fake acting and cheap production values serve as the nails in this coffin. Or is it casket... Regardless, make no mistake: watching this movie is like dining in Hell.

Positives:
+ By retelling the story of one movie, it's a bit more focused than some of Seltzerburg's other efforts.
+ It's short.

Negatives:
- Relies on unfunny, even offensive, jokes repeated way too often.
- Totally fake acting.
- Lousy special effects.
- A fifth of its runtime is spent on the credits.

Acting: 1 Sparta-kicks out of 5
Writing: 0 Sparta-kicks out of 5
Special Effects: 1 Sparta-kicks out of 5

Visual Design: 1 Sparta-kicks out of 5
The Call: 15% (F)

Music Review: My Humps

"My Humps"

• Artist: The Black Eyed Peas
• Album: Monkey Business
• Release: 20 September 2005
• Label: A&M (Universal)
• Genre: Hip-hop
• Writers: William "will.i.am" Adams, David Payton
• Producers: will.i.am

Recently I happened to hear the Black Eyed Peas's "My Humps" on the radio for the first time in years. The fact that I hadn't heard the original version in so long surprised me, considering how much the song had seeped into our collective culture since then. It's garnered cover versions and parodies by the likes of Alanis Morisette, Flight of the Conchords, and the cast of MADtv. It's been (mis)quoted in the treadmill scene from Blades of Glory, only for that scene to be sampled again by Jay-Z and Kanye West's song "[nouns] In Paris". And its reputation has snowballed to that of one of the worst pop songs of all time. But now that it's been given a cooling-down period, in which like a dozen songs have taken its place as "worst pop song of all time", I think now might be the time to ask, what makes it tick? What gives "My Humps" its reputation, whatever it may be?

First, we must understand the core concept of this song. I'll give it to you myself before Fergie has a chance to jump in. Apparently, , which she accepts despite her internal reservations. Well, I must say that has great potential as a topic to write a song about. As someone who's played Spec Ops: The Line, I'm a big fan of cognitive dissonance as a narrative tool. So how does Fergie portray this message?

I drive these brothers crazy
I do it on the daily
They treat me really nicely
They buy me all these ices

Okay, so Fergie (or the character she's portraying in the song) is such an attractive mating prospect that all the random men around her are attempting to get her attention by offering her presents of expensive brand-name luxury items. Now for the product placement parade!

Dolce and Gabbana™
Fendi™ and then Donna
Karan™ they be sharin'

Okay, so maybe that wasn't exactly product placement, per se. I mean, I don't know if whatever brands I satirically embellished with trademark symbols actually paid to have themselves mentioned in this song, which is the textbook definition of "product placement". But with so many brands mentioned in such a short span of time, it can't be a coincidence, right? Okay, maybe it is a coincidence. But even if these recording artists are doing all these promotional references simply pro-bono, the sum of it all still contributes to an unhealthy culture in which personal value is measured not by what one does with his or her life, but by what one buys. Let me put it to you this way: the world needed Macklemore's "Thrift Shop".

All their money got me wearing fly
Whether I ain't asking

What's this? She wasn't asking for any of these gifts in the first place? Please, Fergie, tell me more!

They say they love my [noun] in
Seven Jeans™, True Religion™

Aw man, I thought we were done with the product placement -- oh, I'm sorry -- "product placement". The quotes are important.

I say no but they keep giving
So I keep on taking
And no I ain't taken
We can keep on dating,
Now keep on demonstrating
My love

And here's the conflict. Fergie's initial response to all those suitors is to decline them, not that we're ever privy to her reasons for doing so, mind you. I mean, she doesn't even have a boyfriend in this song. But those luxury goods the fellas sweeten the deal with have apparently broken her down, because now she's accepting them with the prospect of them being friends. But to what end? Is she just in it for the free goodies? Because that's the most I've got to go by! That's why I'm more disappointed with "My Humps" than any other emotion: an intriguing concept has been set up by setting the stage of Fergie's internal conflict of interests, but by not giving us more detail on the matter, the concept fails to live up to its potential.

Or so I thought, but then I remembered that will.i.am has a verse on "My Humps" as well. Huh, you'd think with his ego he'd have jumped in sooner. But, it'll be interesting to hear the man's perspective on our ongoing dilemma.

I met a girl down at the disco
She said hey, hey-hey, yeah let's go
I can be your baby, you could be my honey
Let's spend time not money

Wait a minute, "spend time, not money"?

And mix your milk with my cocoa puff
Milky milky cocoa
Mix your milk with my cocoa puff
Milky milky riiiiide...

Uhh... Was that supposed to be a sexual innuendo, or just some lame attempt at launching a catchphrase? Oh yeah, and there's also this call-and-response bit between will.i.am and Fergie, arguably the most famous part of the song. I won't bother pasting the lyrics for this part, because you probably know it already, and there's nothing to analyse, really. And now back to Fergie.

You can look but you can't touch it
If you touch it, I'mma
Start some drama

Oh, so you do have standards.

You don't want no drama
No-no drama
No-no-no-no drama

Yeah, we get it. You don't want drama. Can we move on, please?

So don't pull on my hand boy
You ain't my man boy
I'm just trying to dance boy
And move my hump

Wait a minute, Fergie! Didn't you say at the end of the first verse that you and he "can keep on dating"? What's up with the sudden switcheroo? I like to think that some time has passed between the first and second verse, and Fergie's picked up a number of boyfriends in the interim time, only to get sick of their company. But that's just it: I only think that all this happened. If the consumer is required to read between the lines in order to receive the full experience, then you have on your hands a defective piece of art.

Speaking of defective, the music isn't exactly minimal, but I would describe it as "cheap". If I didn't know better, I'd claim this was produced by the Neptunes on a bad day. But that's not the worst part of this song. Nor is it the lyrics, or the themes they (attempt to) present. In fact, in the hands of more capable performers, this song might even be salvagable. My problem with this song is that Fergie's performance lacks the sense of irony needed to pull this off. Without it, she just sounds like an annoying, blithering idiot, and those qualities unfortunately seep into the character she plays, transforming her into a materialist "dumb blonde", hair colour notwithstanding. Even taking all of the above into account, I wouldn't nearly call this the worst pop song of all time, especially next to the likes of "Hollaback Girl" and "Laffy Taffy", both of which came out in the same year as this. But "My Humps" could have -- nay, should have -- been a lot better.

Music: 1 hump out of 5
Lyrics: 2 humps out of 5
Performance: 1 hump out of 5
The Call: 1 hump out of 5 (F)

Game Review: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG

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SONIC THE HEDGEHOG
Publisher: Sega
Developer: Sonic Team
Release:
XBox 360: 14 November 2006
PlayStation 3: 30 January 2007
Genre: 3D Action (Platformer)
Players: 1-2

Okay, by now, if you're a repeat visitor of this blog (in which case WHY HAVE YOU NOT SUBSCRIBED YET), you may have noticed my running gag of mentioning the sad fate of the would-be video game Mega Man Legends 3. Subsequently, if you haven't yet Liked the Facebook group GetMeOffTheMoon, the movement to revive development of Legends 3, you have no soul. Now, I can't remember any specific links to this, but on said page I have also read about a (considerably smaller) movement to plead of Sega to make a Sonic Adventure 3. What if I told you we already have a Sonic Adventure 3? And what if it was so bad you might disregard it and resume petitioning for a real Sonic Adventure sequel? Such is the sad fate of 2006's SONIC THE HEDGEHOG for XBox 360 and PlayStation 3. (NB: From here on in, I'm writing its title in capital letters to differentiate it from the Sega Genesis title, since PSN does the same.)

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Running from a killer whale. Deja vu.

There is a plot to be had, in which a certain Princess Elise is kidnapped by Dr. Eggman (whoa, encroaching on Bowser's territory there), who seeks from her something called the Flames of Disaster. Time travel is also involved. But let's put that aside for the moment and examine the first levels of the game. From an urban hub world (which by the way, is easy to get lost in with the little-to-no guidance you're given), you transfer to Wave Ocean, set on a beach, cliffs, and wooden walkways, capped off with a chase from a killer whale. Sound familiar? That's because this concept was copied directly from the first level of Sonic Adventure! And multiple other settings, such as the snow world and the volcano, appear in Sonic's story in a similar order as their Adventure counterparts. This being the case, I would totally not be surprised if Sonic Team revealed this to be an attempt at making an HD remake of Adventure. Unfortunately, they left Adventure's (admittedly vast) room for error unimproved whilst fouling up in nearly every other conceivable aspect.

Like the Sonic Adventure duology, the single-player mode is broken up into three stories, each starring a different hedgehog. Sonic gets one, Shadow another, and the third stars the newcomer Silver. The majority of levels are no-frills 3D platforming, your objective being to reach the end of each level, somehow surviving every obstacle to come your way. The levels feature your standard array of loops, spikes, dash pads, and checkpoints, as seen in Sonic Adventure. It's too bad the control scheme and movement physics are still poorly-suited for a 3-D platformer. Like for example, and for the record this problem has been around since Sonic Adventure, if you turn whilst running, your player character will not lose momentum. As the Sonic franchise had yet to overcome its crippling addiction of adding new characters for each new outing, every so often you'll tag with characters like Tails, Knuckles, Rouge and Blaze, to clear passages as them and help out the main character. They all have unique mechanics, i.e. Tails can fly and throw fake-ring bombs, but these tend to backfire. For example, in the case of Tails, the flight controls are even more twitchy than those on foot, making landing on a precise spot a tense chore, and whilst you can aim projectiles, there's no cursor for doing so, adding an unwelcome and unnecessary bit of guesswork to the matter. At least the Knuckles treasure hunts of Adventure/2 are a thing of the past.

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This format extends to all three campaigns, Sonic, Shadow and Silver, but with their own separate twists. In some parts of Sonic's levels, you are "treated" to high-speed chase sequences, and I mean "treated" with the thickest sarcasm I can muster. In these auto-running passages, Sonic must dodge all obstacles, from enemies to lowly rocks and trees, lest he take damage and lose either rings or a life. This wouldn't be so bad, except the controls are so touchy that even keeping a straight course requires nerves of steel. In a more sensible control scheme, pressing Left or Right on the joystick would make Sonic strafe in that direction whilst still facing the same way, but as it's implented here, turning left or right means literally turning your course left or right. If you're on a walkway trying to collect some precious rings or a 1-up, but touching the guardrails on either side will hurt you, you can see why this would be a problem. The Sonic Unleashed engine shows how this mechanic could be done right, so at least we can't say Sonic Team doesn't learn from their mistakes.

Silver the Hedgehog can control objects with telekinesis -- and break the physics engine doing so.

Meanwhile, Shadow can hop into armed vehicles when available (Dangit Sega, we're trying to forget Shadow The Hedgehog!). Silver, being gifted with psychic powers, can maniplate objects with telekinesis, and throw them back at enemies and other targets. You think I'd find that awesome, but my experiences controlling Silver have left me coloured unimpressed. See, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG incorporates the Havok physics engine, made famous by Half-Life 2, a game I really liked. But SONIC THE HEDGEHOG turns that asset into a liability, because collision detection is constantly on the fritz, and coupled with the stiff and unruly camera and the hyped-up control sensitivity, makes for unnecessarily challenging movement. Whilst collision issues have been around since Adventure, what's new here is that there are all manner of physics glitches brought upon by the Havok engine, as implemented in this game. One example has Sonic doing trip-attacks atop a crate, causing the box and Sonic to inexplicably rise up in the air. See the video below for this and other examples.

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And now to discuss what is perhaps the game's most infamous iss--

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--ue. You guessed it: the loading times. It's not that each bout of loading is incredibly long -- most individual loads take but twenty seconds apiece on the PS3 version -- but that they are frequent and horribly inefficient. For example, take the case of an early boss fight against Silver, which takes place in a section of one of the overworld towns. The current state of investigations seems to indicate that when loading this fight, the entire town is sent over from the disc, despite the fight taking place in a relatively enclosed space the size of one city block. Or take the numerous side-missions, triggered by speaking with people across the overworld. Whilst only a handful are required to complete the story, they'll get on your nerves, and here's why:

1. Talk to the person.
2. 20 seconds of loading.
3. Read a line or two of non-voiced text, vaguely describing your objective.
4. 20 seconds of loading.
5. Play the mission.
6. 20 seconds of loading.
7. Read a line of non-voiced text, confirming your success or failure. If you won the mission, your results and rewards are also displayed.
8. 20 seconds of loading.
9. Return to the town. If you failed the mission, repeat from step 1.

Are you wondering why there's so much loading before steps 3 and 7, if nothing much is happening? Again, it is highly likely that the game is reloading the entire town during these steps, even though you're only waiting to read a line or two of text -- without even voice acting! What they should've done is display these minuscule monologues on the loading screens, thus knocking out any excuses for reloading the world for a scene that only lasts for mere seconds. But what do I know about big-budget game development? I'm sure Sonic Team knows something I don't about how to go about these things, given the time and effort they spent on the project -- oh wait, they crammed to put it out for Christmas and the PlayStation 3 launch. Let this be a lesson that cram schedules will get you nowhere. It backfired for the Atari E.T., and it backfired here.

>>> NOW That's enough, this loading joke has gone on long enough.

SONIC THE HEDGEHOG is one of the most offensive video games I have yet played. True, there are games out there that are quantifiably worse, not to mention intentionally offensive, but SONIC THE HEDGEHOG specifically offends my sensibilties as a gamer. And it's not like there aren't good touches here and there, like the purchasable and upgradable Custom Actions. And it's not like I don't want this to exist, I want it to be better. I mean, just a few little tweaks here and there could've been applied to make the final product passable, perhaps even good. First of all, trim all that fat off of the loading times. Make a control scheme that doesn't feel like you're sliding on ice. Give us a better indication of what to do next in the overworlds, or axe them completely. Not to mention, throw in a metric butt-load of extra testing time. ...Shoot, that's a lot of stuff to fix. On second thought, just scrap the whole thing and give us Sonic Colors.

Positives:

+ The upgrade system.

+ A few cool environments.

+ A decent soundtrack, par for the Sonic course.

Negatives:

- Awful 3D controls.

- Broken physics.

- Horribly inefficient loading.

- Inane story moments.

- Basically an even-worse retread of Sonic Adventure.

Control: 1 Chaos Emerald out of 5
Design: 2 Chaos Emeralds out of 5
Graphics: 2 Chaos Emeralds out of 5
Audio: 4 Chaos Emeralds out of 5
Value: 2 Chaos Emeralds out of 5
The Call: 25% (F)

NB: I should note that my experiences playing SONIC THE HEDGEHOG were based on the PlayStation 3 version, which followed the original release on XBox 360 by a couple of months. Despite the extra time, the PS3 port is somehow worse. Loading times are several seconds longer on the PS3 than the 360, and despite the eventual support for Trophies on PS3 games, the counterpart Achievements from the 360 version were never patched into the other one (and I know for a fact this has been done). This is cause for concern on the matter of the collectable Silver Medallions. These unlock nothing within the game itself, but find them all in the XBox 360 port, and you win an Achievement for it. But without a corresponding Trophy, the Silver Medallions are worthless.

Music March: Scream & Shout

Previously on the SDP, I reviewed two songs at once, including "Thrift Shop", which spent four weeks at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Here is one of the songs it managed to fend off.

"Scream & Shout"

• Artist: will.i.am & Britney Spears
• Album: #willpower
• Release: 20, November 2012
• Label: Interscope (Universal)
• Genre: Dance, Hip-Hop/Rap
• Writers: William "will.i.am" Adams, Jean Baptiste, Jef "Lazy Jay" Martens
• Producers: will.i.am, Lazy Jay

If I've learned anything about the Black Eyed Peas, it's that will.i.am is something of a glory hog, especially on their last couple of albums. Sure, Fergie gets a pass, being a hot girl who was not part of their original lineup, but on any given song after the Elephunk album, the remaining members apl.de.ap and Taboo can't seem to get the combined mic time of either other member. The same goes for will.i.am's solo single "Scream & Shout". It's true he got Britney Spears as a guest singer, but she is severely under-used, being given only the bridges and a few sing-alongs with will in the chorus. Here is how the former starts:

When you hear this in the club
You're gonna turn this [noun] up
You're gonna turn this [noun] up
You're gonna turn this [noun] up

We're off to a bad start. Britney Spears is repeating meaningless lines -- with a bad word in them, no less. And what's with that baritone and British accent she's put on? Are you sure this is even Britney?

I wanna scream and shout
And let it all out

The chorus is equally lazy, relying on repeating lines like this. And it ends with:

You are now, now rockin' with
will.i.am and Britney, [noun]

Heh, font humour. The reason I wrote those last words in Times New Roman is because that sound bite was taken from Britney's 2007 "comeback" single "Gimme More". Man, will.i.am's doing everything in his power to keep his guest out of the spotlight! For shame.

So then the first verse kicks in and, I'll tell you what, it's not even worth analysing. It's just a bunch of different ways in which will.i.am is egging us on to have a good time. So let's move on to the second verse... there is none. After the next chorus, we instead jump to what is known in musical jargon as the "Middle 8". Wait...

It goes on and on and on and on
When me and you party together
I wish this night would last forever
'Cause I was feeling down, and now I'm better

We're at the Middle 8 already? Maybe if they didn't rely so much on repetition, they would've had the space to write a second verse! Whatever, I appreciate how this section provides some degree of emotional connection. (See also: Usher's "DJ Got Us Falling In Love") In overly simple terms, yes; will.i.am was feeling badly before attending the party du jour, but spending some time there has brought his spirits back up. ...To be fair, I didn't manage to say with rhyme and meter. Seriously, I think this might be the best part of the song! We've still got four more lines in this section, so how will they manage to expound on that?

It goes on and on and on and on
When me and you party together
I wish this night would last forever...
Ever... ever... ever...

And they wasted the opportunity by repeating the whole thing. Shouldn't have been surprised. In fact, I don't even know why I wasted my time reviewing this party tripe. Musically, "Scream & Shout" does some interesting things, with the bassline in some parts evoking the Prince-produced funk of the early '80s. But other parts counteract that with some unacceptably tinny synth-work. And yes, there is a "dirty bit" in this song, too. This song may have become a guilty pleasure of mine, but all things considered, it's lazily executed and gives the world nothing of value.

Lyrics: 1 "dirty bit" out of 5
Music: 2 "dirty bits" out of 5
Performance: 1 "dirty bit" out of 5
The Call: 1 "dirty bit" out of 5 (F)

Music Review: Holiday Rap

Holiday Rap

• Artist: M.C. Miker 'G' & Deejay Sven
• Album: non-album single
• Release: 1986
• Genre: Hip-Hop
• Label: Rush Records, High Fashion Music
• Writers: Brian Bennett, Curtis L. Hudson, Bruce Welch Lisa Stevens, Lucien Witteveen, Sven van Veen
• Producer: Ben Liebrand

Since I'm apparently in the business of discussing non-American songs, let's try another.  This one, "Holiday Rap" has the benefit of having been performed in English, by the Dutch duo MC Miker G & Deejay Sven.  Its rise to fame was quite unlike that of "Gangnam Style", initially at least; after its release in 1986, it rose through the usual channels and hit #1 in multiple countries, including their native Netherlands.  It didn't chart in America, but it did peak at #9 in Canada, so close enough.  So how do I know this song even exists?  Like "Gangnam Style", I was only made aware of this song's existence because of YouTube, but this time around, it was another video doing the dirty work.  "Holiday Rap" was used in a scene from the 1990 Indian film Adhisaya Piravi, and that scene was uploaded to YouTube in 2006, under the title "Little Superstar".  The clip showed a little man (Should I call him a midget or not, I can never tell?  Or is he actually a kid?) dancing to the song as it the tape was being paused and played off and on, so yeah, it was a shoo-in for Internet recognition.  But enough paratext, let's look at the real thing.

As I did before with "Regulate", the lyrics below will be colour-coded by who's on the mic.  Miker G's lines are written in red and Sven's are blue.  Also, because of the song's rarity, the official music video is hard to come by, and what is available is a low-quality rip by some random user.  In fact, the guy who uploaded this copy (assuming it doesn't get taken down) wrote this in the comments: "No words can describe how funny this is .. and the best part is that they are serious."  So, we're dealing with some weapons-grade Narm here.  This oughta be fun.

We celebrate seven weeks Miker G and Sven
We took a holiday with all our friends
It was a time to relax and let your worries behind
Exactly seven weeks or something crossed my mind

Okay, this seems simple enough.  This is a song about desiring a vacation, of the Summer variety or otherwise.  Who can't relate to that.  And what better song to sample than "Holiday" by Madonna?  Wait a minute, they sampled a song only three years old at the time.  It was from a different country, yes, but it's just weird, eh?

It was the sign of the time we never forget
One morning our parents kicked us out of our beds
We told them it was stupid, don't play the fool</
But the answer was short: "You gotta go to school!"

Your heroes, ladies and gentlemen.

G's running up and down and everybody know
Rappin', rockin', poppin' in the street-kid show

"Rappin'"?  "Rockin'"?  "Poppin'"?  You do realise those are separate music genres, right?  You're just throwing words out there, words that taken alone might be used to look cool, but the more you use them, the more you embarrass yourself.  Do I have to bring up the Mike Posner Paradox again?

Miker G rocks the house and you know what I'm saying
Now when he's on the mic there is no delaying

I wish you would delay, so you might actually think about what rhymes you're going to spit.

Hey, check it out, these are the words we say
You scream with us: "We need a holiday!"

After hearing so many filler lines, I could use a holiday myself -- from this song.

We gonna ring-reng-a-dong for a holiday
Miker G and Sven we're here to stay
We gonna ring-reng-a-dong for a holiday
Hey, check out the new style we just play

Now we're at the bridge, alternating between Miker and Sven, and again, stop throwing around words!  You're setting a bad example for Pat Monahan.  (Oh [noun] did I seriously just link to my first review!?)

We are going on a summer holiday
If you want to go yo Sven
We're going to London and New York City
And we take a little piece of Amsterdam

The chorus is sung by both Miker and Sven together, and they give shout-outs to cities, specifically places they want to vacation in.  

In the bar "Rox", what happened to you?

What?

Ain't about rocks

Huh?

Eh, Navarre rocks

You must understand, with a song this rare, the lyrics haven't been maintained as well as with other songs.  So at times like these they could be saying anything, but no matter what, they're saying nothing worthwhile.  And for the record, the first possibility was the one I found on the lyrics I copied, and the second one I'm thinking was more likely.

Well, this is my partner with the number one jam
Famous in the boogie-box in Amsterdam

He's got ya there.  In a self-fulfilling prophecy, the song did indeed reach #1 on the charts in the Netherlands, France, West Germany, and Switzerland.  Still, you may have lucked out now, but next time don't count your chickens like that.

He's the fastest rapper and his name is Miker G
His rap is stronger than the sucker MC's
Well, let me show you what my man can do
Rappin', rockin', poppin' and the boogaloo, too
But anyway, no more delay
Just listen to the beat-box he will play

The song takes a break here for Miker and Sven to indulge in a little beat-boxing, much of which sounds like record-scratching.  Beat-boxing is a talent few may posess, but take my word for it: they're sounding like idiots right around here.

My name is MC Sven, I'm also DJ
I didn't like the schools, I took another way

Wait a minute, this line is most definitely being given by Miker G, so am I hearing this right?  Did he just call himself Sven?

Yo, like the Miker G so I used my voice
And soon I bought a big Rolls-Royce

There, ya see?  He just referred to his own name in the third person!  Was this verse supposed to go to the other guy, but they forgot about it before recording?  Ladies and gentlemen, they just didn't care.  Also, bragging about fancy cars.  This was not unprecedented; even the Sugarhill Gang did this in "Rapper's Delight", the first hit rap single.  But hearing it come from these dorks is insane.

That's right, my name is Miker G

You liar.

Bite [???] is the thing most rappers do
But I can write my own [noun] too

Whoa, I thought rappers weren't supposed to swear until NWA!

I can understand things most rappers say
'Cause rappin' is my thing and i do it every day

Before Busta Rhymes came along, that wasn't so hard.

I'm the number one rapper, yo, my name is Sven
I can rap more raps than a Superman can

Okay, how many times have these guys dropped their own names by now?  Also, I'm not aware that Superman could rap, let alone with great speed.  I'll have to ask Linkara about that if I ever meet him.

So I'm the guy on your radio
Also rockin' to the rhythm in stere-ereo

That wasn't a typo: Sven really did add extra syllables to the word "stereo", as if to grab your attention.  Now, these guys are from Europe in the 80s, and I don't know how the game is played there and then, but given another place and time, I'd accuse them of being marketing hacks, of being controlled from behind the scenes like bunraku puppetry.

And you don't stop that bodyrock
And you won't stop that bodyrock
Yo, spell my name right, I'm Miker G
M-I-K-E-R and G you see

And now we have that great hip-hop tradition: spelling your own name.  As a trope that was so common during the vintage rap era, this is but one demonstration of how little Miker & Sven are defining their own personalities.

Well, M is for 'microphone' and G 'genius'
Miker G in the house that's serious

Oh, so you were trying to be serious!  I'm glad we got that straightened out in the end.  True, there's no way that I would ever take this song seriously, but I was confused as to whether or not gravitas was your goal!

So that was "Holiday Rap", and to sum up, it's like a Sugarhill Gang song performed by Vanilla Ice, which trust me, isn't as sweet as the idea sounds.  For all their tough talk, Miker and Sven seem out of touch with what the rap game is all about.  But while they might be big-huge phonies, they're never obnoxious about it, which is more than I can say about today's rappers.  "Holiday Rap" is somewhere along the lines of "Ice Ice Baby" in terms of how "so bad it's good" it is, albeit a little more on the joke side, not that they'd ever admit it.  If you can handle one of those songs, you should certainly give the other a try.

Lyrics: 1 holiday out of 5
Music: 3 holidays out of 5
Performance: 1 holiday out of 5
The Call: 1 holiday out of 5 (F)

Film Review: Disaster Movie

Disaster Movie

• Publisher: Lionsgate
• Studio: Grosvenor Park / 3 in the Box
• Release: 29 August 2008
• Genre: Comedy
• Directors: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
• Producers: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer, Peter Safran
• Writers: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer

One of my favourite things on TV is the "I Love The '80s" family of specials by VH1. I've learned so many things from all those time periods, things I never knew existed, that it more or less kicked off my interest in the 1980s. The next-best thing to them that exists in the realm of cinema would be the spoof genre kick-started by Airplane! in 1980. These days, the genre has been dominated by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, heretofore referred to as "Selzterberg". And while I derive a sort of guilty pleasure from counting all the references they collect in their films, more than anything else, their works make me cringe. 2008's Disaster Movie is commonly regarded as their worst -- no small feat -- so of course I had to track it down and review it.

The movie starts with an intro ripped straight out of 1998's Armageddeon. Another film I could be watching now! ...The fact that I'm comparing Michael Bay favourably to something is not a good sign. We jump to 10,000 10,001 BC, where a hunter-gatherer (Matt Lanter) gets into a fight with Wolf, from the American Gladiators revival, and Amy Winehouse as a sabre-toothed, gasoline-drunk beast. Yeah... joke aborted. She gives a thirty-second burping scene (some records are not meant to be broken) and warns him of the end of the world, to occur on 29 August 2008. In other words, the release date of this film. SYMBOLISM!!

Then the same man, Will, wakes up in the present day -- to be exact, the day of the end of the world, and the same day he's having a party at his loft. He's a 25-year old dude holding a Sweet 16 party because he's never had one yet. Ya know, that was quite an intelligent joke there! Too bad they had to counterpoint that by running a parody of the My Super Sweet 16 intro. A more competent writer (read: me) would've let the other joke settle. Guests at the party include Dr. Phil (it's been done), Anton Chighur from No Country For Old Men, and some broad (Kim Kardashian). That's right: Kim Kardashian, America's favourite Armenian-ethnic, is in this movie. ...Let that set the tone. So in a series of pointless events, Calvin (Gary Johnson) tries to stop Seth and McLovin' McLover, the two guys from Superbad, from stealing alcohol, the High School Musical crew break into song, and Kim Kardashian and Carmen Electra break into a WWE WOW Divas catfight. I'd be turned on if they weren't such bad actors.

Going back to the party, we are also introduced to Juno Juney, who laments about keeping her baby, in acoustic-guitar-song form. During the song, she mentions Brangelina buying her baby on eBay, except the web page she shows says "uPay". And they did this earlier, during the Amy Winehouse scene, with Facebook and "FaceNook". Ladies and gentlemen, they just didn't care. Another thing to throw on the "just didn't care" pile: this is the third Seltzerberg film in a row with a Brangelina adoption joke. Going back to not-Juno's character, she talks exclusively in-jokes written by an overly clever screenwriter (her words, not mine), and chugs a whole jug of Sunny Delight and vodka. Hardcore fetal alcohol syndrome, because... funny?

Now the real plot starts as asteroids strike the city and the film tries to live up to its own name. Will, Calvin, not-Juno, and Kim Kardashian flee into the streets together, witnessing Hannah Montana getting crushed by a meteor, and not dying for a minute and a half. See, that's the other problem with this film: even on those rare occasions where the writers managed to generate a truly funny joke, they drag it out for too long. So with conditions outside getting worse, the crew hunker down in some sort of warehouse, where they fight the Sex and the City girls for control of the space. Not-Juno wins the fight by breaking out her baby, then her water breaks over Will and Calvin -- by that, I mean a fire extinguisher breaks open behind the camera. WTF? I'm no OB-GYN, but water breaking does not work that way. See, that's the other other problem with this movie: an over-reliance on gross-out gags. Hope you enjoy spending time with the lowest common denominator, ya jerks. Me, I'll be over here doing cool things.

Like seeing into Will's dream, where he plays Hayden Christensen in Jumper, that movie about the teleporting guy. Apart from milking that concept for all it's worth, the dream sequence serves to warn Will of his commitment issues, which has driven a rift between him and his girlfriend (Vanessa Minnillo). At least, until he warps into that Narnia movie and impales himself on Prince Caspian's sword. Fun fact: When not-Caspian calls him "that guy who ruined Star Wars", he's not just referring to Christensen, but the fact that Matt Lanter did the voice of the same character in Star Wars: The Clone Wars. An unintentional joke lies in wait for anyone who's read reviews on that movie, seeing as how it's been scored worse than any of the live-action prequels, even the one with Jar-Jar Binks. But still not as badly as Disaster Movie.

With that Big Lipped Alligator Moment (TM 2008 Nostalgia Chick) out of the way, Will resolves to patch things up with his girlfriend, and the crew departs again, however another asteroid crushes Kim. And thus Kim Kardashian's character was killed off. And there was much rejoicing. That is, until she gets replaced by not-Giselle, the princess from not-Enchanted. Calvin wins her hand in a breakdancing duel, and then the plot barges back into the room. A cavalcade of superheroes tries to stop the nearest tornado - and by that I mean stand still, say their name or catchphrase, and get hit by a cow. P.S. The special effects in this scene - nay, the whole movie - are so bad that I could've pulled them off! Keeping with the Monty Python and the Holy Grail mood (yet another film you could be watching now!)... Playing the role of the Killer Rabbit is not-Alvin and the non-CGI Chipmunks! So the crew is beset by the rabid puppet chipmunks and a rabid Head-On commercial, and in the ensuing chaos, not-Juno is killed. back outside, the townspeople are evacuating, including not-Christian Bale's Batman, who shares this exchange with not-Giselle:

Batman: I'm Batman.
not-Giselle: I'm Enchanted Princes.

...

...

...

Umm... news flash: her name's Giselle, NOT "Enchanted Princess"! Which you would've learned IF YOU JUST [verb]ING WAITED!! And it's not like Enchanted was one of those Summer 2008-release films that didn't come out until after the script was written, no, it released in November of 2007, so there's just NO [verb]ING EXCUSE!! What, could you not afford the TEN DOLLARS to see the movie in theaters since you broke the bank casting Kim Kardashian? [verb] YOU SELTZERBERG, I QUIT!!!

...

Oh, right, the climax. So, Will has to get to the museum to free his trapped girlfriend. To get there, not-Giselle hijacks the Mach 5 Mach 5 1/2 from Speed Racer (you know, that thing they made a film of in 2008? Anyone remember?), which apparently has Michael Jackson hiding out in the trunk with a little boy and a monkey. Two things wrong with this picture: One, Scary Movie 4 (yet another movie you could be watching right now!) already did a Michael Jackson parody. Two, that movie was written closer to MJ's child molestation trials. By 2008, the public had accepted the fact that he was found not guilty. ...Apparently, not Seltzerberg! And the less said about how close this was to the singer's untimely death, the better.

In the museum, the gang rescues Will's girlfriend, the commitment-challenged Will starts his relationship on a new foot, and she pulls this movie's macguffin, the Crystal Skull, from out of her... from her... from... under her dress. Just then, they are beset by Beowulf and not-Po from Kung Fu Panda... who introduces himself as, "I am Kung Fu Panda!" ...Here we go again. Not-Po kills Calvin and not-Giselle (and there was much rejoicing), but Will and Amy manage to flee from Beowulf after questioning his sexuality, what with him fighting in the nude like he does in that trailer..

Sorry, I have to get back up on my soapbox again for a moment. Ladies and gentlemen... Hollywood is racist. Yeah, you heard me right. During the High School Musical parody, an Asian and nerdy (and gay) one-shot is brought on screen for a moment, and Calvin, being the African-American co-lead, spouts a laidback, uneducated accent and more ebonics than anyone in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Also his actor is billed as "G-Thang". That's right: his name ain't nothing but a "G-Thang", baby, with two doped-out writers going crazy. And also: Hollywood is gaycist. Apart from spending all his on-screen time naked, not-Beowulf says he hangs out with a life partner with whom he goes fishing and runs an antique store. Based on this information alone, Will labels him as a homosexual, which Beowulf denies, since apparently he treats this as a bad thing. *sigh* How long are we gonna last until we shrug off all these old stereotypes set up in who knows what less-informed eras? We must shrug off the media establishment NOW! SUPPORT FOREIGN FILMS!! (That means anime.) ...Oh God, I'm sounding like a Marxist revolutionary right now. Better get off the soapbox before the Tea Party sends me angry letters.

*whew* This is turning into not only one of my angriest reviews, but one of my longest, so let's wrap this up. Will meets his father, a black midget Indiana Jones (because... funny?), places the crystal skull on its altar, undoing the natural disasters, marries Amy with the help of not-Guru Pitka (Anyone remember The Love Guru? No? Good on ya.), and drops the biggest bombshell of all: he's dating Matt Damon. Yes, this film wraps up with a musical curtain call, with all the characters singing about who's dating who. For those of you not up on your late-night TV, this segment is a parody of "I'm [verb]ing Matt Damon" (the unrated version uses this title as well), a song Sarah Silverman did on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Funny thing is, a different parody by Kimmel himself, "I'm [verb]ing Ben Affleck", became more famous afterwards. It helps that the Ben Affleck version evolves into a "We Are The World"-parody, so yeah, you should check that out.

I was honestly surprised at the fact that Seltzerberg were able to throw some halfway decent jokes our way from time to time. The only problem is, whatever good stuff there is gets ruined either by the writers' non-existent sense of comedic timing, or by all the crude, pointless moments that surround them. Everything about this movie is sophomoric: the humour, yes, but also the plot and its resolution, the visual effects, and even its references were chosen without care. So many of the films, series, and personalities spoofed within had faded from memory even before Disaster Movie was released - now that, my friends, is an epic fail. Let this be a lesson to screenwriters: don't count other people's chickens before they hatch. *chu* G'night everybody!

Positives:
+ Kim Kardashian gets killed off at some point! That's something! ...Right?

Negatives:
- Haphazardly-constructed plot.
- Over-reliance on unfunny and even offensive jokes,
- The references are unoriginal and show a lack of basic research on Seltzerberg's part.
- Lousy special effects.
- Totally fake acting.

Acting: 1 falling cow out of 5
Writing: 0 falling cows out of 5
Special Effects: 0 falling cows out of 5
Visual Design: 1 falling cow out of 5
The Call: 15% (F)

Film Review: The Master Of Disguise

The Master of Disguise

• Publisher: Columbia
• Studio: Revolution / Happy Gilmore
• Release: 2 August 2002
• Genre: Comedy
• Director: Perry Andelin Blake
• Producers: Barry Bernardi, Sid Ganis,  Todd Garner, Adam Sandler, Alex Siskin
• Writers: Dana Carvey, Harris Goldberg

Dana Carvey is a genius. Whilst writing the script for his 2002 "family" film The Master of Disguise, he must have realised that the main character he was playing had become so annoying, that he decided to have him take on all manner of other personae, so as to distract the audience from its initial displeasure. At least, that's what I'd like to think happened. But even if this was true, in practice it didn't work out so well. On the contrary -- every new character that Dana Carvey portrays only serves to bug his viewers even more.

So what character could draw out so much ire? Well, it starts out with the Disguisey (pronounced dis-guy-see) family, a Sicilian-based clan whose members fought crime since the Renaissance by impersonating various people and objects with great talent. One such Disguisey, Fabbrizio (James Brolin), was responsible for the previous arrest of our villain, Devlin Bowman (Brent Spiner) by disguising himself as... Bo Derek. Let that set the tone for the rest of the film. So even though Bowman does 20 years, Fabbrizio fears for the safety of his family, and decides to settle in America and run an Italian restaurant. A word to the wise: this film hosts some of the worst Italian stereotypes this side of Jersey Shore. (I know it's a dead horse to beat on, but at least it's a more acceptable target than Hetalia, amirite?)

Fast-forward a couple of decades, and we are introduced to our ostensible hero: Pistachio Disguisey (Carvey). In literally the first shot we see him in, he's wearing underpants on his head and a shaving-cream beard. Let that also set the tone for this film. Working as a waiter in his father's restaurant, he is a well-meaning worker, but is clumsy and has an out-of-control habit of mimicking other people's voices. I call plot significance! And his voice, oh Sabrina help me! Take the worst stereotypical Italian accent you've heard, spoken from the mouth of a meth-charged five-year-old. Yeah, I just broke you. So the newly-freed Bowman has Pistachio's parents kidnapped, and the one man who comes to help him is his grandfather (Harold Gould), who teaches him the Disguisey legacy and begins his training. And I'm sorry to say that Bowman has a running "gag" of... letting his bowels play the trumpet during his multiple evil laughs. Because... funny?

Meanwhile, Fabbrizio is blackmailed by Bowman into coming out of retirement and using his disguise powers to "borrow" all matter of national treasures. He takes the Declaration of Independence as Olympic runner Michael Johnson, the Liberty Bell as then-governor of Minnesota Jesse Ventura, and the Apollo 11 lunar lander as Jessica Simpson (all played as themselves). ...Sensing a pattern here? For those playing at home, these pop-culture references date this film horribly. Anyone who's familiar with Usain Bolt or Arnold Schwarzenegger knows what I'm talking about. On the plus side, they did add some homages to "classic" material like 10 (the aforementioned Bo Derek cameo), The Exorcist, and Jaws. You know, for the parents -- who are the only ones who would get them in the first place. Oh, and if National Treasure is to be believed, these items are being held in completely fake buildings, but I digress.

Sadly, back to Pistachio. Turns out costuming is only part of the game; a Disguisey can only attain a perfect disguise by copying their voice personality, thanks to the magical force known as "Energico". (I can has creativity plz?) Seriously, while I can admire them addressing the finer needs of disguise-acting, the name "Energico" is too silly to make me care. His training also involves the Disguisey method of self-defence which, in a transparent effort to soften any potential violence, involves open-hand slapping instead of punching, in conjunction with copious (mis)use of the phrase "who's your daddy". Oh, and he needs an assistant, too: enter Jennifer Baker (Jennifer Esposito), a single mother who was introduced to Pistachio by her son. She follows a long list of appilcants whom Grandfather Disguisey dismisses for no apparent reason, but is given the job despite his and Pistachio's mutual desire for a mate with a well-stocked caboose, which she happens to lack. But she does prove a refreshing serious foil to her new co-worker; with her help, Pistachio follows Bowman's trail to the "Turtle Club" the not-Antiques Roadshow, and finally Bowman's villa.

Oh, but I skipped over the worst part: the disguises used in these places. Pistachio apparently mis-understood what the name "Turtle Club" entailed, because he dresses up in a giant turtle shell. Because... funny? When they finally meet Bowman at the antiques convention, Pistachio starts hitting on him as the pepperpot-like Gammy Num Nums, but for no reason s/he waffles and starts insulting him, leading to this line: "Well, guess what, Backstreet Boy! This is one Girl Scout who doesn't want to be the Malcolm in your Middle!" That... Impossibly, that was dated from the moment s/he said it. By 2002, the Backstreet Boys had (temporarily) broken up, and whether or not you think Malcolm in the Middle was culturally relevant, it getting cancelled a few years after the fact didn't help matters! And it fails as a sexual entendre, too... just think about that. Or not.

Despite Pistachio's best efforts, he and Jennifer get invited to Bowman's place for a party. Jennifer does some snooping in his house, whilst Pistachio distracts Bowman with such disguises as not-Tony Montana from Scarface, not-Captain Quint from Jaws, and... a grass suit with a cow pie on top. Because... funny? Never mind how, but Pistachio loses Bowman's henchmen in a brief foot chase which takes them back to the city's Italian district (which is how far away, might I ask?), only to go back and retrieve Jennifer from Bowman's custody. Oh, and there's some sub-plot involving Jennifer's ex-boyfriend. In theory, Pistachio having to deal with him would have given some character development in helping him become a man. But I can't get one thought out of my head: were they still dating? If so, then the other guy might be a jerk, but I'd still root for him. Anything to get rid of that tool Pistachio.

And yet despite this alleged character development, Pistachio has run out of leads on Bowman and Jennifer was re-captured, so he contacts his grandfather via Energico, who encourages him to run one last raid on Bowman's estate. A few tepid action sequences are interspersed with Bowman outlining his evil plan to some anonymous suits: sell the treasures acquired by Fabbrizio on a website called - prepare yourself - "BlackMarkEBay". I tell ya, the stupid coming out of the movie is just tangible. And not even a cameo from Kenan Thompson can save it. To top it off, Bowman has permanently affixed a mask of himself onto Fabbrizio, locked him into his own persona by somehow applying the dark side of Energico (exactly like Star Wars - and those are Pistachio's words, not mine), and sics him on his own son. I admit this is a pleasantly dark turn, I mean, if this were to succeed, how could Fabbrizio live with the pain of killing his own son? But of course that doesn't happen. Pistachio snaps his father out of his evil mode by evoking the underwear-on-head gag from the beginning of the movie. *sigh* Pretty flimsy conclusion to a flimsy movie...

BUT WAIT!

Bowman is still at large, and the reunited Disguiseys track him to a resort in Costa Rica (filmed in the Bahamas). Point man Pistachio confronts him as - get this -- George W. Bush. To give you one last idea of how dated this movie is, if it were done just a couple of years later, everyone in Hollywood would've hated Dubya too much to pull off a scene like this. So Pistachio knocks Bowman into the pool, and he doesn't get up. Wait a minute, did he drown? All we get is one last, loud... um, "bubble", you tell me. Does this man have super drowning skills or something? Welp, no sense dwelling on those tribbles -- the movie's over, technically. Should some indescribable force compel you to stay in your seat of choice, the entire credits sequence is loaded with all manner of outtakes and deleted scenes. Thank you, Columbia Pictures, for giving us an excuse not to buy the DVD.

Please allow me to retract my opening statement: Dana Carvey is an idiot, albeit a thoughtful, well-meaning idiot. His man-child performance somehow manages to shine through no matter what character he plays. The plot? Sure, there could be potential in a serious screenplay with a similar premise, but the juvenile execution takes you out of it. And for a family comedy, whatever humour isn't off-colour (which sadly makes up a good chunk of the material) just falls flat. Pistachio Disguisey, your art had better be up to snuff, because you deserve to be hunted down for this travesty.

Acting: 1 disguise out of 5
Writing: 1 disguise out of 5
Special Effects: 2 disguises out of 5
The Call: 25% (F)

Next Episode: I admit I'm running low on things to review, but I do have one for another import game lined up next. Also, since this blog is edging close to two thousand pageviews, I am pleased to report that a video version of the Strawberry Dragon Project is in production. Look for the pilot episode sometime before the end of 2011.

N64 Month: Superman

NB: The entry I had originally planned to post next, a review of Fighter's Destiny, I accidentally deleted.  It will thus have to be re-done later, likely after the conclusion of N64 Month.  Having said that, I suppose now would be a good time to bring up a surprise I was planning for you anyway.  Allow me to present to you, my fellow readers...

Superman

• Publisher: Titus
• Developer: Titus
• Release: 29 May 1999
• Genre: Action
• Players: 1-2
• Save: Controller Pak/1 page
• Rarity/Cost: Common (US$5-10)

Yes, that's right: I'm going to review Superman for Nintendo 64, frequently cited as one of the worst, if not the worst, video games of all time.  What could the game have possibly done to warrant such widespread disapproval?  It's a long list, trust me, but when I was a kid renting this when it came out, I couldn't pick out a fraction of the problems I'm about to list at the end of this review.  In fact, I remember kinda liking it.  And I don't feel guilty about beating this horse again, since not even the Angry Video Game Nerd got past the first level in his review.  So how much of my memories is true and how much has been distorted by time, maturity, and antidepressants?

I'm sure you need no introduction to Superman, comic books' Man of Steel (and not in that phoney-baloney Josef Stalin kind of way) and defender of the city Metropolis.  He's got almost every superpower one could wish for without thinking too hard on the subject: flying, super strength, super speed, x-ray vision, you get the idea.  And, as you may also know, his only weakness is radiation from the mineral kryptonite.  Between the many different comic series, TV shows, and movies, the Superman franchise has gone through many iterations.  The universe presented in this game was based off of Superman: The Animated Series, the hit show which ran on TV prior to the game's release in 1999.  Apparently, villain Lex Luthor has trapped Superman and some of his friends in a virtual re-creation of Metropolis.  What could possibly go wrong?

If you don't of this game's most-publicised problem know by now, I'll stop beating around the bush: you have to fly through rings.  You have to fly through more rings than the Sonic equivalent of New Super Mario Bros. 2.  These rings are to Superman as falling into pits is to the Atari E.T. game: both unloved gimmicks in famously bad games.  But hear me out so I can explain how this works.  The levels in this game alternate between "Ride" stages, where Superman flies to different points in virtual Metropolis to perform miscellaneous heroic deeds, and action stages taking place within one location.  To get from place to place in the ride stages, you have to fly through a chain of rings.  In order to force you on track, skipping too far ahead means you have to start that particular passage over again.  However, at all times there's a safe zone of three rings ahead of the next one.  Should you miss any rings, you can take the time to go back and pass through the first one, or just go to the next ring in the buffer.  Taken on its own, it is an annoying, time-wasting, and unnecessary mechanic, I will admit.

The rings are easier if you slow down.

But get this: it gets even worse when you consider how bad the controls are.  The sensitivity of the Control Stick and the lazy camera make it hard to turn at high speeds.  And since the frame rate flucuates slightly, if it decides to run at optimal speed when you're about to make a turn, you'll have even less control.  But what most critics don't tell you is that there are a few ways to deal with this problem.  You'll have an easier time flying if you just let go of the accelerator (B) or even brake (R) every once in a while.  That's right: it's like Gran Turismo as a flying man.  What they also don't tell you is that if you switch the difficulty to the Easy setting, the rings are gone completely - you just follow the compass to your next destination.  While this does remove a major annoyance, the lack of challenge could make the game more boring, so pick your poison.  And even worse, unless you select the hard mode, the game ends before the final level!  Way to railroad us into using an unlikeable mechanic!  Colour me offended.

With all the attention gamers have given to the ride stages, they seem to forget there's more to the game than that.  Action stages occur after each ride stage, and have Superman do his thing within a certain location: a dam, a warehouse, the Lexcorp office building, etc.  Although the enemies are primarily just Black Shadows and drone bots, along the way you'll encounter villains from the comic/show, so if names like Mara, Brainiac, and of course Lex Luthor sound familiar, more power to ya.  In these levels, you have to complete a sequence of objectives , and you get to use a bunch of Superman's other powers to complete some of these goals.  Apart from your standard flight and strength, abilities like Heat Vision, Ice Breath, Super Speed, and the surprisingly useless "Reprogrammation" (The manual didn't even translate that name from French!) or mind-control are meter-limited and recharged by collecting tokens.  Keeping the source material in mind, you may cry foul at these limitations, but I'll personally accept that as a challenge, not that you use these powers much anyway.

Unfortunately, the objectives are so unintuitively placed that you'll be backtracking every which way to find them.  The fact that many of these levels are rather large, with many places that stand out, does not help matters, nor do the unspecific descriptions of your objectives. The third stage, the warehouse, is where the game starts to show its true colours. There are doorways placed all around the main room, but they’re blocked by lasers until you find the key or switch that turns one of them off. Like the one at the top of the back wall; since the room’s so dark and foggy, how would you know to look for it up there? And then there’s this: near the end, you rescue Lois Lane and escort her out of the building, when guess what -- she slows down as I have to go ahead and hunt down Black Shadows to protect her! But you can’t go too far or some more Black Shadows will gang up on her from nowhere! So now you have to wait for her to leisurely make her way across the room until she finally reaches the end, when guess what -- now she picks up the pace. Seriously? Were you pranking on me, Lois? Were you yanking my chain?  (But then again, it was awfully nice of Lex Luthor to not let Superman use the elevator until he read the note telling how to turn off the kryptonite generator in the next room.)  Having weighed both the ride and action stages on their own merits, I can't necessarily way which is worse, so again, pick your poison - or don't pick at all.

The objectives are unintuitive to find.

After having come back to this game after all these years, I can say without fear of contradicting myself that it is bad. In fact, it’s so bad that a port for the PlayStation was planned, only to get cancelled once the scathing reviews rolled in!  I know that feel. Whether or not this would’ve presented a chance to right some of its wrongs we’ll never know, but the fact remains that in the version we're stuck with, the character models are goofy-looking and poorly-animated, vision-limiting fog is prevalent everywhere despite the lack of graphical detail, nearly every gameplay mechanic makes little to no sense, the controls provide you with all the grace of a legless mammoth, your mission goals are unclearly described, the physics model is parsecs beyond unpolished, and it’s buggier than a night in Chincoteague. And that plot about Superman being trapped in a virtual world? It must have been a last-minute addition (it was brought on by the licence holders who didn't want any "real" violence), since it never gets resolved!  Even if you beat the game, Superman never gets out of the virtual world to bring the "real" Lex Luthor to justice!  Even if you win, you lose...  Hm, what a fitting metaphor for the game itself.

Having said all that, I still managed to gleam some occasional bouts of playability from this title, so I wouldn't call it a total loss.  After all, I still maintain that I've seen and even played worse games than this.  But if you think you can get as much fun as I did from playing Superman, you'll need much more luck than I.

Positives:
+ The flying stages are a little bit fun once you get used to them.
Negatives:
- Broken collision detection.
- Unclear objectives.
- Awkward model animation.
- Poorly-optimised graphics (fog despite the lack of graphical detail).

Graphics: 0 capes out of 5
Sound: 2 capes out of 5
Control: 0 capes out of 5
Design: 1 cape out of 5
The Call: 20% (F)

Song Review: Baby

"Baby"

• Artist: Justin Bieber featuring Ludacris
• Album: My Workd 2.0
• Release: 18 January 2010
• Genre: Pop
• Label: Island Def Jam
• Writers: Justin Bieber, Christopher "Ludacris" Bridges, Justin Gärtner, Christina Milian, Terius "The-Dream" Nash, Christopher "Tricky" Stewart
• Producer: The-Dream, Tricky Stewart

Okay, I know I said it before, but I am still not proud of my first review, in which I covered Train's song "Hey, Soul Sister".  I did talk about it in my next song review, for "Like A G6", since ToddInTheShadows had covered the former previously and made some valid points of criticism which I had overlooked.  Well guess what: he did a video about "Like A G6" within weeks of me posting my review of the song.  Now don't be mad, guys, I am treating this as a coincidence.  I doubt Todd even visits this site - and if you do, thanks, I am truly graced by your presence - so it's cool; you won't see me pursuing legal action any time soon.  But there is one song out there, which had its peak of popularity when Todd started making videos, which for better or worse became the signature song of the artist in question... mostly worse.  I am of course talking about "Baby" by Justin Bieber and Ludacris.


I'm rather shocked that ToddInTheShadows hasn't so much as touched this one song.  Granted, he has taken on Justin Bieber in the past, dedicating a full video to "Eenie Meenie" and putting "One Time" in the Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2009 list.  But "Baby" is perhaps the most famous of all of Bieber's songs.  As I type this, it is the most-watched video of all time on YouTube, clocking in at over 467 million views.  Which is why the above video is from a different source; I can't support a record like that.  (P.S. Please go watch Bad Romance 120 million more times.)  Now, as I said about the Twilight Saga, I don't hate Justin Bieber as much as the people who bad-mouth him, but I can't say I like him by any stretch.  Of course, popularity is not a factor I should consider while going over this song critically, but this time around instead of focusing on the lyrics, I plan to spend more time than before discussing the music itself; melody, production, etc.


First and foremost, when evaluating the lyrics to any song, we must understand what the song is about.  In "Baby"'s case, it is about the frustration of a lost love.  Having been fifteen years old when co-writing this song, the chances are low that something like this has happened to him, although I wouldn't count it out.  Granted, if it did happen to him, he would have had to be rather young, because of the maximum possible age, but because of how little he seems to understand the context of the breakup.  He only gives us one line which clues us in as to why she dumped him:

Said there's another, and look right in my eyes

whereas we get a whole lot of denial.

You know you love me
I know you care
[...]
Are we an item?
Girl quit playing
We're just friends
What are you saying?
[...]
And just shake me 'till you wake me from this bad dream
I'm going down, down, down, down
And I just can't believe my first love won't be around

Truth be told, there isn't much else wrong or stupid about the verses.  Besides, I'll bet you after enough time has passed, everyone's going to forget the verses whereas the chorus will live on in their minds - and trust me when I say it'll dig itself in there uncomfortably deep.

Baby, baby, baby (ohhh)
Like baby, baby, baby (noo)
Like baby, baby, baby (ohh)
Thought you'd always be mine (mine)
Baby, baby, baby (ohhh)
Like baby, baby, baby (noo)
Like baby, baby, baby (ohh)
Thought you'd always be mine (mine)

In case you haven't noticed, almost the whole thing is just the word "baby" repeated over and over!  No seriously, the word is uses 56 times in the whole song, 54 of them in the choruses alone, and depending on how you count it, it makes up 54 to 72% of all the words in each chorus!  If you thought it was annoying when songs repeated one line in a chorus over and over, this'll drive you mad even sooner.  Even if you are immune to its insanity-inducing effects, like somehow I am, it still comes off as completely unprofessional.  Gah, what is it with pop songwriters' refusal to use more words in a chorus than can be counted on your fingers!?


LUDA!


Oh, and Ludacris has a guest verse on this song too.  He used to be one of my favorite rappers despite (or maybe because of) his penchant for silly similies, but his mere presence next to Justin Bieber makes is a blow to his street cred which makes him almost impossible to be taken seriously in my eyes.  ...Sorry, I shouldn't make that kind of judgement without checking for any lyrical merit, so, shall we?  ...Well, I would if I could understand what he was saying.  See, his delivert randomly switches between languid, laidback slow lines and this double-speed rapping which is impossible to make out.  But that's why I got the lyrics online.  Until you figure out the pattern, the transition from slow to fast lines is jarring.

(Slow) When I was thirteen
I had my first love
(Fast) There was nobody that compared to my baby
Ain't nobody came between us no one could ever come above
(Slow) She had me going crazy
Oh, I was starstruck

Yeah, it's kinda like that. Oh, and can I get you some product placement while I'm at it?

(Slow) She woke me up daily
Don't need no Starbucks (whoo)

More speed-swapping hijinks ensue...

(Slow) She made my heart pound
(Fast) And skip a beat when I see her in the street and
(Slow) At school on the playground
(Fast) But I really wanna see her on the weekend

...Until we're delivered the final blow.

(Slow) She know she got me dazing
Cause she was so amazing
And now my heart is breaking
But I just keep on saying

Why do both Justin and Luda keep assuming the girl knows all these things?  Wishful thinking, I calls it.  Also, I've never seen "dazing" used as a verb before; I guess it's a replacement for being "in a daze".  Oh the things we sacrifice in the name of keeping meter and rhyme...  Alright,  truth be told, this isn't a terrible guest appearance, in terms of lyrics.  But Ludacris, for the sake of your career, please choose your collaborators more carefully.  I can understand if you see talent in this guy, but for the moment, it's not coming across to all of us.


Which brings me to my major criticism of this song, apart from... you know.  The music is some generic pop thing with traces of modern R&B here and there, and lots of syncopation, in the key of E-flat major.  So in layman's terms, it sounds happy: way too happy for a song about some girl dumping you!  ...Come to think of it, isn't there a song out there that does the same thing?  Where the lyrics discuss heartbreak but the music is upbeat and major-key?

Of course, it's F??? You", or "Forget You" if you are so inclined, by Cee-Lo Green!  But although this song may have a couple of similarities with "Baby", the differences between them are huge. Well, there is one obvious difference in tone if you're listening to the uncensored version of that song... I'll let that one slide.  But apart from that, "Forget You" is both ironic and serious at the same time, whereas "Baby" is neither of these.  Most importantly, Cee-Lo puts effort into his performance on the song, as opposed to Bieber, who delivers the verses of "Baby" with little to no energy.  He clearly sounds like he has lost interest in the project, as did producers The-Dream and Tricky Stewart, who made a background track which does nothing to fit in with the subject matter!  I may want to appreciate pop singers writing or even co-writing their own songs, but from this and other efforts, Justin Bieber proves that this is one of many talents he does not have right now, should he ever acquire them in the future.  You, sir, have made my dislike list, and believe me, it has nothing to do with your popularity.


One final note, I've decided to move away from giving individual songs full percentage grades in favor of a simpler 5-star rating system.  With the grading system I currently use, going from 0 to 100 percent in increments of 5, there are 21 possible ranks something can get.  It takes a lot of criteria for me to zero in one of these spots, and when the average song lasts about four minutes, there's just not enough material to do so properly.  I may be in the ballpark of what I want, like within a letter grade, but from there I have to randomly assign a specific percentage.  Well from now on I'm going to take that margin of error out of the equation.  Full-sized works, like video games, feature-length films, TV series, and whole albums will still get the full treatment, and those are the majority of what I review anyway.  But for individual songs, episodes, or smaller pieces, I will score them with up to five units and a letter grade to match.  I'll also throw in a humorous representation of the grade as a bonus.  So, with all that said, I now finally present my score for "Baby":

The Call: 1 (million) repetitions of the word "baby" out of 5 (million) (F)