Film Review: Meet the Spartans

Meet the Spartans

• Publisher: 20th Century Fox
• Studio: Regency / 3 in the Box
• Genre: Comedy
• Release: 25 January 2008
• Directors: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
• Producers: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer, Peter Safran
• Writers: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer

Previously on the SDP, I reviewed Disaster Movie, an entry in the oeuvre of filmmakers Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, inasmuch as I can call them filmmakers, that is. Their previous film, released earlier in 2008, was Meet the Spartans, and it attempted to mix up their formula by focusing on the plot of one particular movie as opposed to a few loosely connected ones, namely 300, the ancient-Greek-set, Frank-Miller-comic-based blockbuster from the year before. And unsurprisingly, it sucked. In fact, I've got so much bile to direct at this film, I cut down on the time I spent summarising its events in favour of analysing the specific parts that tick me off.

Our story stars a mister Leonidas (Sean McGuire), who trains from a young age to become a soldier, marries a miss Margo (Carmen Electra), and becomes the king of Sparta. And he certainly didn't get that crown for his acting acumen, that's for sure. Mr. McGuire puts on a Scottish accent in attempt to emulate Gerard Butler, who played the same character in the real 300, but it's so unevenly thick that it ends up feeling nothing like the real thing. And don't get me started on Carmen Electra, who doubtless was casted based on sex appeal first and everything else second. Which implies some unfortunate things about what producers think of their audiences, but that's a rant for another day.

With its open-quote protagonists close-quote established, Meet the Spartans takes on one of the more famous scenes from 300: the Pit of Death. You know the drill: "This is madness", "This is Sparta", kick 'im in. Apart from some gratuitous spittle added to the final line, it starts out relatively faithful to the original. But then Leonidas gets carried away and kicks in some of the more punchable public figures of 2007, such as Britney Spears (Nicole Parker), American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar (Tony Yalda), and the judges from said show. From first kick to last, this scene lasts for 160 seconds and 10 casualties, which makes me wonder: have these guys never heard of the "Rule of Three"? As currently defined by TVTropes, the Rule of Three is "a pattern used in stories and jokes, where part of the story is told three times, with minor variations." Let a pun or a gag run for more than three instances, and it runs the risk of getting old or unfunny in some other regard.

Also, I am hesitant to call this a parody of the original Pit of Death scene. Sure, he may have kicked some unusual characters down there, but when you get right down to it, it's generally the same routine over and over. Why not experiment with different types of strikes, or have someone fall down there accidentally? Listen, I don't want bad things to go away; I want them to learn from their mistakes and come back better. ...After having gone away to do so. But one thing I would rather go away for good would be an earlier scene where Leonidas is "training" his son (Hunter Clary), and by open-quote training close-quote, I mean beating him up with a sequence of increasingly brutal moves. Not only does he break the Rule of Three here as well, but this gag wasn't funny the first time around! I mean, the poor little guy's half Leo's size! Dude? Not cool. Just. Not. Cool. Now, I've seen (and am thinking of reviewing) Ken'ichi: The Mightiest Disciple so I know the value of building up your abilities through training, but this? This is just traumatic! Not just for him, but traumatic to watch, too! But most important of all, it's Just. Not. Funny.

Jumping back forward a bit, Leonidas assembles his army to sock it to the Persians, but only manages 13 soldiers, as opposed to the 300 that the source material would have you believe. Among them are a captain named... Captain (Kevin Sorbo), his son named... Sonio (Travis van Winkle), and a fat kid named Dilio (Jareb Dauplaise). Not to mention, one of the Spartan councilmen is named Traitoro (Diedrich Bader), and if you guessed that he's going to double-cross the protagonists in some capacity, then you don't get any brownie points because it was just too obvious. I can has originality plz? ...Hey, wait a minute, what's the deal-io with Dilio? (Apologies for that unfortunate bout of forced rhyming.) In the opening scene, we see that Spartan babies who don't meet certain physical standards (for example, Shrek) get thrown to the wolves, literally. Wouldn't Dilio have been preemptively weeded out as a baby? Whatever, he's here to be everyone's punching bag and this movie's source of attempted fat jokes. As in, "fat people love to eat a lot because... funny". Ugh. Did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, real life contains fat people who are trying to rectify their situation instead? I am reminded of a quote from the Simpsons episode "King Size Homer":

Homer Simpson: This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hard working as everybody else. And they're going to make their voices heard! All they need is a leader.

You go, Ho'. And while I'm on the subject, in my review of Disaster Movie, I threw in a brief editorial about how I thought the Hollywood movie industry was still a bit racist and "gay-cist". Whilst that is obiously not true of all American screenwriters and directors, I certainly get that impression with messrs. Seltzerberg, and Meet the Spartans is perhaps their worst movie of all in that regard. What I mean by that is, because the Spartan characters in 300 all had ripped physiques and fought in a certain degree of undress, apparently messrs. Seltzerberg thought the logical extention of that should be to make them questionably homosexual. Leo's married to Carmen Electra, so those accusations can only go so far -- but these guys travel long distances by skipping gaily, arms locked in rows of two, singing Gloria Gaynor's hit "I Will Survive". Back on the home front, the men greet each other with deep tongue-kisses where they'd give high-fives to the ladies. And one of their (many) advert riffs, based on the Budweiser "Real Men of Genius" series, is all about them being closeted homosexuals. I could maybe appreciate this sort of thing solely as a reversal of Hollywood's traditional pandering to the male gaze -- and there's no shortage of that, given the presence of Carmen Electra -- but that argument doesn't hold up because the men's ambiguously gay status is thrust upon them (no pun intended) solely for us to laugh at. Well, the joke's on you bub -- even without the offensive context, it's just. Not. Funny.

Whatever. The Spartans'... um, tactical maneouvering takes them to place called the Hot Gates, where they meet Paris Hilton (also Nicole Parker). Here she is a hunchback, because... the character playing her role in the original 300 was himself a hunchback. Huh, I don't usually answer those "because..." lines fully. But if you haven't yet seen or read 300, you may be asking yourself why Paris Hilton is a hunchback. And that would be a very good question. Maybe it's because we're supposed to like seeing these famous wastes of space get taken down a peg. That's a pretty dangerous assumption to make, I tell ya. So then a Persian squad shows up and challenges the Spartans to a breakdance competition and a "Yo Mamma" battle, both of which the Spartans win. Also, Dilio gets his eyes scratched out at some point. As in, we see the background behind him where his eyes should be. Umm... aren't we supposed to be seeing the insides of his eye sockets instead? I mean, I'm kinda squeamish myself, but this is creepy in the wrong way. Like, the wrong side of the uncanny valley creepy. See it for yourself, if you dare.

Spooked? I warned you this effect was just wrong.

Given the... quirky, pseudo-artsy style of Zack Snyder's film and Frank Miller's comic, you'd think that would provide fodder for some true parody moments, and believe it or not, Meet The Spartans does take up that offer every once in a while. For example, there's what looks a sex scene between Leonidas and Queen Margo, until it is revealed that he was merely bench-pressing her. During the climactic fight, Leonidas takes down a sequence of enemies in a sequence abruptly alternating between slow- and fast-motion, which parodies Zach Snyder's (the director of 300) egregious use of the same. And you know how the real 300 used a lot of fake CGI sets? Well, the Persian army in Meet the Spartans is buffed up by CG-cloned soldiers projected on blue-screens behind the real ones. And call me Shirley, but this is actually somewhat funny! At least it would have been funny if the characters didn't devolve into an awkward conversation explaining the joke. And besides, messrs. Seltzerberg, you lost the right to make fun of production values (or a lack thereof) when you decided that taping some green eyelids over the guy and throwing in a cheap chroma-key effect would suitably create the effect of him losing his eyes!

Whoo... I'm starting to get angry there. For my final observation, I'd like to hurry it along... just like the film itself. See, its total running time is given as 82 minutes*, but the opening credits start at the 64 minute mark, so by all accounts, that's when the film really ends. And it shows -- the ending feels rushed. For the capstone of the climactic skirmish, the Persian king Xerxes (Ken Davitian) merges with a car to become a Transformer robot. And of course, they don't have the capability to actually show it transforming. Oh, but he's got a video-screen in his chest that plays the "Leave Britney Alone" video! Because... funny. And how do our heroes vanquish their now-gargantuan foe? They don't -- mister Xerxestron (his name, not mine) pulls his own power cord out of some socket and shuts down, crushing the Spartans in the process. And there was much rejoicing. So after one more ending scene involving a blind commander Dilio and not-Lindsey Lohan, the credits begin in the form of the cast members taking turns singing "I Will Survive". And it is with great pain that I admit this was the most fun I had watching this movie. It's like the ending to a Broadway musical, which is probably what this movie should've been. I mean, it's got the same budget, so no big leap, right? A whole bunch of deleted scenes fill up the remaining time in between bouts of non-singing credits, after which you are now free to turn off your TV. Sorry for making you wait.

*Refers to the theatrically-released version. The unrated edition, which I did not account for in this review, runs for 86 minutes.

Among the entries of the Seltzerberg eouvre, Disaster Movie may suffer more blatant disregard for it source material (remember miss "Enchanted Princess"?), I think watching Meet the Spartans makes me feel worse. So much of the commentary on celebrities and the LGBT community, whether stated outright or inferred by me, is just hateful. And even if all that were not considered offensive, it takes the dubious crown for the most unfunny film classified as a comedy which I've ever witnessed (take that overly narrow description for what you will). And the horribly fake acting and cheap production values serve as the nails in this coffin. Or is it casket... Regardless, make no mistake: watching this movie is like dining in Hell.

Positives:
+ By retelling the story of one movie, it's a bit more focused than some of Seltzerburg's other efforts.
+ It's short.

Negatives:
- Relies on unfunny, even offensive, jokes repeated way too often.
- Totally fake acting.
- Lousy special effects.
- A fifth of its runtime is spent on the credits.

Acting: 1 Sparta-kicks out of 5
Writing: 0 Sparta-kicks out of 5
Special Effects: 1 Sparta-kicks out of 5

Visual Design: 1 Sparta-kicks out of 5
The Call: 15% (F)

Film Review: Disaster Movie

Disaster Movie

• Publisher: Lionsgate
• Studio: Grosvenor Park / 3 in the Box
• Release: 29 August 2008
• Genre: Comedy
• Directors: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
• Producers: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer, Peter Safran
• Writers: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer

One of my favourite things on TV is the "I Love The '80s" family of specials by VH1. I've learned so many things from all those time periods, things I never knew existed, that it more or less kicked off my interest in the 1980s. The next-best thing to them that exists in the realm of cinema would be the spoof genre kick-started by Airplane! in 1980. These days, the genre has been dominated by Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg, heretofore referred to as "Selzterberg". And while I derive a sort of guilty pleasure from counting all the references they collect in their films, more than anything else, their works make me cringe. 2008's Disaster Movie is commonly regarded as their worst -- no small feat -- so of course I had to track it down and review it.

The movie starts with an intro ripped straight out of 1998's Armageddeon. Another film I could be watching now! ...The fact that I'm comparing Michael Bay favourably to something is not a good sign. We jump to 10,000 10,001 BC, where a hunter-gatherer (Matt Lanter) gets into a fight with Wolf, from the American Gladiators revival, and Amy Winehouse as a sabre-toothed, gasoline-drunk beast. Yeah... joke aborted. She gives a thirty-second burping scene (some records are not meant to be broken) and warns him of the end of the world, to occur on 29 August 2008. In other words, the release date of this film. SYMBOLISM!!

Then the same man, Will, wakes up in the present day -- to be exact, the day of the end of the world, and the same day he's having a party at his loft. He's a 25-year old dude holding a Sweet 16 party because he's never had one yet. Ya know, that was quite an intelligent joke there! Too bad they had to counterpoint that by running a parody of the My Super Sweet 16 intro. A more competent writer (read: me) would've let the other joke settle. Guests at the party include Dr. Phil (it's been done), Anton Chighur from No Country For Old Men, and some broad (Kim Kardashian). That's right: Kim Kardashian, America's favourite Armenian-ethnic, is in this movie. ...Let that set the tone. So in a series of pointless events, Calvin (Gary Johnson) tries to stop Seth and McLovin' McLover, the two guys from Superbad, from stealing alcohol, the High School Musical crew break into song, and Kim Kardashian and Carmen Electra break into a WWE WOW Divas catfight. I'd be turned on if they weren't such bad actors.

Going back to the party, we are also introduced to Juno Juney, who laments about keeping her baby, in acoustic-guitar-song form. During the song, she mentions Brangelina buying her baby on eBay, except the web page she shows says "uPay". And they did this earlier, during the Amy Winehouse scene, with Facebook and "FaceNook". Ladies and gentlemen, they just didn't care. Another thing to throw on the "just didn't care" pile: this is the third Seltzerberg film in a row with a Brangelina adoption joke. Going back to not-Juno's character, she talks exclusively in-jokes written by an overly clever screenwriter (her words, not mine), and chugs a whole jug of Sunny Delight and vodka. Hardcore fetal alcohol syndrome, because... funny?

Now the real plot starts as asteroids strike the city and the film tries to live up to its own name. Will, Calvin, not-Juno, and Kim Kardashian flee into the streets together, witnessing Hannah Montana getting crushed by a meteor, and not dying for a minute and a half. See, that's the other problem with this film: even on those rare occasions where the writers managed to generate a truly funny joke, they drag it out for too long. So with conditions outside getting worse, the crew hunker down in some sort of warehouse, where they fight the Sex and the City girls for control of the space. Not-Juno wins the fight by breaking out her baby, then her water breaks over Will and Calvin -- by that, I mean a fire extinguisher breaks open behind the camera. WTF? I'm no OB-GYN, but water breaking does not work that way. See, that's the other other problem with this movie: an over-reliance on gross-out gags. Hope you enjoy spending time with the lowest common denominator, ya jerks. Me, I'll be over here doing cool things.

Like seeing into Will's dream, where he plays Hayden Christensen in Jumper, that movie about the teleporting guy. Apart from milking that concept for all it's worth, the dream sequence serves to warn Will of his commitment issues, which has driven a rift between him and his girlfriend (Vanessa Minnillo). At least, until he warps into that Narnia movie and impales himself on Prince Caspian's sword. Fun fact: When not-Caspian calls him "that guy who ruined Star Wars", he's not just referring to Christensen, but the fact that Matt Lanter did the voice of the same character in Star Wars: The Clone Wars. An unintentional joke lies in wait for anyone who's read reviews on that movie, seeing as how it's been scored worse than any of the live-action prequels, even the one with Jar-Jar Binks. But still not as badly as Disaster Movie.

With that Big Lipped Alligator Moment (TM 2008 Nostalgia Chick) out of the way, Will resolves to patch things up with his girlfriend, and the crew departs again, however another asteroid crushes Kim. And thus Kim Kardashian's character was killed off. And there was much rejoicing. That is, until she gets replaced by not-Giselle, the princess from not-Enchanted. Calvin wins her hand in a breakdancing duel, and then the plot barges back into the room. A cavalcade of superheroes tries to stop the nearest tornado - and by that I mean stand still, say their name or catchphrase, and get hit by a cow. P.S. The special effects in this scene - nay, the whole movie - are so bad that I could've pulled them off! Keeping with the Monty Python and the Holy Grail mood (yet another film you could be watching now!)... Playing the role of the Killer Rabbit is not-Alvin and the non-CGI Chipmunks! So the crew is beset by the rabid puppet chipmunks and a rabid Head-On commercial, and in the ensuing chaos, not-Juno is killed. back outside, the townspeople are evacuating, including not-Christian Bale's Batman, who shares this exchange with not-Giselle:

Batman: I'm Batman.
not-Giselle: I'm Enchanted Princes.

...

...

...

Umm... news flash: her name's Giselle, NOT "Enchanted Princess"! Which you would've learned IF YOU JUST [verb]ING WAITED!! And it's not like Enchanted was one of those Summer 2008-release films that didn't come out until after the script was written, no, it released in November of 2007, so there's just NO [verb]ING EXCUSE!! What, could you not afford the TEN DOLLARS to see the movie in theaters since you broke the bank casting Kim Kardashian? [verb] YOU SELTZERBERG, I QUIT!!!

...

Oh, right, the climax. So, Will has to get to the museum to free his trapped girlfriend. To get there, not-Giselle hijacks the Mach 5 Mach 5 1/2 from Speed Racer (you know, that thing they made a film of in 2008? Anyone remember?), which apparently has Michael Jackson hiding out in the trunk with a little boy and a monkey. Two things wrong with this picture: One, Scary Movie 4 (yet another movie you could be watching right now!) already did a Michael Jackson parody. Two, that movie was written closer to MJ's child molestation trials. By 2008, the public had accepted the fact that he was found not guilty. ...Apparently, not Seltzerberg! And the less said about how close this was to the singer's untimely death, the better.

In the museum, the gang rescues Will's girlfriend, the commitment-challenged Will starts his relationship on a new foot, and she pulls this movie's macguffin, the Crystal Skull, from out of her... from her... from... under her dress. Just then, they are beset by Beowulf and not-Po from Kung Fu Panda... who introduces himself as, "I am Kung Fu Panda!" ...Here we go again. Not-Po kills Calvin and not-Giselle (and there was much rejoicing), but Will and Amy manage to flee from Beowulf after questioning his sexuality, what with him fighting in the nude like he does in that trailer..

Sorry, I have to get back up on my soapbox again for a moment. Ladies and gentlemen... Hollywood is racist. Yeah, you heard me right. During the High School Musical parody, an Asian and nerdy (and gay) one-shot is brought on screen for a moment, and Calvin, being the African-American co-lead, spouts a laidback, uneducated accent and more ebonics than anyone in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Also his actor is billed as "G-Thang". That's right: his name ain't nothing but a "G-Thang", baby, with two doped-out writers going crazy. And also: Hollywood is gaycist. Apart from spending all his on-screen time naked, not-Beowulf says he hangs out with a life partner with whom he goes fishing and runs an antique store. Based on this information alone, Will labels him as a homosexual, which Beowulf denies, since apparently he treats this as a bad thing. *sigh* How long are we gonna last until we shrug off all these old stereotypes set up in who knows what less-informed eras? We must shrug off the media establishment NOW! SUPPORT FOREIGN FILMS!! (That means anime.) ...Oh God, I'm sounding like a Marxist revolutionary right now. Better get off the soapbox before the Tea Party sends me angry letters.

*whew* This is turning into not only one of my angriest reviews, but one of my longest, so let's wrap this up. Will meets his father, a black midget Indiana Jones (because... funny?), places the crystal skull on its altar, undoing the natural disasters, marries Amy with the help of not-Guru Pitka (Anyone remember The Love Guru? No? Good on ya.), and drops the biggest bombshell of all: he's dating Matt Damon. Yes, this film wraps up with a musical curtain call, with all the characters singing about who's dating who. For those of you not up on your late-night TV, this segment is a parody of "I'm [verb]ing Matt Damon" (the unrated version uses this title as well), a song Sarah Silverman did on Jimmy Kimmel Live. Funny thing is, a different parody by Kimmel himself, "I'm [verb]ing Ben Affleck", became more famous afterwards. It helps that the Ben Affleck version evolves into a "We Are The World"-parody, so yeah, you should check that out.

I was honestly surprised at the fact that Seltzerberg were able to throw some halfway decent jokes our way from time to time. The only problem is, whatever good stuff there is gets ruined either by the writers' non-existent sense of comedic timing, or by all the crude, pointless moments that surround them. Everything about this movie is sophomoric: the humour, yes, but also the plot and its resolution, the visual effects, and even its references were chosen without care. So many of the films, series, and personalities spoofed within had faded from memory even before Disaster Movie was released - now that, my friends, is an epic fail. Let this be a lesson to screenwriters: don't count other people's chickens before they hatch. *chu* G'night everybody!

Positives:
+ Kim Kardashian gets killed off at some point! That's something! ...Right?

Negatives:
- Haphazardly-constructed plot.
- Over-reliance on unfunny and even offensive jokes,
- The references are unoriginal and show a lack of basic research on Seltzerberg's part.
- Lousy special effects.
- Totally fake acting.

Acting: 1 falling cow out of 5
Writing: 0 falling cows out of 5
Special Effects: 0 falling cows out of 5
Visual Design: 1 falling cow out of 5
The Call: 15% (F)