Monday, October 27, 2014

Top 10: Dumbest James Bond Moments

James Bond is one of my biggest fandoms.  I'm saying that here in case you couldn't infer it from the year-long mini-series I did on this very blog, reviewing all its movies.  But part of being a good, sane fan is admitting any sins the subject of your adoration may have committed.  And James Bond is certainly no saint in that regard.  (Except for Roger Moore, who played on a TV show called The Saint.)  Yet at the same time, I don't think these movies ever get so bad to the point they become unberarable to watch.  On the contrary, their occasional bouts of stupidity only serve to make them more fun to watch.  To a point, anyway.  That's why I'm going to count down the top ten dumbest moments of the James Bond movies, and see if and when we cross that line.  I've selected and listed these entries based on the following criteria: 1) How embarrassing is it to watch the scene?  2) Does the scene work in context?  And 3) Is there anything good about the scene to balance it out?  So break out your favourite Q-gadgets and order your shaken-not-stirred martinis, because Here.  We.  Go.

10) "Lie Back and Think of England"
from For Your Eyes Only (1981)

In this scene, James Bond has finished his mission and is now about to shack up with the leading lady.  But who should phone in and interrupt them but the Prime Minister of his own country?  And not just any Prime Minister, but Margaret Thatcher (played here by an impersonator)?  I take it the election of Mrs. Thatcher, the first female PM in Britain's history, msut have been a big deal, and good on the real Thatcher for making it that far.  But did EON Productions really have to rub it in our faces?  I wouldn't mind so much, except she gets answered by a parrot while Bond and friend make a break for it!  As you could imagine, this is embarrassing for everybody involved.  And that includes YOU.

9) "James of the Jungle"
from Octopussy (1983)

In this scene, James Bond has escaped from the villain's palace in India and is being chased through a nearby jungle.  The resulting action sequence is... uneven, to say the least.  Sure, there are clever moments to be found, such as when Bond hides underneath a henchman's elephant and unfastens his saddle.  But as for me, I'll remember this scene instead for two parts -- one, he encounters a tiger, and before it can pounce upon him, he sternly calls to it, "Sit!", and it does.  And two, he swings on a series of vines, with a stock Tarzan yell playing in the background.  Because... funny?

8) "Surfin' USSR"
from A View to a Kill (1985)

The cold-open of A View to a Kill takes place in, appropriately enough, a cold place: Siberia.  In this scene, James Bond shows up here to investigate the body of a fallen 00 agent, retrieving a microchip from his person.  Then some Soviet patrols shows up, and he proceeds to high-tail it out of there.  At one point, he knocks a guy off a snowmobile, pulls off its hood, and uses it as a makeshift snowboard.  Oh, and I forgot to mention -- Roger Moore had turned 57 at some point during production of this movie, the oldest a James Bond actor's ever been to date, and he did not age well IMO, so the mere sight of him snowboarding at his age should be enough to warrant a rank on this list.  But as if that alone were not enough, we also have the choice of music to deal with.  As snowboarding culture had not yet fully formed by 1985, the music director went with a surfing song -- a cover of "California Girls" by the Beach Boys!  Guys, when I think of the Beach Boys, I do not associate them with icy, snowbound Siberia!  Or a 57-year-old snowboarder.

7) "Spoiler Alert: Bambi Lives"
from Diamonds Are Forever (1971)

In this scene, James Bond is searching the home of a one Willard Whyte.  Suddenly, he comes across two lounging ladies named Bambi and Thumper.  They tell him where Mr. Whyte may be found, but before letting 007 go, they rough him up a bit, in what is perhaps one of the series' worst-choreographed fight scenes.  Bambi and Thumper tend to take turns throwing hits or getting in position, including some impressive gymnastic moves.  I ain't complaining about that in concept, especially since one of them's in a bikini, but more often then not their moves serve no practical purpose in terms of fighting!  It's like they just want to show off!

6) "Flipping the Bird"
from Moonraker (1979)

In this scene, James Bond has just disposed of some assassins who tried to get him along the canals of Venice.  So, naturally, he did so from a gondola -- a motorboat gondola, of course.  Now, that chase scene is perfectly fine; there's a knife thrower hidden in a casket, so of course Bond keeps him in there -- permanently.  But the problem comes afterwards.  With no more threats to take care of, he flips a switch to turn his gondola into a hovercraft, and drives onto the pier.  This peculiar sight is met with all manner of astonished reaction shots from the locals, including -- get this -- a bird which does a double-take.  As in, the editor repeated and reversed a bit of footage to make it seem as though the bird had the brain capacity to recognise a peculiar sight when it saw one, and react accordingly.  Throw in a sprightly Strauss composition on the soundtrack, and you've got one surreal scene.

5) "Blow My Whistle, Baby"
from The Man With the Golden Gun (1974)

In this scene, James Bond (with, unfortunately, Sheriff J.W. Pepper) is in the middle of a car chase across Bangkok, when he notices his target on the opposite side of a river.  With the nearest bridge miles behind him, he improvises: he finds a set of ramps and does a perfect corkscrew-jump between them.  Sounds like an awesome moment, doesn't it?  Well, it is, except for one thing: this stunt is accompanied by a slide-whistle sound effect.  I've read numerous accounts claiming this moments as one of the series' worst, and it's hard for me to disagree with those opinions.  But no matter how stupid that sound effect was, it's still just one piece of a scene with some other, better components, which is why this entry isn't higher on my list.  Besides, how cool can you make a stunt like that when it's preceded by the one-liner, "Ever heard of Evel Kneivel?"  Because... the Seventies?

4) "Surfin' CGI"
from Die Another Day (2002)

In this scene, James Bond is in a rocket-sled, being chased across the Icelandic ice fields by a satellite laser beam.  The chase leads over a cliff, with Bond saving himself by deploying the craft's anchor.  Rather than use the laser to fry him directly, of course, our villain instead cuts off a chunk of the icy cliff, with intent to drop him into the ocean.  But with a bout of improbable MacGyvering, Bond fashions a makeshift surfboard and parachute, and rides away on the ensuing wave.  And then... he para-surfs along the ensuing wave.  This sounds outlandishly extreme enough, but this scene was accomplished by such stilted, flawed CG animation that whatever sense of danger we get from other such stunts in the Bond series just cannot be matched here.  And another thing, if the wave caused by the ice chunk travelled away from the cliff, how could Bond have turned around to lift himself up over the cliff?

3) "Your Head Asplode"
from Live and Let Die (1973)

In this scene, James Bond and Solitaire are in the clutches of our villain, Dr. Kananga.  He has the couple tied up over a shark tank, and cuts 007's arm with a knife to draw blood.  Never mind that he could've killed them more directly with that knife of his.  So Bond frees himself and Solitare using a buzz-saw in his wristwatch -- a function that was never so much as foreshadowed -- and proceeds to fight Kananga.  The fight ends with Bond forcing a compressed-air bullet into Kananga's mouth.  As the gas expands inside his body, he lifts out of the water and blows up like a balloon.  Literally.  As in, the special effect for this scene involved a Kananga-shaped balloon.  Now, I normally wouldn't mind any opportunity to avert excessive blood and gore, but the way they chose to go about it is so unreal, it could never be taken seriously in a million years!  Couldn't they have chosen some other way for him to die, something that could be feasibly re-created and still keep a PG rating?  I mean, they've got a perfectly good shark tank to use, and corporal inflation was the best they could come up with?

2) "I Know Kung Fu... Not"
from The Man With the Golden Gun (1974)

In this scene, James Bond has been knocked out and captured, and wakes up in a Thai martial-arts school.  He spars with a couple of opponents and then makes a break for it, wherein he catches up with his ally, Lieutenant Hip and his nieces.  Who promptly go to town on the pursuing gang of bads, Street Fighter style.  In fact, Hip and co. have things so well-in-hand that Bond is left with nothing to do throughout this brawl.  His only contribution is pushing down some guy who was already disabled.  And then Hip and co. drive off in his car... without Bond!  What's the matter dude, I thought you were on his side!  This missed ride leads to Bond leading a tepid motorboat chase, punctuated only by its own awful moments: a downright terrible one-liner ("What you might call a Mexican screw-off, gentlemen!"  Seriously, dude, no one says that.), Bond taking advantage of a beggar child, and of course, Sherrif J.W. Pepper.

1) "Goodnight, Sweet Princess"
from The Man With the Golden Gun (1974)

Yeah, I've used this movie three times in this list.  I regret nothing.  In this scene, James Bond is dueling with Scaramanga on the latter's private island, while Bond-girl Mary Goodnight is being watched over by a maintenance man.  Proving her capability, she knocks him out -- only for his body to fall into a liquid-nitrogen vat, setting off a slow-burning chain reaction which will eventually destroy the island.  But that's not the worst of it.  Right afterwards, she accompanies Bond as he tries to remove some solar-energy unit from a laser chamber, when she leans back on a console and her bum pushes the switch to turn on the solar collector -- with Bond inside it.  And she has no idea how to turn it off -- ya think she could've felt the switch pushing against her skin and tried flipping the same one back!?  Madam Goodnight was nothing if not a liability in 007's mission.  Lucky we viewers also had Maud Adams's character to keep us company.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the Wildcard slot.  This entry takes the Wildcard slot for not actually having been featured in the final cut of its movie, existing as a deleted scene which has since resurfaced on DVD.  But oh boy, what a scene to get through...

Wildcard) "I Can Show You the World"
from The Living Daylights (1987)

In this scene, Bond is being chased across the rooftops of Tangier by the local police.  At one point, he picks up a platform covered in a rug, places it on top of a set of electrical wires, and slides down them.  In other words, a makeshift magic carpet.  As if that weren't goofy enough, a pack of middle-aged men smoking a water pipe see him and say, "I told you this stuff was good".  Gah, why not just bring back the wine-drinking guy from the Roger Moore films?  At least he didn't have any lines!  I suppose my exasperation comes both from the silliness of this scene and from the seriousness of the rest of the film.  Believe me, if I had included this entry in the countdown proper, it would have been number one with a bullet.  I'm one of the few people willing to stand up for Timothy Dalton's Bond career, and now I suppose that has something to do with the editor's decision to leave this bit on the cutting-room floor.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Dance Dance Retrospective: The Mobile Games

At last we have reached the final installment of Dance Dance Retrospective, and with this momentous occasion upon us, please allow me to say...  This series was a mistake.  A mistake I made whilst blinded by fandom.  Pretty much all I did in those articles was describe the changes each game made from one installment to another, no how irrelevant they would be to readers without my level of interest in the franchise.  I even planned a video series at one point, but never finished even the first episode once I realised I was wasting all my time on so much minutiae.  Oh well, I suppose I let some critical observations slip in from time to time, so it can't have been a total waste.  Spoiler alert: I'm going to be doing just that for this article as well.

Okay, so I've covered all of Dance Dance Revolution's arcade games, all the home console games, so what's next...?  The mobile market, of course!  With pocket-sized touchscreen devices proving their feasibility as gaming platforms ever since the invention of the iPhone, Konami eventually saw fit to introduce their venerable DDR property into the market.  Their first foray was DanceDanceRevolution S, which first appeared on the iTunes Store on 25 February 2009.  (Ports were later made for Android and Windows Phone platforms, but they were only sold in Japan.)  As you might imagine, this game was played by tapping the arrows on a virtual dancepad on the bottom of the screen.  As with most mobile games that use virtual-gamepad inputs on a touchscreen, there was always the problem of missing the buttons and not getting any feedback that you did so, but I suppose that could be less of a problem for some gamers.  There was also the "Shake Mode", where you shook the iPhone unit in four directions instead of tapping the notes.  It was only available for Basic and Difficult charts and, as with any kind of motion control, the lack of physical feedback makes your timing even more imprecise, but as an added bonus, I guess it was fun for a little while.  There were 25 songs packed into DDR S, mainly revivals from the Hottest Party games.


Gameplay in DDR S, using a virtual dance-pad at the bottom.
In my opinion, DDR S didn't have the most engaging setlist, but they rectified that issue, in a sense, with DanceDanceRevolution S+ (iOS, 5 October 2009).  This game had a price of just ninety-nine cents, but only packed three songs within.  That is, unless you count the DDR Store.  There were a total of 219 songs released, across 67 song packs, as DLC for S+, spanning more-or-less the entire franchise, including tracks from (the real) DDR X2.  There was even an option to purchase a "Starter Pack" of 150 songs for US$65.  This was a pretty strong showing, considering that the 2010 DDR games only got a couple of DLC song-packs.  And with so much content available, you could pick and choose your favourites to create your own custom Mix.  But, I'll say the same thing I said about DDR 2010: if you have to pay extra to get the best content, then the game's just not worth it.  Besides, that all-songs pack is a monster case of sticker-shock, you know?

And finally, there was DanceDanceRevolution Dance Wars (iOS, 14 February 2013).  Dance Wars followed the example of all those free-to-play games that sprouted up over the past few years.  First, a "stamina" system limited how many songs you could play in the main Battle Mode within a certain time frame.  (A free-play mode was also available which doesn't include the stamina limit, but you could not unlock new songs this way.)  And second, you could invite other players to your "Dance Crew" to unlock content faster.  A total of 47 songs were available in-game, mostly revivals from all across the franchise, although only 4 were available without unlocking.

However, I've been using the past tense to describe all these games, because they have all suffered some degree of unavailability.  DDR S was taken down from the iTunes Store at some point, perhaps because of S+, which is still available to this day, but recently I've had trouble getting the game's online store to open.  And Dance Wars was not only taken down from the store as well, but the online service was shut down on 31 August 2013, barely six months after the game's debut.  And with Dance Wars being one of those always-online games, this shutdown rendered the game literally unplayable.  I never even got the chance to play it myself due to it not being compatible with my outdated iPod Touch model.

The last time we heard anything from DDR in the North American market was something called DanceDanceRevolution Pocket Edition, which is played on an Apple TV sling-box and an iPhone in your pocket as a motion-sensor, eschewing the physical dance-pad setup entirely.  I don't have a lot of information on this edition; apparently it follows the S+ model of a free app with three songs, and about 300 more available as DLC.  And it also appears to have been removed from the iTunes Store as of this writing.

And... that's all I've got.

So this is how it ends, huh?  It looks like Dance Dance Revolution isn't coming back to the arcades or "traditional" home consoles anytime soon, especially now that we've got the new generation forcing its way onto the market.  DDR has managed, of late, to gain a foothold in the mobile-platform market, and I'm just starting to come to grips with this reality.  I mean, if other games like GTA: San Andreas and Bioshock can run on iOS or Android, what do I have to complain about?  But Konami managed to screw that up too, what with them taking some of their games offline.  And having read about Pocket Edition, I should be more supportive of that one, too.  For one, they managed to solve the problem of wearing out countless dance pads by taking them out of the equation.  And an Apple TV unit is bound to be cheaper than a PS4 or XBox One or what-not...  Oh wait, I forgot the exorbitant cost of an iPhone or iPod -- one for each person who wishes to play -- so never mind.

But more so than anything else, my creeping sense of doom for the future of DDR franchise was brought on by the franchise itself.  As you may have gathered by reading the past articles of Dance Dance Retrospective, the later games have somehow failed to capture my interest.  Maybe it's my own tastes that are shifting towards other genres of gaming, maybe it's a case of running out of new ideas, or maybe they've gone so far from what I interpret as the essence of DDR that they've become irrelevant.  And what I envision as the "essence of DDR" may vary from someone else's vision.  Like, my vision involves a return to the musical styles of the first few games, with more modern conventions elsewhere, and to cap off a running gag from this series, how 'bout USB UNLOCKS FOR ONCE!!  There's always the possibility of DDR making a major comeback, but with the gaming market shifting as it has these days, it may not be in the form we expect.  But wherever there's good music, there will always be someone who wants to dance to it.  Specifically, to Dance Dance to it.

...

Ah [verb] it, there's always StepMania.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Editorial: The Simpsons Guy

Television history was made on Sunday, 28 September 2014, when the animated universes of The Simpsons and Family Guy converged for a one-hour crossover episode.  As a longtime Simpsons fan who only recently got back on the bandwagon (thanks largely to the recent "Every Simpsons Ever" marathon on the FXX channel) and a former Family Guy watcher who had personally boycotted said show at some point, I have to say I had been off-and-on excited for this event.  And for the most part, my excitement was sated upon watching the thing.  But seeing these two shows in such close contact with each other made me wonder: what problems exist with these shows, and what could they learn from each other to better themselves?  Let's find out.

I've been a Simpsons fan since 2002, more or less, and given my relatively late introduction to the franchise, I've enjoyed many of the episodes from within the past couple of years before then, as they helped formed my first impressions of the show.  But lately I haven't been able to drum up the interest in it anymore.  There wasn't any one moment that killed my attachment forever, but my interest just sort of faded gradually.  As first-day fans would've claimed took place by the time I got on board, for some reason or another, the newer episodes just haven't managed to bring the heat.  Sure, these recent seasons can pack some pleasant surprises every few episodes, but for the most part, watching The Simpsons is like being a member of the MTV generation: I feel neither highs nor lows.

Now Family Guy, on the other hand...  I started paying attention to Family Guy since about the time it got un-cancelled (in 2005), and I liked it at the time.  I've never minded its reliance on cutaway gags, as they at least kept up a fluid pace, with few exceptions (I'll touch on that later on).  But after a few years passed, I started noticing something: Family Guy is offensive.  It's racist, misogynistic, homophobic, politically partisan, and all-around unpleasant.  Season 7 (2008-2009) was the worst, hosting such episodes as "I Dream of Jesus", "Family Gay", "Fox-y Lady", "420", and perhaps worst of all, "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven".  Family Guy's writers seem incapable of portraying minority demographics as anything but their stereotypical images, worst of all in the case of Jews (i.e. the pharmacist Mort Goldman, his son Neil, and the entire Jewish community of 1939 Warsaw) and homosexuals (i.e. Brian the dog's cousin Jasper, and Peter himself when he underwent medical experimentation to make him temporarily gay).  And Brian has become nothing short of insufferable in his "holier"-than-thou attitude as an atheist and political liberal.  Yeah, I might be a blue-stater myself, but his preachy, my-way-or-the-highway method of exposition regarding those subjects just goes above and beyond my standards, you know?
I don't see anything ugly
about this girl.  Do you?

But it was the repeated abuse of the character Meg Griffin which broke the proverbial camel's back for me.  Even from season 1, many if not all of her plots involve struggling to fit in with her school comrades, or getting along with her family.  And that alone isn't a problem if done right, as an estimated 100% of teenagers in American fiction have to deal with those kinds of things.  The problem in Meg's case, however, is that these scenarios have been turned up to 11 in terms of the abuse she deals with.  Peter, her own father, can be counted on with regularity to either ignore her well-being or outright assault her.  Not even the other members of her family are likely to show her any sympathy, either.  And her social life?  Let's just say potential suitors would rather kill themselves -- literally, given the nature of this show -- than take her to the next prom.  Why?  Is it because she's hideously deformed?  Going by how she's drawn typically, she looks like a perfectly cromulent young lady. And another thing, why does Meg, and to a lesser extent Lois, have to struggle to keep up with standards of beauty, whereas the men of the Griffin family are allowed to let themselves go physically?

So yeah, it didn't take long for the writers' intentions to completely backfire on me, for Meg to capture all my sympathy and Peter to turn into public enemy #1 as far as fictional characters are concerned.  Moments like Quagmire's rant in "Jerome Is The New Black" and the entirety of episodes like "Dial Meg For Murder" show that the writers are at least self-aware of their faults, but as the next week's episode rolls around, we find that they have learned absolutely zip from their efforts.  Oh, and that 3-minute Conway Twitty cutaway was unforgivable, if for other reasons.

Okay, enough ranting for the moment.  I assume you read this article title and thought I was going to focus my attention on the titular crossover episode itself, so I suppose I should do so.  It was... janusian.  It had its good moments and one or two bad ones.  This episode was strongest when it leaned on the fourth wall, with the characters of one show spouting criticisms of the other.  For example, the way Homer and Peter argue over their Duff and Pawtucket Patriot beers echoes the arguments one could make regarding being the first vs. being the best.  And I especially liked how Fred Flintsone played the judge in the ensuing court case, bringing that issue to a head.

With this episode's "hot" moments out of the way, what about the "not"s, or at least the "not-so-hot"s?  Well, there's a sub-plot with Meg and Lisa Simpson, where Lisa tries to find something Meg could be good at, and as it turns out, they're both good at playing the Saxophone.  This moment in and of itself was all well and good, as for one brief moment, it appeared that Meg would finally get over her P.S.I. (Poor Self Esteem).  (And yes I do know "esteem" doesn't start with "I"; that's how they did it in the episode I linked to.)  But as the Griffins pack up their car to leave Springfield and Meg clutches her new saxophone with hope in her eyes, Peter just throws it in the garbage like it was no big deal, since there was allegedly no more room in the car.  I'm not ashamed to admit I threw an F-bomb in Peter's regard while watching this scene for the first time, because of how something I've so desperately wanted could be delicately built up only to be so abruptly dashed.  (Wouldn't be the first time though.)  But for the purposes of this blog, I'll just make do with this meme-pic:



I'll close up this editorial by bringing up one more scene from "The Simpsons Guy": the part where Bart and Stewie prank-call Moe's Tavern.  Bart's part is your typical fare, tricking Moe into saying an embarrassing fake name, and it's just as funny as it's ever been.  But for his turn, Stewie says only one line -- "Your sister's being raped" -- before abruptly hanging up.  And that scene, more than anything, illustrates the differences between The Simpsons and Family Guy.  The Simpsons sticks to its time-honoured routines that may or may not elicit laughs.  And Family Guy aims for whatever shock value it can muster within the confines of a TV-14 rating (not even that, if you're watching one of the uncensored DVD releases).  There are pros and cons to each of these approaches, so I say the two shows could stand to learn something from one another: The Simpsons to punch up its comedic stylings, and Family Guy to learn some much-needed sensitivity.

Or Family Guy can manifest into some physical form, only to kill itself, for all I care.

Top 10: Next Worst Pitbull Lyrics

Previously on the SDP, I listed the top ten worst lyrics by the rapper Pitbull, that I was familiar with at the time.  You may be familiar with this list; for some reason, as of this writing, it is the most-viewed article on this very blog.  I have no idea how this happened.  Maybe a lot of people hate him as much as I did back then, maybe the Russian Mafiya's doing some favours behind my back, I don't know.  But I do know two things.  One, I don't hate Pitbull nearly as much as I did back then, when his stuff was overplayed on the radio and such.  With all the filth that I've exposed myself to in the intervening time, cough Lil' Wayne cough, Pitbull's mannerisms have practically become cute by comparison.  And two, when populating my first list I was not in want of lyrical bombs, but I had limited my entries to the hits, the songs I had been exposed to on free media without delving further.  Well, thanks to the magic of Spotify, I've been able to listen to the whole of Pitbull's albums without directly spending a dime, so that I may bring you a more complete list.  (Edit 28 Nov. 2014: And I've added a Spotify playlist for you to follow along with!)  Well, excluding the ones I put on the previous list.  So here goes: the Top Ten Worst Pitbull Lyrics of All Time.  ...That I didn't already mention.



Before starting this list, I'd like to make an addition to an entry from my previous list.  My #8 entry was from Usher's "DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love", wherein Mr. Worldwide threw out a pickup line involving a Flintstones reference and the promise of making the girl's bed rock.  Get it, "bedrock"?  Yeah, I'm not going to go back on my decision to include it.  But when I posted my video version of that article, I got a nice young man in the comments suggesting that I should've included the line directly before it, namely:
She don't wrestle, but I got her in a headlock
And I've gotta say: you're right.  It would be more impressive if the line had read "I don't wrestle" as opposed to "she [doesn't] wrestle".  As it stands, I have no choice but to interpret this line as Pitbull assaulting a defenceless woman.  So no wonder that he's teamed up with Chris Brown every now and again, am I right?  ...  Alright, I can't keep on beating that horse forever, so let's just get to the frigging countdown already.

10) "Back In Time"
from Men In Black 3 [OST] (2012)
Like Agent J or Agent K, and I wish the whole world would
Okay, I'm tryin' make a billion out of 15 cents
Understand, understood
Even though this line isn't at the top of this list, I could make the case that the song itself, "Back In Time", is the worst song Pitbull's ever done.  I believe I have done so, as a matter of fact.  Hardly any of its elements make sense together, especially not as a single meant to promote a movie such as Men In Black 3.  For example, these lines.  So Pitbull says he wishes the would would... do something for him.  He never says what; he just jumps into declaring his intent to make money, and lots of it.  And he never explains how he plans to do that either, he just assumes his desires are understood by us, and moves on whether or not they are.  You ever try to hold a conversation with someone who keeps cutting themselves off mid-sentence?  Whether it's Mr. Worldwide or my own mother,

9) "Mr. 305 (Outro)"
from The Boatlift (2007)
I'm one of the best, one of the rawest
Nah I ain't perfect but [noun] I'm flawless
"Perfect" and "flawless" are the same word, ignoramus.  By definition, you can't be one and not the other.  Hit the thesaurus sometime, you might learn something.

8) "On The Floor" w/ Jennifer Lopez
from LOVE? (2011)
Now pump-pu-pump p-p-p-pump it up
And back it up like a Tonka truck
In my days as a music consumer, I've born witness to many, many alternate methods to command girls in the vicinity to shake their butts, but I've never seen this one employed before.  Nor do I expect it to be employed again.  For the uninitiated, Tonka is a brand of scale-model toy utility trucks.  In other words, very small trucks.  Comparing the Miss New Booty's... um, booty to a toy that's, like, a foot long doesn't have quite enough impact, not when there's a perfectly forceful full-size counterpart you can compare it to.  I can understand this choice of word, likely having been inspired by such legendary lexicon entries as "badonkadonk", but when you think about it, the analogy falls flat.  Like a flat badonkadonk.

7) "Dance Again" w/ Jennifer Lopez
from Dance Again... The Hits (2012)
You want the recipe?
It's real simple
A little bit of Voli™
Is your open-sesame
This is one of the most blatant instances of product placement in music that I've ever witnessed, and not just within Pitbull's ouevre.  Declaring that said product is the key to having a good something-or-other?  Why not just insert a full-on commercial spot while you're at it?  And besides, the way he ordered the two preceding lines ruined the rhyme scheme.  It would not be a stretch for him to have swapped the first two lines and rhyme "sesame" with "recipe" instead of "simple".  On second thought, there's still the bloody advert to deal with, so I'd just scrap this bit entierly.

6) "Party Ain't Over" w/ Usher & Afrojack
from Global Warming (2012)
Tell the pope to come see me
I got asses, by the masses
As a secular Christian, I'm familiar with certain jokes which question the right that a bunch of eighty-something-year-old celibate men like, say, the pope and the chief cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church, have to control matters of sexuality.  So it is within this mindset that I say: I very much doubt that His Holiness would consider setting aside some time in his globe-trotting schedule to give Mr. Worldwide a visit, based solely on the promise of booty.

5) "Back In Time"
from Men In Black 3 [OST] (2012)
Miami equals
Black mask, black clothes
With a little bit of rope to tie (I flipped it)
I'd apologise for double-dipping from the same song, but I've done so in my last list, and apparently "Back In Time" was so bad that I'm doing it again here.  In fact, I consider this a form of penance on my part.  See, in my original review of "Back In Time", I failed to notice how incongrous these opening lines were.  Apparently Pitbull may have caught his mistake at the last minute, because he then goes on to describe "Black suits, white shirts/Black glasses with a matching tie".  You know, like what the titular men in black actually wear.  But such is the curse of the verbal backspace: it doesn't actually delete the words you meant to delete.  You know, like what a backspace key actually does.

4) "Dukey Love" w/ Trick Daddy & Faboo of D4L
from The Boatlift (2007)

I'm bending the rules for this entry because I'm not referring to a specific line from the given song, but rather a specific word that gets repeated throughout:
Dukey!
Now, I'm familiar with this word being used within a hip-hop context.  For example, in the song "Dazzey Duks" it refers to "Daisy Dukes", another term for hot-pants.  But with the way it's delivered in "Dukey Love", the way it's emphasized, my first instinct is that they are instead using another slang euphemism for, as Pitbull himself said in a different song, "number twooo~!"

3) "Come and Go" w/ Enrique Iglesias
from Planet Pit (2011)
Baby, you the Internet
And I'm looking for a download
Just the fact that he's attempting a pun-based pickup line sets the bar dangerously low right out of the gate, but its actual content lowers the bar to subterranean levels.  First of all, the Internet is a many-faceted behemoth of an entity, so it's entirely within the realm of possibility for his romantic quarry to infer one of its worse interpretations.  But I take further umbrage with the line "I'm looking for a download".  For those unaware, "downloading" involves the receiving of data from a given source, and "uploading" entails the opposite, sending data to a source.  If one were to apply this relationship to the mechanics of sex, wouldn't it make more sense for Mr. Worldwide to ask for an "upload"?

2) "Candyman" w/ Twista
from The Boatlift (2007)
Yes-yes-yes, I'm a freak-freak
that eats-eats [noun] like Jeffrey Dahmer
For the uniniated, Jeffrey Dahmer was a real-life murderer and cannibal active about Wisconsin during the late 1970s and 80s.  You may have heard of him in another pop song of recent memory, namely "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry and Juicy J.  And the reference to a literal cannibal, used in a figurative context, was just as creepy when Juicy J did it last year as when Pitbull did the same seven years ago.  Arguably, the latter case is even more creepy because oral sex is involved.

1) "Shake Senora" w/ T-Pain and Sean Paul
from Planet Pit (2011)
My girl got a big ol' booty
Your girl got a little booty
(repeat ad nauseum)
"Shake Senora" is a song that offers a buffet of verses from Pitbull, Sean Paul, and depending on your version, Ludacris, stitched together by a hook from T-Pain.  And just when you think it's over, the track starts up again and Pitbull starts chanting this little bout of bragging.  Yes, it's not enough that his pet lady is well-endowed in the trunk, he has to take your bird down a peg as well by claiming that hers is anything but(t)!  I guess my problem with these kind of lines is that we don't generally know who these insults are aimed at, and if we are to infer that they are aimed at us, the listeners, it's very possible that what he's claiming about us doesn't have any grounding in fact!  What if my girlfriend has an even bigger waist measurement?  What if I don't even have a girlfriend?  Ever thought of that, Mr. Worldwide?  With that said, allow me to close this segment with a piece of advice: do NOT play this song at your wedding reception, lest you run the risk of offending the bride and adding an unnecessary layer of tension on your honeymoon.