Monday, October 6, 2014

Top 10: Next Worst Pitbull Lyrics

Previously on the SDP, I listed the top ten worst lyrics by the rapper Pitbull, that I was familiar with at the time. You may be familiar with this list; for some reason, as of this writing, it is the most-viewed article on this very blog. I have no idea how this happened. Maybe a lot of people hate him as much as I did back then, maybe the Russian Mafiya's doing some favours behind my back, I don't know. But I do know two things. One, I don't hate Pitbull nearly as much as I did back then, when his stuff was overplayed on the radio and such. With all the filth that I've exposed myself to in the intervening time, cough Lil' Wayne cough, Pitbull's mannerisms have practically become cute by comparison. And two, when populating my first list I was not in want of lyrical bombs, but I had limited my entries to the hits, the songs I had been exposed to on free media without delving further. Well, thanks to the magic of Spotify, I've been able to listen to the whole of Pitbull's albums without directly spending a dime, so that I may bring you a more complete list. (Edit 28 Nov. 2014: And I've added a Spotify playlist for you to follow along with!) Well, excluding the ones I put on the previous list. So here goes: the Top Ten Worst Pitbull Lyrics of All Time. ...That I didn't already mention.

Before starting this list, I'd like to make an addition to an entry from my previous list. My #8 entry was from Usher's "DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love", wherein Mr. Worldwide threw out a pickup line involving a Flintstones reference and the promise of making the girl's bed rock. Get it, "bedrock"? Yeah, I'm not going to go back on my decision to include it. But when I posted my video version of that article, I got a nice young man in the comments suggesting that I should've included the line directly before it, namely:
She don't wrestle, but I got her in a headlock
And I've gotta say: you're right. It would be more impressive if the line had read "I don't wrestle" as opposed to "she [doesn't] wrestle". As it stands, I have no choice but to interpret this line as Pitbull assaulting a defenceless woman. So no wonder that he's teamed up with Chris Brown every now and again, am I right? ... Alright, I can't keep on beating that horse forever, so let's just get to the frigging countdown already.

10) "Back In Time"
from Men In Black 3 [OST] (2012)
Like Agent J or Agent K, and I wish the whole world would
Okay, I'm tryin' make a billion out of 15 cents
Understand, understood
Even though this line isn't at the top of this list, I could make the case that the song itself, "Back In Time", is the worst song Pitbull's ever done. I believe I have done so, as a matter of fact. Hardly any of its elements make sense together, especially not as a single meant to promote a movie such as Men In Black 3. For example, these lines. So Pitbull says he wishes the would would... do something for him. He never says what; he just jumps into declaring his intent to make money, and lots of it. And he never explains how he plans to do that either, he just assumes his desires are understood by us, and moves on whether or not they are. You ever try to hold a conversation with someone who keeps cutting themselves off mid-sentence? Whether it's Mr. Worldwide or my own mother,

9) "Mr. 305 (Outro)"
from The Boatlift (2007)
I'm one of the best, one of the rawest
Nah I ain't perfect but [noun] I'm flawless
"Perfect" and "flawless" are the same word, ignoramus. By definition, you can't be one and not the other. Hit the thesaurus sometime, you might learn something.

8) "On The Floor" w/ Jennifer Lopez
from LOVE (2011)
Now pump-pu-pump p-p-p-pump it up
And back it up like a Tonka truck
In my days as a music consumer, I've born witness to many, many alternate methods to command girls in the vicinity to shake their butts, but I've never seen this one employed before. Nor do I expect it to be employed again. For the uninitiated, Tonka is a brand of scale-model toy utility trucks. In other words, very small trucks. Comparing the Miss New Booty's... um, booty to a toy that's, like, a foot long doesn't have quite enough impact, not when there's a perfectly forceful full-size counterpart you can compare it to. I can understand this choice of word, likely having been inspired by such legendary lexicon entries as "badonkadonk", but when you think about it, the analogy falls flat. Like a flat badonkadonk.

7) "Dance Again" w/ Jennifer Lopez
from Dance Again... The Hits (2012)
You want the recipe?
It's real simple
A little bit of Voli™
Is your open-sesame
This is one of the most blatant instances of product placement in music that I've ever witnessed, and not just within Pitbull's ouevre. Declaring that said product is the key to having a good something-or-other? Why not just insert a full-on commercial spot while you're at it? And besides, the way he ordered the two preceding lines ruined the rhyme scheme. It would not be a stretch for him to have swapped the first two lines and rhyme "sesame" with "recipe" instead of "simple". On second thought, there's still the bloody advert to deal with, so I'd just scrap this bit entierly.

6) "Party Ain't Over" w/ Usher & Afrojack
from Global Warming (2012)
Tell the pope to come see me
I got asses, by the masses
As a secular Christian, I'm familiar with certain jokes which question the right that a bunch of eighty-something-year-old celibate men like, say, the pope and the chief cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church, have to control matters of sexuality. So it is within this mindset that I say: I very much doubt that His Holiness would consider setting aside some time in his globe-trotting schedule to give Mr. Worldwide a visit, based solely on the promise of booty.

5) "Back In Time"

from Men In Black 3 [OST] (2012)
Miami equals
Black mask, black clothes
With a little bit of rope to tie (I flipped it)
I'd apologise for double-dipping from the same song, but I've done so in my last list, and apparently "Back In Time" was so bad that I'm doing it again here. In fact, I consider this a form of penance on my part. See, in my original review of "Back In Time", I failed to notice how incongrous these opening lines were. Apparently Pitbull may have caught his mistake at the last minute, because he then goes on to describe "Black suits, white shirts/Black glasses with a matching tie". You know, like what the titular men in black actually wear. But such is the curse of the verbal backspace: it doesn't actually delete the words you meant to delete. You know, like what a backspace key actually does.

4) "Dukey Love" w/ Trick Daddy & Faboo of D4L
from The Boatlift (2007)

I'm bending the rules for this entry because I'm not referring to a specific line from the given song, but rather a specific word that gets repeated throughout:
Now, I'm familiar with this word being used within a hip-hop context. For example, in the song "Dazzey Duks" it refers to "Daisy Dukes", another term for hot-pants. But with the way it's delivered in "Dukey Love", the way it's emphasized, my first instinct is that they are instead using another slang euphemism for, as Pitbull himself said in a different song, "number twooo~!"

3) "Come and Go" w/ Enrique Iglesias
from Planet Pit (2011)
Baby, you the Internet
And I'm looking for a download
Just the fact that he's attempting a pun-based pickup line sets the bar dangerously low right out of the gate, but its actual content lowers the bar to subterranean levels. First of all, the Internet is a many-faceted behemoth of an entity, so it's entirely within the realm of possibility for his romantic quarry to infer one of its worse interpretations. But I take further umbrage with the line "I'm looking for a download". For those unaware, "downloading" involves the receiving of data from a given source, and "uploading" entails the opposite, sending data to a source. If one were to apply this relationship to the mechanics of sex, wouldn't it make more sense for Mr. Worldwide to ask for an "upload"?

2) "Candyman" w/ Twista
from The Boatlift (2007)
Yes-yes-yes, I'm a freak-freak
that eats-eats [noun] like Jeffrey Dahmer
For the uninitiated, Jeffrey Dahmer was a real-life murderer and cannibal active about Wisconsin during the late 1970s and 80s. You may have heard of him in another pop song of recent memory, namely "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry and Juicy J. And the reference to a literal cannibal, used in a figurative context, was just as creepy when Juicy J did it last year as when Pitbull did the same seven years ago. Arguably, the latter case is even more creepy because oral sex is involved.

1) "Shake Senora" w/ T-Pain and Sean Paul
from Planet Pit (2011)
My girl got a big ol' booty
Your girl got a little booty
(repeat ad nauseum)
"Shake Senora" is a song that offers a buffet of verses from Pitbull, Sean Paul, and depending on your version, Ludacris, stitched together by a hook from T-Pain. And just when you think it's over, the track starts up again and Pitbull starts chanting this little bout of bragging. Yes, it's not enough that his pet lady is well-endowed in the trunk, he has to take your bird down a peg as well by claiming that hers is anything but(t)! I guess my problem with these kind of lines is that we don't generally know who these insults are aimed at, and if we are to infer that they are aimed at us, the listeners, it's very possible that what he's claiming about us doesn't have any grounding in fact! What if my girlfriend has an even bigger waist measurement? What if I don't even have a girlfriend? Ever thought of that, Mr. Worldwide? With that said, allow me to close this segment with a piece of advice: do NOT play this song at your wedding reception, lest you run the risk of offending the bride and adding an unnecessary layer of tension on your honeymoon.

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