Film Review: Octopussy

Octopussy

• Publisher: MGM / United Artists
• Studio Danjaq / EON Productions
• Release: 6 June 1983 (UK), 10 June 1983 (USA)
• Genre: Action
• Director: John Glen
• Producer: Albert R. Broccoli
• Writers: Richard Maibaum, Michael G. Wilson, George MacDonald Frasier

The Girls: Octopussy (Maud Adams), jewelry smuggler, businesswoman, and leader of an all-female cult. Her backstory, detailing how she got into the smuggling business and what she's doing with an all-female cult of minions, is dumped in one big load of easily-forgettable exposition but is otherwise inconsequential. Fun Fact: The movie's title comes from her pet name given to her by her father, and from her young pet octopus, so don't get any ideas. 4 out of 5.

Magda (Kristina Wayborn), a shared associate of Octopussy and Kamal. Due to her prominence in the first act of the film, it's easy to mistake her as the leading lady. 3 out of 5.

Other Allies: Vijay (Vijay Amritraj), Bond's contact from MI6's Indian branch. Fun Fact: As Mr. Amritraj is a professional tennis player in real life, he uses a tennis racket as a weapon during the motor-trike chase early in the film. Sliced up by Gobinda's assassins. 4 out of 5.

Robert Brown makes his debut as the new M, and in many ways extends the persona of the late Bernard Lee's portrayal instead of making his own character.  3 out of 5.

Moneypenny also gets a new assistant, Penelope Smallbone (Michaela Clavell), but although Moneypenny's actress did get replaced a few years afterwards, Smallbone was not used for the role; in fact, she was never mentioned again.

The Villains: Kamal Khan (Louis Jourdan), exiled Afghan prince. A lot like Hugo Drax from Moonraker; bonus points for cheating at backgammon, like how the book's incarnation of Drax cheated at bridge. Dies in a plane crash. 4 out of 5.

General Orlov (Steven Berkoff), a Soviet Army general. A true madman, in both actions and acting. Shot by guards at the East-West German border. 5 out of 5.

Other Henchmen: Gobinda (Kabir Bedi), Kamal's Indian bodyguard.  Another strongman type, but he does speak every once in a while, notably in the ending plane scene, where even he questions his boss's orders to go outside and dislodge 007 from the fuselage. Knocked off a plane by Bond, so his hesitance is understandable. 4 out of 5.

Mischa & Grischka (David & Anthony Meyer), twin knife-throwers and assassins. Mischa is struck on the head and Grischka has a knife thrown at him, both by Bond.  3 out of 5.

The Gadgets: A personal jet plane with foldable wings, used during the pre-credit act. A fountain pen laden with acidic liquid, used to break out of imprisonment. A fake Faberge egg outfitted with a microphone and homer. Two watches, one with a tracker for the aforementioned homer, and one with a CCTV display. 3 out of 5.

The Locations: The pre-credits scene takes place in an unidentified location, but as it speaks Spanish, is vaguely tropical, and is heavily militarised, it is commonly assumed to be Cuba. On top of that, we have England, India, East Germany (filmed in England), and West Germany.

The Theme Song: "All Time High" performed by Rita Coolidge. Reminiscent of "Nobody Does It Better" in style, lyrical themes, and the fact that they don't use their films' name as the title, but this time around there's the slightest touch of a country flavour. And coincidentally, this may be the most boring James Bond theme of all time. "All time low" is more like it. 1 out of 5.

Fun Fact: To identify himself to 007 in an early scene, Vijay plays a few notes from the James Bond theme. *crack*  Do you hear that? That's the sound of the fourth wall under attack.

The Opening Credits: Uses smoke and laser-light motifs. Similar in execution to the Moonraker opening credits, but a tad more vivid and better-produced. 3 out of 5.

The Novel: Ian Fleming's last James Bond book was a short story collection published in 1966, after his death, entitled Octopussy and the Living Daylights. Of the four stories, "Octopussy" was used as a background for the film's title character, and "The Property of a Lady" (added in a 1967 reprint) was adapted for the auction scene.

The Plot: Our film opens in what is supposedly Cuba, where 007 goes incognito to blow up a military installation. He gets found out, but breaks away from his escort, takes off in a personal airplane, and lets an enemy missile do the work for him. Cue opening credits. We return to East Berlin, where agent 009, disguised as a clown, is on the run from two knife-throwing KGB agents. He survives just long enough to deliver a Faberge egg to the British embassy. Back in London, the new M tells Bond that the egg sent by 009 was a fake, and the real one is being auctioned off later that day. At the auction, he identifies the seller, ex-Afghan prince Kamal Khan, who buys it back for half a million pounds. Bond has him trailed, and follows him to New Delhi, where he meets his contact Vijay. Meanwhile in Moscow, the Soviet General Orlov tries to push his plan for a military conquest of Western Europe, which is shot down by Gogol and not-Leonid Brezhnev, whilst managing a Russian artifact forgery operation.

At his hotel, Bond meets Kamal face-to-face and fleeces him at Backgammon. He and Vijay end up being chased by Gobinda, Kamal's bodyguard, but make it to MI6's branch HQ. Outfitted with new gadgets, he returns to his hotel for a nightcap with Magda, whom he spotted with Kamal at the auction, but it ends with him being knocked out and imprisoned in Kamal's palace. Come nightfall, he breaks out and picks up on Kamal and Orlov's plot to smuggle Russian jewelry into the West. He escapes his captors during a hunting party the next day. A free man once again, he infiltrates the palace of Octopussy, a smuggler hired by Kamal, chats it up with the lady, spends the night in her arms, and survives a hit squad which just claimed the life of Vijay.

007's next target is Karl-Marx-Stadt (now Chemnitz) in East Germany, where Octopussy's circus is on tour. He sneaks on board their train, where Kamal and Gobinda are hiding the jewels. But then Orlov comes along, and replaces the treasures with a nuclear bomb, to be detonated at the circus's next stop: a US airbase in Feldstadt, West Germany. Orlov's hopes are that NATO will take it not as an attack, but an accidental detonation, inspiring the West to disarm their nuclear arsenals and enabling the Warsaw Pact bloc to invade through conventional warfare. Bond fends off danger on the train, but falls off mid-way. Meanwhile, Gogol is on the scene, discovers the jewelry, and has Orlov gunned down at the West German border.

Back to Bond, who hitchhikes his way to the airbase. With only a few minutes left on the countdown, he finds Octopussy, who doesn't know that the jewelry was switched out for the bomb. He manages to convince her with a treasure he took after the swap, and together they disarm the bomb. Back in India, Octopussy's troupe invades Kamal's palace and she gives him a piece of her mind, but he abducts her. Bond drops in and follows them to a small airplane, where he knocks Gobinda off the fuselage and disables the fuel lines - all in mid-flight - forcing the plane to crash and kill Kamal. All said and done, Bond and Octopussy are finally alone and recovering from their injuries... or not, nudge nudge. You are now free to turn off your TV.

Out of the James Bond films, this one certainly has the most complex plot, as there are two separate villains working together for individual goals. As such, during my earlier, less-experienced days, I used to consider this the worst Bond movie of the bunch. These days, I wouldn't nearly go as far, although the slapstick moments which have unfortunately become a trademark of the Roger Moore era are still present in full force. But apart from that, this is another one of those films where you learn a little more about the plot every time you watch it. 4 out of 5.

The Call: 60% (C-)

IchigoRyu will return in
Never Say Never Again

Game Review: Cruis'n

Cruis'n

• Publisher: Midway
• Developer: Midway San Diego
• Release Date: 27 November 2007
• System: Wii
• Genre: Racing
• Players: 1-2
• Rarity/Cost: Moderate, US$10-20

(This review was updated on 28 November 2017.)

I have in the past regaled you with a tale about the rise and fall of the Initial D Arcade Stage series of coin-op racing games.  The short of it was, the way i saw it, that its death was catalysed by a rival title, The Fast and the Furious, a far more basic experience.  Welp, after two arcade sequels (Super Bikes in 2006 and Drift in 2007), the game made its first home appearance for the Wii, swapping out its movie licence for another familiar name: Cruis'n.  For gamers of a newer generation, I may need to introduce you to Cruis'n USA.  This 1994 arcade game was a joint project between Midway and Nintendo, and ran on hardware which was intended to form the basis of the Nintendo 64 console later on. Even though that didn’t exactly come to pass, the game was nonetheless a launch-window title for the N64.  But was it any good?  Well, with its linear track design and rubberband AI, it was certainly far better in its day.  And the same is true of our current subject, but unfortunately its day had passed long before it even came out.

Cruis’n features twelve tracks and twelve playable cars, classic and modern alike. Models like the Nissan Skyline and Pontiac GTO were used to great effect in the films, so at least they got that part right. Most of these cars will need to be unlocked; the courses by playing through a single-player career, and the cars by accumulating winnings from your races. However, the later cars, while having stronger base stats, are merely generic reproductions of luxury and exotic cars, and by the time you unlock them, you’ll have put so many upgrades into one of the starter cars that you’ll have no reason to start fresh with another model. See, every time you start a race, you can add an upgrade to your car of choice, ranging from performance upgrades, cosmetic additions, and a nitro boost system. So you can tell why even those of us with more refined gaming palates got suckered into repeat plays in the arcades. But while this setup would've been acceptable there, by the standards of a home console game this upgrade system pales massively compared to franchises such as Need For Speed or Forza Motorsport.

The three performance-upgrade categories are engines, for acceleration, spoilers and wings, for top speed, and tires, for handling.   But they also serve double-duty as visual attachments, in the form of these massive air blowers, triple-decker wings, and shiny rims. *sigh*  I only know about cars what I learned from Gran Turismo, but I can guess that these aren’t the most effective ways to boost these acumen in the real world.  But on the other hand, real improvements like a tightly-tuned transmission or even a turbo fan wouldn’t show up on the outside of your car, and we’ve gotta express these upgrades visually somehow!   Because… extreme?  As I mentioned before, there’s also the nitrous, a one-time upgrade which gives you three fixed-length boosts every race. And then there are undercarriage lights and decals, which serve no practical purpose, but they sure look interesting! Unfortunately, you only get one decal pattern for each car, and even changing your paint/neon colour is a chore. Instead of cycling through a pre-set pattern of colours, pressing the change button picks a new colour at random, meaning you could spend a lot of time until you get the one you want. Ladies and gentlemen, they just didn’t care!  While we're on the subject of time-wasters, the loading times are pretty nasty, averaging thirty to forty-five seconds for one race. That's longer than individual loads from the 2006 SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, if you can believe that!  (Trust me -- I've checked.)

The key to success is to spam double-tap dashes

A race of eight cars on generally unchallenging tracks, some lousy with straightaways. Seriously, you'll have to work up to the Hard or Extreme courses until you get to material that would provide the slightest hint of a challenge by the standards of any other racing game. Seriously, half the length of most tracks are nothing but straightaways, and even where there are curves, there’s seldom a need to brake or even let go of the accelerator in order to survive them. Sure, you’ll have to stay awake to dodge traffic, both with and against your direction, and crash into the occasional shortcut, but for the most part? Snoozeville...

I’m going to bring up the Initial D game again in order to juxtapose their approaches to track design. A good racing game, for example the Initial D or even Gran Turismo series, makes you really take the time to learn its courses inside and out. Each curve and corner has its own personality, i.e. what’s the ideal line for going through them, and what speed to enter them at. Those other games I just mentioned are stocked full of them, and it’s the experience of learning these racing lines that contributes to a memorable experience among its peers. In a good racing game, the environment comes first, and the track is designed around it.   As I mentioned in my review of such, the majority of courses in the Initial D series are one-way affairs. But they still managed to pack plenty of hairpin turns in those tracks, but more importantly, in a way that makes sense. The courses in those games are set on hillsides, and running the roads laterally along the mountain face, turning around every so often, allows the angle of the road to be as flat as possible, so as not to put so much strain on cars going uphill, or keep cars going downhill from stopping safely.

But Cruis'n seems to have it the other way around. The track designs are overly linear, so driving-game veterans will have precious few opportunities to apply what they've learned over their years of experience in good games. Heck, its spiritual successor, Cruis'n USA, had more curves than this! As a result of this linearity, each section of the course feels identical until you reach a section that has a slightly different setting than the last, only for the visual boredom to set in seconds later, and so on. And geographical verisimilitude? Forget about it! A few landmarks aren’t enough to convince me that your course is taking place in New York or San Francisco or whatever. And would it kill you to make a Philadelphia stage?

Not helping matters is the physics model, which dare I say it, is unrealistic. When you crash into another car, you might get knocked back but still maintain most of your forward acceleration a second later. Or you might get flipped into the air in a pre-defined animation. Nothing like both cars stopping dead in their tracks or anything, you know, like in the real world. Which wouldn't work in this game anyway, because wouldn't you know it, there’s no way to go backwards! See, that’s how you can tell whether a racing game takes itself seriously or not. If you’re not able to turn around and go the wrong way, not that you’d ever want to, then that is not a good sign as far as realism is concerned. Yeah, the controls are all right; since steering is handled by tilting the Wii Remote, you can get it to work with one of those Wii Wheel contraptions. Although woe betide you if you choose the "loose" steering setting.

It's tough to consistently win races at first, but you might get somewhere once you start bolting on some upgrades. Then again, maybe not, since the computer never uses nitros if you haven't yet installed them on your car, for example. With or without the help of nitro, the competition's rubberband AI is so prevalent that, while it's easy to place in the top three, getting first place has more to do with luck than skill. ...Or so it would seem. It helps if you don't hit traffic, no surprises there, or if you double-tap the throttle and perform a car flip over a rival, which apparently gives you a speed boost. Let me say that again: victory in this game depends not on traditional driving skill, but on mindlessly mashing the accelerator button. See, this is why the rest of the world thinks Americans are stupid: our racing games have less to do with substance than spectacle.

I wasn't kidding about that word "nitrous" blocking the screen every time you use a boost.

The graphics in the Cruis'n series have always been a little behind the curve, and this game is no exception. Even though the traditional pop-up from the earlier Cruis'n games is a thing of the past, there is still a bit of slowdown at the start of a race, where all eight cars are on screen at once. The problem doesn't rear its ugly head much afterwards; on the contrary, Cruis'n on the Wii adds a little motion blur effect not used in the arcade version of The Fast and the Furious. But more glaring than any technical aspects is the garish and dorky presentation. For example, when you trigger a nitro, your speed boost is accompanied by a male announcer shouting "Nitrous!" and the word "Nitrous" scrolling across the screen. Because... extreme? Even worse is the heavily-used female announcer, whose eternally seductive tone ends up becoming a turn-off. My good lady, if you're voice-acting like you're in a porn film, just make one already.

All in all, this game's attitude is phony much in the way that Holden Caufield is not, but even without the embarrassing theme, the game still isn't worth playing. The experience is less a true driving simulation and more a 3D representation of one of those old Atari racers. And even though the features which made the arcade version such a guilty pleasure are present in full force, namely the upgrade system, the actual gameplay will leave you bored long, long before you manage to fully upgrade even one of the cars, much less all of them. If that should serve as inspiration for you to switch to a more fulfilling racing experience, then by all means, succumb to those urges.

Positives:
- The ability to upgrade cars.

Negatives:
- The inconsistent, unconvincing physics.
- The boring track design.
- The severe rubberband AI.
- Over-the-top lame presentation.

Control: 3 out of 5
Design: 1 out of 5
Audiovisual: 1 out of 5
Value: 1 out of 5
The Call: 35% (F)

Game Review: Shantae

Shantae

• Publisher: Capcom 
• Developer: WayForward 
• Release: 
• Game Boy Color, 2 June 2002 
• Nintendo 3DS, 18 July 2013 
• Genre: 2D Action 
• Players: 1 
• Save: Battery, 3 files 
• Rarity/Cost: 
• Game Boy Color: Rare, US$150-300 
• 3DS: DLC, US$5

I cannot believe it, but this month marks ten years since the release of Shantae for the Game Boy Color. Its star character has become an unofficial mascot for its developer, WayForward Technologies, and the girl herself instantly became one of my teen-era sex symbols. So why didn't I pick up the game on day one? Welp, the best reason I can think of is a botched release: the game was first reviewed in the Februrary 2002 issue of Nintendo Power, but it didn't get released until June that same year, and by that time I had forgotten about the game (but not the girl ^_^). Failing to pick it up is one of my life's greatest failures, just behind not applying to the German Honors Society and not going to the Genesis reunion tour. I finally caught up with the game in early 2008, buying it cartridge-only for about US$40. And guess how much it's going for these days? A minimum of $150!! Yeah, I just broke you.

Not helping matters was the unusual amount of sex appeal for an otherwise kid-friendly title, which as you recall I fell victim to. While the level of violence was tame enough for an E rating in North America, picture this: all four named female characters (the hero Shantae, the villain Risky Boots, the falconer Skye, and the zombie Rottytops) wear outfits that bare their midriffs. To be fair, the Game Boy Color's screen doesn't show that much detail, and there's a balance between the characters' sexy-cute and adorable-cute appeals. Plus, I've read reports that the character was first conceived by a woman (Erin Bozon, future wife of the game's director, Matt Bozon). Besides, the most likely cause of Shantae's failure was because it was made for the Game Boy Color, a system which in 2002 was being phased out in favour of the Game Boy Advance. Heck, its final title would be released less than half a year later! (For the record, it was Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, which I also happen to own.) So, I can understand Capcom for the lack of promotion. (And to think this was well before Capcom became public enemy No.1!)

Belly-dance moves trigger transformations.

I'm sorry, enough of my musings, let's get to the review. Our eponymous heroine is a half-genie, employed as the protector of Scuttle Town. In the first act, the town gets beseiged by the crew of lady pirate Risky Boots, who makes off with a steam engine. In order to make it work, she requires the spirits of Water, Earth, Metal, and Fire, so Shantae must acquire them from the four dungeons to keep them from her. Good luck with that... Shantae is at its core one of those Metroidvania-style platformers, where the game takes place in one large world but sections are blocked off until you acquire certain abilities. In the case of this game, these abilities include transformations such as a monkey (for climbing up walls), an elephant (for breaking rocks), and a harpy (for flying). Since our hero is a genie girl, these are triggered through belly-dances: press Select to toggle the dance mode, and perform moves with the Control Pad, A, or B. In practise, it works out like playing the Ocarina from some of the Legend of Zelda games, only demanding tighter timing.

Following the Metroidvania formula does lend itself to some problems, namely, backtracking. If you want to alleviate some of the frustration, you can collect baby Warp Squids and trade them to learn transport dances. Not helping matters is the zombie caravan town, which shows up in a different location in every day/night cycle. Speaking of which, enemies have double the defence during the nights, as if they weren't tough enough already during the day. You can even the odds by purchasing projectile items such as Fireballs, Pike Balls, Storm Puffs, or support items like like health potions or Double Mints, which temporarily let you deal double damage. Don't forget, you have to trigger them by pressing Up and B, like in the original Castlevania trilogy. So yeah, if this game wore a shirt, it'd show its classic-style difficulty on its sleeves. If that's too much for you to handle, I don't have anything to say to you. 

Enemies take double damage in the night.  Oh joy...

Which is a shame, because you'd be missing out on a wonderful universe. The animation is some of the best I've seen on any 8-bit platform; even Shantae's standing animation is quite bouncy (both in the chest and otherwise, nudge nudge). The environment designs utilise a vivid colour palette, and coming out only months after 9/11, it's a nice change of pace to see the brighter side of Arabian culture used as an inspiration. As such, it's easy to see from all this that Shantae was a labour of love, and it's a shame it didn't get the recognition it deserved. As such, it proved difficult for WayForward to generate a sequel. They've had several false starts through the rest of the decade, but come 2010 they finally managed to cut out the middleman and self-publish Shantae: Risky's Revenge as a DLC title for the Nintendo DSi, followed by an enhanced (and cheaper!) port for iOS devices the following year. (We've got a Shantae sequel, a Duke Nukem sequel, a Diablo sequel... you're running out of excuses, Capcom.) Even better, the original game has since been made available on the 3DS's Virtual Console shop for a paltry US$5. I am glad this has come to fruition, so that a new generation of gamers might be able to experience Shantae without breaking the bank, because it's worth playing -- it's just not worth spending three figures on.

Positives:
+ Lots of items and transformations to play around with.
+ Fun setting and characters.
+ Wondrous animation and soundtrack.

Negatives:
- Some enemies take a lot of hits, especially during the nights.
- Large areas make for painful backtracking.
- Physical copies of this game are prohibitively expensive.

Control: 4 transformations out of 5
Design: 4 transformations out of 5
Graphics: 5 transformations out of 5
Sound: 4 transformations out of 5
Value: 4 transformations out of 5
The Call: 90% (A-)

Film Review: For Your Eyes Only

For Your Eyes Only

• Publisher: United Artists
• Studio Danjaq / EON Productions
• Release: 24 June 1981 (UK), 26 June 1981 (USA)
• Genre: Action
• Director: John Glen
• Producer: Albert R. Broccoli
• Writers: Richard Maibaum, Michael G. Wilson

The Girls: Melina Havelock (Carole Bouquet), daughter of murdered archaeologist Sir Timothy Havelock. Wants to kill those responsible, despite Bond's intentions to take them alive. It's refreshing to have a Bond Girl who's not just in it for the fanservice, but who takes matters of the plot into her own hands. 5 out of 5.

Bibi Dahl (Lynn-Holly Johnson), a figure skater bankrolled by Kristatos. Puts the moves on Bond, despite an age gap of 30 years between the actors, but thankfully he rebuffs her affections. Adds virtually nothing to the plot, but does showcase the villain's... villainy in her later confrontations with him. 3 out of 5.

Other Allies: Luigi Ferrara (John Morena), 007's contact in Italy. Throat slit offscreen by Locque.

Frederick Gray (Geoffrey Keen), British Minister of Defence. Functions as a temporary replacement for M, whose actor (Bernard Lee) died shortly after Moonraker. On that note, we also get an appearance by not-Margaret Thatcher (Janet Brown) at the end.

Aris Kristatos (Julian Glover, from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade). An industrialist and drug smuggler who is seeking to sell the ATAC to the Soviet Union. Pins his activities upon...

The Villain: Milos Colombo (Chaim Topol, from The Fiddler On the Roof). A rival smuggler of Kristatos's. He over-acts some of his scenes but, like Kerim Bey of From Russia With Love, it only makes him that much more fun to watch.. Whatever twist I hid behind those spoiler tags, it was truly a great one. 5 out of 5.

Not-Ernst Stavro Blofeld (John Hollis) tries to get his revenge in the pre-credits; because of the SPECTRE rights controversy (see my review on Thunderball for more information), his face is not shown and his name not given.

Other Henchmen: Emile Leopold Locque (Michael Gothard), an assassin and Bill Gates lookalike. I wish he had actual lines in the script, and that his kills weren't performed off-screen, but still, he's proof that you don't have to come out of one of Hitler's wet dreams (gah, that sounds so wrong) in order to be deadly. Kicked off a cliff by Bond. 5 out of 5.

Erich Kriegler (John Wyman) fits that description however, being an East German biathlon champion and the villain's liaison with the KGB. With him being a pro sharpshooter (and that's only his cover!), you think he'd be able to hit Bond for once, although during the ski chase he does manage to shoot his gun and ski pole, two quite smaller targets. Also thrown off a cliff by Bond. 4 out of 5.

The Gadgets: Not much to speak of. In a rather brilliant bucking of the traditional Bond image, his car self-destructs early in the film, forcing 007 to hitch a ride in Melina's junker Citroen. And he still manages to make a gripping chase scene out of it. 5 out of 5.

The Locations: The United Kingdom (England), Spain, Italy, Greece, and Albania (filmed in Greece). Fun Fact: The Italian setting, Cortina d'Ampezzo, hosted the Winter Olympics in 1956.

The Theme Song: Performed by Sheena Easton (from "Modern Girl"). Fun Fact: This was the first James Bond theme song to have a separate music video, directed by the legendary Steve Barron (from "Billie Jean", "Take On Me"). With MTV going on the air in America only months after the film's release, it was perfect timing. Second Fun Fact: The soundtrack was composed by Bill Conti (from Rocky), and has a distinct post-disco feel, if you're into that sort of thing. 4 out of 5.

The Opening Credits: Uses a watery theme once again, and softer pastel colours to match the tone of the song. Fun Fact: These are the only opening credits (to date) to feature the singer performing the theme song. 3 out of 5.

The Novel: The book sharing its title with the film is in fact a collection of short stories by Ian Fleming, most of which were intended as episodes of a James Bond TV series which never came to be. Of the five stories, two were incorporated into the plot of the movie: "For Your Eyes Only" (the opening conflict with Gonzales) and "Risico" (the warehouse raid). "The Hildebrand Rarity" inspired some elements of Licence To Kill, while "From a View to a Kill" and "Quantum of Solace" lent their titles (and nothing else) to two later movies.

The Plot: Our film opens with Bond at a cemetery, mourning his late wife Tracy (see On Her Majesty's Secret Service). He gets picked up by an MI6 helicopter, but it gets remotely hi-jacked by not-Blofeld. However, 007 regains control, scoops up the former villain, and drops him down a smokestack. Cue opening credits. We return to the St. Georges, a supposed fishing boat off of Albania, which is really a British spy ship with an ATAC (Automatic Targeting Attack Communicator), a device used to command the UK's submarine fleet. A mine hits the boat, sinking it before the crew can self-destruct the ATAC. With the British government unable to salvage the ATAC officially, they recruit Sir Timothy Havelock, an archeologist working in Greece. After his daughter Melina comes home from her travels, he and his wife are gunned down by her supposed pilot, in actuality a Cuban hitman named Hector Gonzales.

This is where 007 comes in: he infiltrates Gonzales's villa near Madrid, only for Melina to show up and shoot him with a crossbow. The two make their getaway in her car, and he sees her off. The Minster of Defence is disgraced at Gonzales's unexpected liquidation, but Bond notes of a person who paid him off. With Q's help, he identifies this man as Emile Leopold Locque, a Belgian assassin currently working in Cortina, Italy. There, he meets up with Ferrara, an Italian agent, and Aris Kristatos, a Greek businessman, and once again, Melina. After taking Kristatos's protege, figure skater Bibi Dahl, to the biathalon, he ends up in a ski chase against one of the supposed stars, Erich Kriegler, who is in actuality working for the KGB. That night he meets up with Dahl again at an ice rink, and returns to find Ferarra dead.

007 reunites with Melina in Greece before visiting a casino, where Kristatos tells him about a heroin smuggler named Colombo, and he goes home with Countess Lisl von Schlaf. In the morning she gets struck by Locque's dune buggy, and Bond is knocked out by another faction. He wakes up on Colombo's yacht, where he convinces Bond that Kristatos was pinning his own illicit activities on Colombo. He proves his innocence by taking 007 on a raid on Kristatos's warehouse in Albania, where he kills Locque. Back in Greece, Bond and Melina go over her father's notes and deduce the location where the St. Georges sank. They go down in a submarine to retrieve the ATAC, only to have it taken by Kristatos upon their return. He has the couple dragged behind this boat, so that they may get eaten by sharks, but Bond foils their attempt. With the ATAC gone, their trail has gone cold -- until a parrot speaks the clue "ATAC to St. Cyril's".

Despite the 439-plus churches in Greece bearing the name "St. Cyril", Colombo narrows it down to a monastery on top of a humongous rock. Bond climbs up this rock, lets his team up, and together they storm the place in search of Kristatos and the ATAC. When they find it, Colombo kills Kristatos, just in time for General Gogol to arrive, intent on purchasing the ATAC. Instead, Bond throws it off the cliff, shattering it into a thousand pieces, and leaves the Soviet general with the following line: "That's detente, comrade. You don't have it, I don't have it." That night, Bond brushes off a congratulatory phone call from Prime Minister not-Margaret Thatcher to share a moonlight swim with Melina. You may now turn off your TV.

After subsequent movies escalating from global destruction from the sea to global destruction to space, it's refreshing that the writers avoided trying to top that, and instead focus on a more political-based thriller. Most of the tension in this film comes from the stunts, including the underwater search for the ATAC, the rock climb up to the monastery, and others. If this seems unfitting of Roger Moore's 007 persona, not only does it showcase how off-track it had become, but it's because the film was written for another lead actor in mind. See, Moore was working on a per-film basis since Moonraker, so actors such as Lewis Collins and Michael Jayston were being considered to replace Moore, but that never happened. But with Moore turning 54 years old in 1981, one wishes he did take retirement, especially with the next few films we have to sit through... 5 out of 5.

The Call: 95% (A)

IchigoRyu will return in
Octopussy

Music Review: Back In Time

Now in full swing, the summer blockbuster season of 2012 has saw fit to reanimate a franchise that has been dormant for ten years.  (I wish it was that easy for video games.)  Enter Men In Black 3.  The gimmick with this film is that Agent J (Will Smith) must time-travel to the year 1969 to save his partner, Agent K (Tommy Lee Jones / Josh Brolin). Now, I'm not here to talk about the film, although I will mention that general consensus puts it below the first film but a league above the second.  Rather, I will focus my attention on MIB3's promotional single, "Back In Time" by Pitbull.


"Back In Time"

• Artist: Pitbull
• Album: Men In Black 3 [OST]
• Release: 26 March 2012
• Genre: Hip-Hop, Pop
• Label: Polo Grounds, RCA, Mr. 305
• Writers: Armando C. Perez, Marc Kinchen, Adrian Trejo, Urales Vargas, Sylvia Robinson, Ellas McDaniel, Mickey Baker
• Producers: Marc Kinchen, DJ Big Syphe, DJ Buddha

Hey wait a minute, Pitbull!? Will Smith did the tie-in songs for the first two films himself; why did they need to pull in someone else this time around? There are rumours that he's working on his first album since 2005, but he could've done the work here and now as the perfect re-launching point for his recording career! As it stands, we're stuck with one of the most atrocious rappers this side of Soulja Boy Tell'Em, may his career burn in Hell. And the only reason I can think of is because he's popular at the moment, which would also explain the brief dubstep breakdown near the end of the track. What does it have to do with the rest of the song musically? Not much, but hey, it's a rising trend too!

Because of its title, one wonders if it would sample the song of the same name by Huey Lewis and the News, which was a tie-in with Back To The Future.  But no, that would be too awesome.  Rather, the sample they used was from "Love Is Strange" by Mickey & Silvia, back from 1956.  Yeah, I've never heard of it before either.  But whatever it is, has nothing to do with Men In Black and it adds little so to the song itself that it might as well not be there at all.  For gripes' sake, the lyrics are:

Baby, ooh, baby
Ooh baby
My sweet baby
You're the one

Which could be taken from any song on the radio!  I know I'm going to regret this, but let's see what kind of personality Pitbull will add to this recipe.

It's Mr Worldwide, Agent A, Reporting live

You forgot to add "hole" in front of your agent letter. >:-)

From Cape Canaveral, MK, Big Syphe, let's ride

Oh hey, Marc Kinchen (MK) and DJ Big Syphe, two of the song's producers.  You know, this trend of making shout-outs at the beginning of songs is getting annoying, as anyone who's suffered through a JR Rotem song can attest to.  There are less intrusive ways to give credit where credit is due, ya know.

Miami equals black mask, black clothes
With a little bit of rope to tie, (I flipped it)

Around your neck, please? >:-)

Black suits, white shirts, black glasses with a matching tie
Like Agent J or Agent K, and I wish the whole world would

You wish the whole world would... what?  Stop listening to your music?  Because I'm down with that! >:-)

Okay, I'm tryin' make a billion out of 15 cents, understand, understood
I'm a go-getter, mover, shaker, culture
Bury a boarder, record-breaker won't cha
Give credit where credit is due, don't cha

...Aaand my question goes unanswered, in favour of Pitbull bragging about how awesome (he thinks) he is.  Shouldn't have been surprised.

Know that I don't give a number two
Y'all just halfway thoughts, not worth the back of my mind

My thoughts exactly. >:-)  (Okay, I need to stop using that devil smiley!)  Then again, since he's not declaring whom he doesn't care for, for all I know he could be talking about himself.  Wishful thinking, I calls it.

But to understand the future, we have to go back in time

Oh, goody, a reference to the film shoehorned in the song without any regard to how it fits in with the lyrical content!  Actually, since this song has so little to do with the movie, I have to give a tip of the hat to how it was used in the TV adverts, in which only this line, the first lines of the first verse, and the chorus can be heard.

I got the globe, yeah, in the palm of my hand
Wherever I spin it, that's where I land

I think you mixed up the word order there, pally.  To simply "spin" a globe won't give you an exact location; you have to drop your finger or something on a random point in order to know where to "land".  If I were writing this song, Heaven forbid, I'd have fixed this to something like, "I spin the globe, yeah, in the palm of my hand / Wherever it stops, that's where I land".  Oh, but then he wouldn't be able to say he has the globe in the palm of his hand.  Truly, this world - and my brain - has become a giant [chicken], just waiting to get [plucked].

Stop the movement, they can try if they want to
Ignorar lo latino, si (ignore the Latino, yeah)
They can try if they want to

Isn't this special.  He just rhymed an entire phrase with itself, with some gratuitous Spanish to boot.  And wouldn't you know it, he's done this before, in "International Love".  Pit, su escritura es perezoso.

What Pit solves is a bit raw, took like jigsaw and built it all
Despite a big loss, I'd bet it all

Oh how I wish that would happen. >:-) (Sorry, last one, we're almost done.)

And fought blind against the world, Ray Charles

Aw, what the heck now!?  One of my least favourite rappers has caught onto the "hashtag rap" trend!?  There's only one meme picture that can describe how I'm feeling:

Or, at the end of the music video, Pitbull is nice enough to flash a neuralyzer at the screen.  Smile for the camera...

...Where am I?  Was I in the middle of writing a review?  Guess so, I left a memo for myself before that guy fixed me.  Something for a song called "Back In Time"...  Man, what have I got against Huey Lewis?

Lyrics: 1 star out of 5
Music/Production: 1 star out of 5
Performance: 2 stars out of 5
The Call: 1 star out of 5 (F)

Film Review: Moonraker

Remember my last James Bond movie review, when I said the next one would be For Your Eyes Only? I lied. And I only did so because the movie itself did the same thing. After wrapping up The Spy Who Loved Me in 1977, the production crew had intended to make FYEO the next entry in the series. Then, just before TSWLM came out... Star Wars happened. George Lucas's little film that could caused a resurgence of science fiction like we've never seen. The success of Star Wars was felt in America, where Star Trek began its own film series, in Japan, where anime series such as Space Battleship Yamato and Mobile Suit Gundam, and even in the United Kingdom, where James Bond himself got in on the action in...

Moonraker

• Publisher: United Artists
• Studio Danjaq / EON Productions
• Release: 26 June 1979 (UK), 29 June 1979 (USA)
• Genre: Action, Science Fiction
• Director: Lewis Gilbert
• Producer: Albert R. Broccoli
• Writer: Christopher Wood

The Girls: Dr. Holly Goodhead (Lois Chiles), a NASA scientist, which is just her cover story; she's really a CIA agent. Given her secret role, it's a shame her potential as an action girl is wasted, but justifiably so: turns out Lois Chiles was pregnant during filming. Also, I think there's a sexual entendre in her name. I can't put my finger on it... but one thing's for sure, she's got a good head on her shoulders. 2 out of 5.

Corrine Dufour (Corrine Clery), Drax's helicopter pilot. Killed for her complicity with Bond, thus marking her as a more sympathetic character. By my call, she should've been the main Bond Girl. And is she really illiterate, or was she just using that excuse as pillow-talk? 4 out of 5.

The Villain: Hugo Drax (Michael Lonsdale). Runs an aerospace company in California. Intends to eradicate all human life on Earth, and start over with a master race of personally-selected people. Wicked rich, wicked cultured, and overall wicked beyond your wildest imaginations, he's what Stromberg should've been like. Shot by Bond and ejected into outer space. 5 out of 5.

Other Henchmen: Chang (Toshiro Suga), Drax's bodyguard and a kendo expert. Moderately scary but othersie unremarkable. Thrown out of a window by Bond. 3 out of 5.

Jaws (Richard Kiel), making a return appearance as Chang's replacement. Falls in love with a short little woman and turns on Drax based on fears that his boss's evil plan may threaten his romance. For all the terror he instills in most of his appearances, it's disappointing that his role here focuses on comic relief and characterisation. 3 out of 5.

The Gadgets: Bond has a dart gun under his watch, which can fire armour-piercing or poison-tipped darts. Said watch also contains a coil of plastic explosive, which is used with no explanation to break open the air vent grate in the rocket exhaust bay. 2 out of 5.

The Locations: The United States (California), Italy, Brazil, and outer space. I am not kidding about that last one.

The Theme Song: Performed by Shirley Bassey. The version used for the opening credits is an unremarkable love-ballad; as a sign of the times, a disco arrangement is used over the end credits. Fun Fact: The song was originally to be recorded by Johnny Mathis, but for whatever reason he ducked out of the project in the middle of recording, forcing the film crew to recruit Bassey for the third time, with only weeks to go. 2 out of 5.

The Opening Credits: Uses space and sky-themed backgrounds and some rather dodgy silhouette animation. Tame, like the music used over it. 3 out of 5.

The Novel: The third James Bond novel by Ian Fleming, published in 1955. In this original version of the story, the Moonraker is a ballistic missile, and Hugo Drax was a former British soldier who founded a aerospace industrial plant near Dover after events in World War II. He later reveals himself to be an ex-Nazi commander who seeks to restore the Third Reich by using the nuclear-equipped Moonraker on London. The Bond Girl is his assistant Gala Brand, and notably, she doesn't shack up with Bond because she's engaged to someone else.

The Plot: The movie opens with the Moonraker, a prototype space shuttle, being hijacked off from its carrier plane over Canada. As the craft was en route to the UK, M calls 007 off from his current assignment, in which he gets knocked out of a plane without a parachute but steals one from the hapless pilot. Also, Jaws. Cue opening credits. Back at MI6, M notices that no traces of the Moonraker were found in the plane wreckage, so he assigns Bond to investigate the California factory where it was built. He meets Hugo Drax, Corrine Dufour, a helicopter pilot, and Dr. Holly Goodhead, an astronaut on loan from NASA. Goodhead takes him on a tour of the facilities, ending with a test of the centrifuge trainer. The ride gets sabotaged, so Bond shuts it down with his new dart gun.

Bond and Dufour spend the night together, and she helps him find some of Drax's blueprints. In the morning, Drax invites him to a hunting party. His snipers fail to kill Bond, but his attack dogs succeed in killing Dufour. The blueprints refer to a glassmaker in Venice, Italy. Bond does a night raid of the place and finds a secret lab, witnessing a couple of scientists die in a nerve gas accident. Also he fights off and kills Chang, Drax's bodyguard. The next morning, Bond invites M and company to investigate the lab, only to find it replaced by Drax's office. This humiliates M, but Bond keeps the case afloat by giving him a sample of the nerve gas from the old lab. Also he meets up with Goodhead again and discovers her to be a CIA agent.

From there, Bond investigates one of Drax's warehouses in Rio de Janeiro, catching up with Goodhead again. The two fend off Jaws, since hired by Drax, on the Sugarloaf Mountain cable cars, but she gets abducted by Drax's men. Bond then travels to a monastery-slash-MI6 field base in the Brazilian countryside, where M and Q tell him about the nerve gas sample, how it kills humans but not plants or animals, and its place of origin in the Amazon jungle. From there, he take a ride in a Q-Branch-modified boat and ends up at Drax's base. He fills in the holes of his plan for Bond and leaves him with Goodhead under one of the Moonraker rockets, to be burned up when it takes off. But Bond and Goodhead escape through an air vent, masquerade as two technicians, and take off in another rocket.

The Moonraker rockets converge at a space station, from which Drax storyboards his plan: use the orchid nerve gas to kill all human life on Earth, and re-populate it with a master race of perfectly-fit people he brought up with him. The space station is hidden from Earth by a radar jammer; Bond and Goodhead disable it but are caught by Jaws. Before he can throw the spies out the airlock, Bond convinces him that the plan might jeopardise his new girlfriend, so Jaws turns on his master. Meanwhile, the Americans have sent up a crew and raid the space station, disabling it but for three globes of nerve gas that have already been launched. Bond and Goodhead take off in a Moonraker shuttle, use its onboard laser cannon to safely shoot down the globes during re-entry, and once again the day is saved. You are now free to turn off your TV.

No doubt about it, Moonraker was made with pound-signs in the producers' eyes. Not only was it chosen to capitalise on the success of Star Wars, but what they cranked out is essentially a retread of The Spy Who Loved Me on science-fiction steroids. Think about it: a multi-millionaire industrialist seeks to re-start Earth's population the hard way. Shame they couldn't copy any of the good aspects while they were at it, like the tension of a Bond Girl who intends to kill our hero when their work is done, or a henchmen who's not used for comic relief. On the plus side, when you've just sent 007 into outer space to stop a man from killing everybody on Earth, there's no way to top that; you've got to get back down to reality. Perhaps the '80s will give this franchise such an opportunity. 2 out of 5.

The Call: 45% (D-)

IchigoRyu will return in
For Your Eyes Only (this time for real)

Second Opinion: Super Mario Bros. 2

As you may recall, for my April Fools' Day special this year, I converted my review on the Super NES version of Doom into video form... in the style of the Irate Gamer. At first I had only seen a few episodes of his show, and despite his occasional lapses of research failures and hypocrisies, there were some moments of his I genuinely liked. I watched more of his show as I was working on my episode, and it was then that I chanced upon his "review" of Super Mario Bros. 2 for the NES. This, ladies and gentlemen, was the moment when I lost all respect for the Irate Gamer as a critic. There was so much he overlooked and just failed to care about that it instantly became one of those opinions I refused to recognise. And so, here's what I have to say about what the Irate Gamer had to say about...

Super Mario Bros. 2

• Publisher: Nintendo
• Developer: Nintendo
• Platform/Release:
• NES, October 1988
• Game Boy Advance, 10 June 2001 (as Super Mario Advance)
• Genre: 2D Action (Platformer)
• Players: 1
• Rarity/Cost:
• NES: Common, US$10-20
• GBA: Common, US$5-10

"If you line up all the Super Mario games in order, one of them just sticks out like a sore thumb."

You mean Super Mario World 2: Yoshi's Island, the one game out of those five in which you don't even play as Mario? ...Still good, though.

"Now when you start this game, you'll have the choice of picking from four different characters., all with their own special abilities. Mario is the regular fighter, Luigi is the high jumper, Princess Peach can hover in the air for extended periods of time, and Toadstool, well, he's pretty much worthless."

Toad is not useless; he's the fastest digger out of all the four characters. Which comes in handy in places such as the levels in World 2, which have deep digging passages.

"[...] You'll notice that the gameplay has been totally altered. First they did away with the ability to smash your enemies. Instead, you'll have to pick them up and toss them at other enemies in order to kill them."

Okay, look. I can understand annoyance at the loss of instant gratification, like the kind you find when you stomp on an enemy in Super Mario Bros. and it goes away right then and there. But SMB2 plays by its own set of rules, and if you're comparing it to a completely foreign system, then you're not going to have fun with it. Which, might I argue, is the point of video games on the whole, no?

"Second, this game is only a one-player game. It's totally different from the original in which you can play two players."

Funny thing about that: in its earliest stages of development, SMB2 was conceived as supporting two player co-op, but this feature was deemed not fun enough and scrapped early on. Also, the multiplayer offerings from the first SMB were of the take-turns variety.

"And remember that invincibility star? Well, yeah, they pretty much [verb]ed that whole thing up, too. Instead of now finding the star, you'll have to go around collecting five cherries that are scattered around the levels. And after you collected that fifth cherry, you've got to wait for it!"

Look at that scene again. Not only did he cut away from that footage in order to artificially stretch it out, but he also slowed down the footage itself. Yeah, I can tell. I re-created that scenario, and the time it took for the Starman to rise up from the screen and touch my player was exactly 10.85 seconds. And besides, it's not like Cherries are hard to find, in most levels.

"And while we're at it, this game could really use a lot more power-ups, too. Some spots in the game are so over-crowded with enemies, it's insane."

Wimp.

"At the end of the game, you'll finally meet up with the last boss, Wart, who ends up just really being a pushover. All you have to do is throw vegetables at him when his mouth is open, and he'll choke on them and die. And yet again giving kids another reason not to eat their vegetables."

Your hero, ladies and gentlemen.

"Released only in Japan, [Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Levels] continues where the first one left off. All the same enemies, power-up items, even the maps look the same. This right here is the perfect predecessor to the first Mario game."

When you said that part about the same items, you showed a Poison Mushroom - an item not found in the first SMB. Also, let me emphasize one of the words he said: predecessor. I'm not sure if he didn't notice that, or if he's just really stupid.

"I did some more research, and found something that's guaranteed to flip some [noun]. Years earlier, a game was released in Japan called Doki-doki Panic. [...] It's the exact same game! And we're not just talking about copying the layout of the levels - everything has been stolen! The enemies, power-ups, music, everything! If you compare both these games side by side, they're the exact same video game."

Funny thing about that: the game in question (full title Yume Kojo: Doki-doki Panic) was made by Nintendo themselves - with Shigeru Miyamoto at the helm, to boot. So would ya mind telling me how Nintendo could've ripped off SOMETHING THEY CREATED IN THE FIRST PLACE!?!? Oh wait, it gets even better: DDP was originally conceived as a sequel to Super Mario Bros. in the first place. That explains why items like Starmen, Coins, and the Pow Block (from the 1983 Mario Bros.) were in there to begin with.

If you want to know more about Doki-doki Panic (and if you want to see me totally show up the Irate Gamer), here you go: The game was released for the Famicom Disk System in 1987 as a tie-in with Fuji TV's "Yume Kojo '87" (English: "Dream Factory '87") promotion. The major difference between this game and SMB2 is that it has a save function and unlimited continues, but you can only switch characters in between worlds or when you start or resume a game. Also, each of the four characters progresses separately, so to get the best ending, you have to beat the game four times, once for each of them.

"Even the characters in this game have the exact same abilities as the characters from Mario 2! I mean, look: here's Mario, Luigi, Princess, and yeah, even the worthless Toad."

You may have matched the DDP and SMB2 characters by looks, but not by abilities. Technically, the character you labelled as Mario's counterpart, Papa, has Toad's abilities, and vice-versa for Imajin, the guy you labelled as Toad's counterpart. Oh, and if you find the fact that DDP's Mama shares the role of SMB2's Luigi to be hilarious in hindsight, then we have so much to discuss.

"It's unclear as to why they copied [DDP] in the first place. But many have speculated that the real Mario 2 game was just too much like the first one."

Partial credit, for once. See, Nintendo of America was the one who chose not to sell the original SMB2 abroad. Partly because it was more of the same, but mostly because of its intense, "fustrating" challenge, and at such an early stage, NoA did not want to risk Mario's popularity with a product they felt others would not appreciate. Now, The Lost Levels has been re-released numerous times (I've played it as part of Super Mario Bros. Deluxe on Game Boy Color), and I agree that it puts you to the test, alright. But still, better late then never -- or better late than on time, in this case.

"Now, I was never a big fan of Super Mario 2, but a few years ago, they released it again, and this time for the Game Boy Advance. Super Mario 2 was given a complete makeover, and the end result is amazing. I can honestly say that for the first time, this truly feels like a Mario game."

Even though the level designs and core mechanics have gone unchanged?

"They totally revamped all the levels..."

By which you mean they simply changed around the enemy placement and added five red coins per level.

"...included a lot more power-ups, mixed in with some interesting enemies..."

Both of which are merely larger versions of things already present in the game.

"...and now finding hearts to replenish your health is so much easier."

Allow me to say it again. *ahem*

 
WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMP!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, dude? If you think a game holding your hand is a deciding factor of quality... well, you may be right some times, but this is not one of those times! You must secretly suck at gaming -- and this isn't the only example. It has come to my attention that you could only get through the first few levels of subjects like Resident Evil 5 and Robocop 2, and you only made it as far as you did on Final Fantasy III and Ghosts & Goblins because you cheated. Hoo boy, I can't wait to challenge you to some sort of showdown somewhere along the line.

So what do I think of the game? It's certainly well-executed, no surprise coming from a Nintendo product. Sure, the pick-up and throw mechanic is different than what we're used to, but with the way the game revolves around it, it becomes second nature fast. (And if it doesn't, it's you that needs to change.) My biggest beef with the original version is its lack of a save function, but unlike a certain someone I just talked about, I'm no crybaby. I understand that back in 1988, this was an unconventional and not exactly cost-effective feature, so I know better than to judge it for that. Besides, that's what the ports are for. All things considered, Super Mario Bros. 2 scores 90%, an A-.