Anime Review: Totally Spies!

Totally Spies!

• Studio: Marathon 
• Network: TF1 (FRA), Teletoon (CAN), Cartoon Network (USA) 
• Air Dates: 3 November 2001 - 2014* 
• Episodes: 156* 
• Creators: Vincent Chalvon-Demersay, David Michel 

*As of this writing, the 6th season has not yet aired in the United States and may or may not have aired in Canada. Concrete information on this show, including its recent airdates, is sparse.

Ladies and gentlemen, I've teased this review a number of times when I started this blog, but I've never been able to work up the material to finish it. But with the Strawberry Dragon Project's 5-year anniversary looming this month, I figure it would be a suitably symbolic time to get it out of the way. So let's do this: it's time to review Totally Spies!.

Back in the early 2000s, Western culture went through some sort of spy-fiction boom in movies, TV, and video games. I'm not completely sure why; maybe it had something to do with the James Bond franchise returning from hiatus in 1995, and it took a little more time to set in. These stories sought to copy the "exciting" surface elements of latter-day Bond, but threw the important stuff like characterisation to the wayside. This movement gave us options for both grown-up (xXx with Vin Diesel) and younger (Agent Cody Banks with Frankie Muniz) audiences, and few if any were rembered fondly in the long run. Heck, even the Bond franchise itself ended up feeling like one of those wannabes at some point. If you wanted anything with any depth of characters or plot, you'd have to turn to sleeper hits like the Bourne trilogy (i.e. The Bourne Identity with Matt Damon). Thankfully, it was those very sleeper hits which shaped the direction of Bond itself when it came back from yet another hiatus, in 2006's Casino Royale with Daniel Craig. But for the most part, we had to console ourselves with junk like Totally Spies!.

The titular spies are three high-school girls from Beverly Hills. Their numbers are Sam (EN: Jennifer Hale, FR: Claire Guyot), Clover (EN: Andrea Baker, FR: Fily Keita), and Alex (EN: Katie Leigh / Katie Griffin, FR: Céline Mauge). Sam is the smart straight-man and unofficial leader of the team, Clover is the most boy- and fashion-crazy out of the three, and Alex is the sporty tomboy who occasionally bridges the gaps during Sam and Clover's arguments. The girls' personalities do overlap from time to time, as is common among friends (I assume), but for the most part they never evolve past their archetypes, if not stereotypes. And annoying archetypes, if not stereotypes, at that. Maybe it's just my educated masculine upbringing talking, but the way these girls blow their civilian-life issues so out of proportion makes it harder for me to sympathise with them. Clover especially is the worst in this regard -- I'm pretty sure she even complains about breaking a fingernail at some point. That's the level of intelligence we're dealing with here, peoples.

The many Clover-vs-Mandy arguments are showdowns of annoying versus annoying.

As is common for this type of "Get up, go to school, save the world" show (see also: the Mystical Ninja anime I reviewed way back when I started this blog), the episodes are framed by B-plots centred around dilemmas in the girls' public lives. Most of them feature Mandy (EN: Jennifer Hale, FR: Céline Mauge), a girl much like Clover, except snobby and antagonistic. Also she looks like Rebecca Black, but without the kind personality that made her crimes against music forgivable. (Man, I really must have mellowed out on "Friday" since then...). If nothing else, she serves to make Clover and company look good by comparison. There are also the numerous anonymous hunks whom our girls attempt various degrees of shacking-up with, but a scant few show up in more than one episode. The most recurring boyfriend prospect is the long/tan/handsome David, but he never gets the chance to have any real character development, and is essentially discarded after the first few seasons. He's basically this show's answer to Sylvia Trench. (Remember her? James Bond's on-again-off-again girlfriend from the first two movies?)

But the "Save the world" part of this "Get up, go to school, save the world" setup is the meat and potatoes of this show. The girls' civilian troubles must, inevitably take a backseat to actual international crises, delivered by their handler Jerry (EN: Jess Harnell / Adrian Truss, FR: Jean-Claude Dunda) and his organisation. Said organisation is saddled with the name of World Organization Of Human Protection, commonly pronounced as WOOHP. *sigh* ...Yeah, apparently this show's writers have a propensity for painful acronyms. If you're hoping for anything of the calibre of "Every Villain Is Lemons (EVIL)" from that one SpongeBob episode, don't. It's even more painfully unfunny then how, EVERY -- SINGLE -- EPISODE, they get summonned into WOOHP headquarters by way of getting sucked into a trap door or some such hidden hole. If you didn't have the right context on hand, you could imagine that WOOHP is in fact a police state that somehow took over the Los Angeles metropolitan area. (By the way, do you think Jerry might be a fan of Excel Saga? This show would be more interesting if our girls took orders from Il Palazzo, I tell you what.)

Furthering the episode-to-episode routine, Jerry follows up just about every mission briefing with a pre-selected array of gadgets; purpose-built devices incorporated into objects which would would look normal on a normal person of their type. And yes, this also gives them opportunities for more painful acronyms, most egregiously with the dive-helmet called the "UPWATI". I warned you there'd be more. First of all, what's the matter, never heard of on-site procurement? Like they made such a big deal out of in Metal Gear Solid? I swear, these gals wouldn't last a minute on Shadow Moses Island. Seriously, I do have some constructive criticism to this setup. My biggest problem is that it's all so contrived. Jerry always picks out the gadgets for them, without any input from the spies themselves, and they all serve a coincidentally specific use in furthering their investigation or escaping from a deathtrap. And yeah, I know James Bond did the same thing too, but he never gave the impression of being helpless without them. Said impression cannot be made of the titular Totally Spies. If I had control over this show, I'd let the girls pick their own gadgets, making them think about the situations that would present themselves ahead. Or is that too dangerously close to character development for this show? Also, can we address the vivid green, red, and yellow catsuits the spies or their superiors thought would be a suitable uniform? I guess I know why they get captured so often, then.

They may come through in the end, but our girls are generally terrible spies,
in case those bright catsuits didn't tip you off already.

From then on, episodes generally follow a pattern of investigation, infiltration, discovering the villain-of-the-day, getting caught by the villain-of-the-day, escaping the deathtrap-of-the-day by way of gadgets, and finally catching the villain-of-the-day. I'm not saying they should tie every episode to one another in an ongoing arc. And I'm not saying that monster-of-the-day (or in this case, villain-of-the-day) shows can't be good, either. Neon Genesis Evangelion was at its best when it did the monster-of-the-day thing, as you may recall me saying. But Totally Spies! just doesn't have the right stuff to pull it off. Whereas some of these shows have some kind of evil organisation tying the monsters-of-the-day together and providing the promise of some kind of climax to look forward to, Totally Spies! doesn't have this, for the most part. I say "for the most part" because the later seasons introduce a team of recurring villains known as... LAMOS. Ladies and gentlemen, you have my permission to facepalm.

 Anyway, the villains at least get some sort of backstory, usually in the form of them having been shot down for a job/role/date/whatever, and them exacting excessive revenge via some form of doomsday device, and not practical ones either. Over the course of the series, the villains use (real?) stage magic, extraterrestrial aliens, and a satellite-mounted freeze ray with intent to freeze the entire Earth over, so yeah, this show plays hard and loose with the idea of reality. You'd think I shouldn't complain about realism, as I have a webcomic which incorporates magic into an otherwise realistic historical setting. But some things are beyond my limits of disbelief suspension, like how a gourmet food critic is entitled to complain when served a 200-ounce steak.

For the record, I'm still keeping the "Anime Review" tag in the title of this article despite this show not having been conceived in Japan, but rather the French and/or Canadian studio Marathon. Coincidentally, French also uses the word "animé" to refer to animated productions as does Japanese (minus the accent on the 'e'). It's furtherly funny I should mention this, because Totally Spies! does rely heavily on the Japanese anime aesthetic for its design and art style. It's "Animesque", if you will. It's a shame they did it so sloppily though, as not only does the animation lack the fluidity of motion and dynamic scene composition I've come to associate with Japanese anime at its best, but animation and continuity errors are fairly common if you look. I'm not normally the type to look out for this sort of thing, but the one scene where Clover and Mandy are arguing with their voices accidentally switched (no seriously, this is a thing that happens) is yet another of those goofs which are beyond even my tolerance. Besides, Marathon forgot the most important lesson they should've taken from Japanese anime, and that is... not to sexualise teenagers. I mean, the other most important lesson: to have actual character development.

Between the villains, heroes, and side characters, I'm only steps away from giving this show the "Eight Deadly Words": "I don't care what happens to these people". So why do I keep watching it? Because Totally Spies! is a prime example of a guilty pleasure. If nothing else, the spy girls themselves are pretty, and say what you want about them being materialistic fashionistas, at least the animators gave them more than a handful of outfits! Plus, there are occasional shake-ups to the formula, and it is those moments which make for the series' more memorable episodes. But most of the time, it sticks to its formula, to its detriment. There's nothing that shows the girls are evolving in their spycraft over the course of the show. Such may be the curse of the monster-of-the-week format, but that's no excuse for not trying. You could also brush off its shortcomings as the curse of childrens' entertainment, but that's not a good excuse either. I'd consider Kaleido Star to be kid-friendly, and it has some of the best characterisation I've ever seen in a TV show. And whilst on the business of comparing Totally Spies! to other cartoons, let me close by reminding you that when this show came out, it competed with the Disney Channel's girl-power spy-fi show, Kim Possible, which was considerably more genre-savvy, gender-inclusive, and didn't use [verb]ing acronyms for everything. I think that says all you need to know about Totally Spies!: apparently, some of the most telling critiques come not from the work itself, but from contrasting it with other works.

Positives
+ The few episodes which shake up the formula shine even brighter for it.

Negatives
- Little in the way of character development.
- Annoying main and side characters.
- The stories adhere strictly to a formula.
- The animation is barely up to par when it isn't goofing up.

Acting: 2 rainbow catsuits out of 5
Writing: 1 rainbow catsuits out of 5
Animation: 2 rainbow catsuits out of 5
Visual Design: 3 rainbow catsuits out of 5
The Call: 50% (D)

Music Review: Get Lucky vs. Blurred Lines

"Get Lucky" Artist: Daft Punk (Thomas Bangalter, Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo) feat. Pharell Williams Album: Random Access Memories Genre: Dance/Electronic Label: Columbia / Daft Life Release: 19 April 2013 Writers: Daft Punk, Pharrell Williams, Nile Rodgers Producers: Daft Punk	"Blurred Lines" Artist: Robin Thicke feat. Pharell Williams & T.I. (Clifford Harris Jnr) Album: Blurred Lines Genre: Pop Label: Interscope / Star Trak Release: 26 March 2013 Writers: Robin Thicke, Pharell, T.I. Producer: Pharell

Disco.  Just one word can carry so much meaning, and in this case, "disco" may evoke in you memories of a musical genre laden in camp and too embarrassing to wish to recall.  After all, the phrase "Deader than Disco" is apparently a thing.  But what if this sound and even its spirit never left our public consciousness?  To that effect, I present three pieces of evidence for you kind people to ponder.  1) Compare the disco sound to the New Wave/New Romantic sub-genres which sprang up directly afterwards.  2) Consider the endless infusion of "in da club" pop-rap from the turn of the decade which, whilst having less to do with disco in terms of music, carries on its lyrical themes of material and sexual excess in the dance hall.  And 3) as I write this, there are three songs in the top ten which all claim influence from the disco sound of the 1970s, and to an extent the early 80s.  I am talking about the subjects of today's article, "Get Lucky" and "Blurred Lines", and also "Treasure" by Bruno Mars.  Which is alright, but I'm passing it over for now because A) the other two share singer Pharell, B) they both have similar lyrical themes, and C) comparisons tend to work best in twos.

The Music

The one word I would use to describe the music in "Get Lucky" is "authentic".  It strikes a balance between synthesizers and live instruments which was perfected in the late '70s and '80s, as we may have forgotten when reminiscing upon those times.  It probably helps that Daft Punk brought in co-writer and guitarist Nile Rodgers, formerly of the band Chic, which brought the disco scene some of its most iconic and, for better or worse, enduring tracks.  His funky shredding cleverly disguises the fact that, structurally, this song follows the Four Chords of Pop structure.

The vocals on "Get Lucky" are almost entirely sung by Pharell.  The nice thing about having him on here is that if you turn the pitch up and add some choice sound effects, bam, you can make him sound like Michael Jackson.  Something tells me Daft Punk would've drafted Michael Jackson if he were alive today.  Helps that the King of Pop dabbled in the disco sound himself.  Back to Pharell, his role is inverted on "Blurred Lines", where apart from the production work, his parts are reduced to the occasional ad-lib, while Robin Thicke takes centre stage and T.I. gets a guest rap verse.  T.I.'s alright, he's never been my least favourite rapper or anything, but for the frontman, Robin Thicke doesn't quite have the energy to carry so much weight on his own.  Also, he throws in the most annoying laugh I've ever heard in a pop song.  ...Oh wait, I just flashed back to Eminem in "Just Lose It".  Better make that the second most annoying laugh I've ever heard in a pop song.

Whereas "Get Lucky" draws inspiration from the height of the disco era, "Blurred Lines" evokes the genre's earlier years, leaning more towards the funk side of it.  Pharell's beat is inspired by (but not directly sampled from) the likes of Marvin Gaye's "Got to Give It Up", and anyone who draws inspiration from Marvin Gaye is alright in my book.  Unfortunately, there's nothing much else going on in the beat, and given Pharell's past history of making minimalism into an art form, when he says he only needed to spend an hour on the song [link], I believe it.  Thus, the one word I would use to describe the music in "Blurred Lines" is "cheap".

The Lyrics

There are similarities between the lyrics of "Get Lucky" and "Blurred Lines", the first being that both songs are from the point of view of a guy, or guys, cruisin' for a screwin'.  But they go about it differently.  Whereas Robin Thicke and T.I are deliberately more up-front in "Blurred Lines", Pharell in "Get Lucky" takes it slower and more intelligently, describing the scene as such in the first lines:

Like the legend of the Phoenix
All ends with beginnings
What keeps the planets spinning
The force from the beginning

I have no idea what that means, but it sound beautiful.  Maybe it's by virtue of Daft Punk's operating out of France which permits them to not rely on the lowest-common denominator as we Americans have perfected, but it's a breath of fresh air no matter how you explain it.  Numerous rappers have made the mistake of trying to be poetic after stating their intentions of getting in the guts of Mrs. Deuteragonist, but not so here: these are the first lines.  And... there's not much else to go by. Between two verses, a bridge, and a chorus, "Get Lucky" has but 16 distinct lines to its name before having to resort to repetition.  "Blurred Lines", on the other hand, can boast nearly twice as many.  Not necessarily better lines, mind you, but on the sliding scale of quantity vs. quality, at least it's sticking to a side and not living up to its namesake.  (You know, blurring the lines.)

To be fair, both songs use repetition in their hooks.  "Get Lucky" repeats "We're up all night to get lucky", and "Blurred Lines" repeats "I know you want it".  Despite "Get Lucky" repeating its line more often -- much more often -- they mix it up from time to time, such as layering another round of the chorus on top, or the Daft Punk guys morphing those words into a vocoder jam.  But when Robin Thicke repeats the line "I know you want it" in his chorus, it's done twice in the middle of it, so it comes across more like he's stalling for time.  To be fair, it is a panicky situation to run out of words during your song.

Okay, now he was close
Tried to domesticate you
But you're an animal
Baby, it's in your nature

*sigh* How many times have I told you?  Fellas?  It's not your place to claim you know the mindset of the target of your lust.  You don't know that.  YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!

Just let me liberate ya
You don't need no papers
That man is not your maker

Okay, so this is another one of those "I will steal your girl" songs which was yet another unfortunate side effect of what I call the neo-disco era of the early 2010s.

I feel so lucky
You wanna hug me
What rhymes with "hug me"?
[beat]

Ugh, I can practically hear the guy from that "If you know what I mean" meme in those lines.  Not helping is the fact that Robin himself laughs a little whilst delivering that last line.  Or the fact that he rhymed "hug me" with itself and left the joke hanging.  But if it were an effort to defuse the obvious punchline, so much the better, I guess.  Either way, pickup jokes will get you know where.  See, Pharell knows how it's done, as he demonstrates on that other song:

What is this I'm feeling
If you want to leave I'm with it

Oh, and the phrase "get lucky" almost rhymes with "hug me".  What a tangled web we weave.  All the same, I wouldn't exactly call this stuff "rapey"; after all, we once had a song literally (minus censorship) titled "Tonight (I'm [verb]ing You)", and this is nowhere near as blunt.  That was, however, until I discovered the following line:

Baby, can you breathe?
I got this from Jamaica
It always works for me
Dakota to Decatur

By referring to Jamaica and breathing in the same couplet, this is a fairly obvious marijuana reference.  Although to be fair, I'm not familiar with marijuana's use as a date-rape drug.  Not that I have experience with date-rape drugs, either on the giving or receiving end, so that shows what I know.  Besides, this verse comes across as more like a suggestion than a threat.  Compare that to these lines from another song, namely "Shake That" by Eminem and Nate  (and yes, this was from Eminem's sucky period):

Pop a little champagne and a couple of E's
Mix it with the bubbly
[...]
I want a [noun] to sit at the crib with no panties on
Knows that she can't but she won't say no (Not a rhyme -Ed.)
[...]
Tonight I want a [noun]
Hope you don't mind
I told him how you like it from behind

Now that certainly comes across as more fatalistic, like it's only one step above shouting "YOU GONNA GET RAPED".  "Blurred Lines"?  Not so much.  Pardon the pun, but of the many lines "Blurred Lines" blurs, it blurs the lines between Thicke playing a harmless pickup artist and a sexual predator.  Seriously, you can do much worse.  Besides, all three men involved in the conception and performance of this song have done the favour of reminding us that they are all happily married men and just having a little fun.  And I ain't calling them liars.  I mean come on, can't we all just enjoy "Blurred Lines" in the innocent spirit in which it was intended to be enjoyed?

...

Not when there are other, better disco throwbacks on the radio.

"Get Lucky": Lyrics: 4 out of 5 Music: 5 out of 5 Performance: 5 out of 5 The Call: 5 out of 5 (A)

"Blurred Lines": Lyrics: 2 out of 5 Music: 3 out of 5 Performance: 3 out of 5 The Call: 3 out of 5 (C)

Top 10: Cutest Dark-Skinned Girls

February is the month which gives us Valentine's Day, a tribute to the multiple Christian saints named Valentine.  It also plays host Black History Month, which Carter G. Woodson started in 1926 for the second week of February, only to be expanded to the whole month 50 years later.  So the way I see it, why bother celebrating one occasion or the other, when you can tackle both in one fell swoop?  These are my top ten cutest dark-skinned lady characters.  Now, please bear in mind that I'm judging them based not only on sex-appeal (or non-sexual charm, for the underaged), but also how well they are written as characters in their given universes.  And since I'm limited to my personal experiences, expect a focus on animated characters.  Also, in order to avoid having to weigh sex appeal and non-sexual childish charm, I decided to split this list into two top-five lists, one each for adults and the youth.  A cop-out for not bothering to find ten of one or the other?  Hey, I had to do this in time for Valentine's Day!  Besides, no one list of this sort will be complete, because everybody values different things in whatever they classify, so I encourage you readers to make up your own.  (NB: Release dates refer to North America unless otherwise specified.)

Adult Category

5) Kida
from Atlantis: The Lost Empire (Film, 2001)
Home: Atlantis
Age: Over 8,000 (!)

The forty-first entry in the Disney Animated Canon may lie on shaky ground critically, depending on whom you talk to, but it's a lot of fun and has some decent rewatchability.  Case in point: the animators' MO was something along the lines of "less singing, more explosions".  And then there's the romantic co-lead, Princess Kidagakash of Atlantis.  Following on the illustrious tradition of Ariel and Jasmine, Kida's default costume reveals her midriff, so we're already off to a good start.  But she's more than just looks; she gets some sweet moments of action in protecting her underground kingdom from percieved invaders.  And unlike most Disney Princesses, she takes an active role in deciding the fate of her realm alongside (against?) her ailing father.  Oh, did I mention she's over seven or even eight thousand years old?  For what it's worth, I have read rumours that Atlanteans age at a rate of 1:300 years or somesuch, thus giving Kida the appearance of a twenty-something.  With white hair.  It's true what they say: age is only a number.  Especially when you have a magic crystal around your neck which extends your lifespan.

4) Yoruichi Shihoin
from Bleach (Comic/TV, 2004-present)
Home: Soul Society
Age: Unknown

I may never have the opportunity to cover Bleach on this blog, not when there are so many manga chapters and anime episodes that I will never plausibly be able to catch up.  But if you need a reason to jump in, try Yoruichi on for size.  Despite her having been self-exiled from the Soul Reapers, I've heard she's one of the most powerful characters in the Bleach universe.  In a world where Soul Reapers rely on morphing swords to get their job done, Yoruichi does the talking with her fists, and to say the least, her size belies her strength.  In fact, her martial art of choice forces her to wear clothes with no back or sleeves, due to the way it releases Spiritual Pressure from her body.  She's incredibly skilled in the art of Flash Step, that short-range teleporty thing everyone does in this show.  Also, for some reason she can transform into a cat, and since she's naked whenever she morphs back, one of her hobbies is doing it in front of hero -- just to troll him.  So, I guess that makes her the "Flash Master" for more reason than one! =^_^=



3) Urd
from Oh My Goddess! (Comic/TV, 1994-present)
Home: Heaven
Age: Unknown

In Oh My Goddess!, college student Keiichi Nabeshima is blessed with the companionship of a goddess named Belldandy, but the fun doesn't stop there.  A few volumes in, a couple more goddesses pop in to spice up Keiichi's life, one of them Urd.  But she differs from her half-sisters in that she is half-demon on her mother's side.  (Said mother, Demon Lord Hild, could've easily made the list if I chose to expand it to ten per side, but again, I needed to get this out on time.)  Her heritage reflects her passionate, flirty, and twisted personality, in that she balances the light and the dark for maximum effect.  She's also quite the kooky chemist, as she serves as a secret matchmaker for Keiichi and Belldandy, usually by sneaking one or the other some sort of love potion or what-not.  It helps that this series is a supernatural sitcom, one of the few genres in which I could appreciate such machinations.


2) Elena
from Street Fighter III (Game, 1997-1999)
Home: Kenya
Age: Unknown

Created for the Street Fighter III mini-series, Elena brings her franchise its first representation of Capoeira, a martial art created in Brazil by ex-African slaves, who managed to get it past their white owners by passing it off as a dance.  Indeed, Elena manages to portray both sides of Capoeira in her portrayal of it.  For one, when playing as her, all 6 of the game's attack buttons are used for kicks, the opposite of the SFII boxer boss Balrog (or M. Bison if you are so inclined).  Second, if you have a chance to see her in action, her animations have a more detailed look to them; they seem to have been rotoscoped in a manner different from the other characters'.  I may admit to sucking at the Street Fighter games, but in just about anyone's hands, Elena is poetry in motion.  It's a shame she hasn't gotten so much exposure; aside from ports of the SFIII trilogy, her last appearance since was in the DLC pack for Street Fighter X Tekken -- you know, the one that was locked on the disc and therefore DESERVES TO BE OURS FOR FREE IN THE FIRST -- sorry, I seem to have had an out-of-script moment.

...

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!!!!!!!!!

...

Edit: Please disregard the previous bout of rage; Elena has since been added to Ultra Street Fighter IV.



1) Rouge
from Power Stone (Game, 1999-2000)
Home: Mahdad
Age: 23

Oh great, another character from an under-exposed Capcom fighter.  Isn't that special.  Anyone remember Power Stone, that non-conventional fighter back from Capcom's good old days?  I sure do, thanks in large part to the lady painted right next to the arcade cabinet's controls -- none other than Rouge (not to be confused with the bat girl from Sonic the Hedgehog).  Hailing from what I assume to be an alternate-universe 19th-centure Baghdad, Rouge pulls double-duty as a fortune teller and belly dancer, which she incorporates into her speedster fighting style -- with fire effects to make her hits feel even more powerful.  And in a game where characters can morph into special forms by collecting gems from about the arena, her new costume goes over-the-top -- by which I mean her top shrinks to impractical levels and her hair catches fire.  See this is why Power Stone needs an HD remake or -- gasp! -- a sequel.  Also Mega Man Legends 3.

  Juvenile Category


5) Korra
from The Legend of Korra (TV, 2012-present)
Home: Southern Water Tribe
Age: 17

I wish to make it known that Avatar: The Last Airbender is the best thing to happen to American animation since Walt Disney.  ...Because they emulated the Japanese.  Seriously, this show is one of the few Occidental cartoons to take itself seriously, with epic storylines and characters, including the waterbender Katara, who also could've qualified for this list.  But what could be better than everything Katara and her show represent?  Try doing all that -- and being the star protagonist of your show.  As the next Avatar after Aang from the original series, Korra uses her existing knowledge of water, earth, and firebending in innovative, dynamic ways in her fights with the Equalists.  In between bouts of trying to learn airbending, Korra has a fierce independent streak, getting into unsanctioned adventures like her stint in the Pro Bending league.  As such, if I had to choose one, I'd hang with her over Aang because she's certainly more fun to be around.  Besides, for someone who's not even eighteen, she sure is stacked for her age (and for a Nicktoons character)!  She's a hottie.  Deal with it.

4) Taro Maria Sekiutsu
from Sayonara, Zetsubou-Sensei (Comic, 2009-present)
Home: not-Japan
Age: Unknown

Sayonara, Zetsubou-Sensei is one of my favourite manga series of all time, and I have a review of it in the works, as a matter of fact.  It uses the characters of the title teacher's high-school class to illustrate and exploit a wide variety of personalities.  Among them is Taro "Maria" Sekiutsu, a refugee girl who illegally immigrated to Japan and bought her name and class register from a boy (!) who was selling literally everything he owned (and I'm really particular about using "literally" this year, so you know I mean it).  Her other schtick is that she doesn't have such a good grasp on the Japanese (English?) language, thus causing numerous puns.  Plus, she's just adorable!  Like, seriously: I've heard she could cause an international incident and get off scot-free because of her seeming innocence.  And then everything will be back to normal in the next chapter.  Yeah, it's that kind of series.

3) Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tiruvski IV
from Cowboy Bebop (TV, 2001)
Home: Unknown
Age: 13?

Okay, take everything I've said about Taro Maria Sekiutsu and boost it on steroids and LSD.  That should give you the girl who calls herself Edward Wong Hau Pepelu Tiruvski IV.  (Fun Fact: I hear she was supposed to be a boy, but it would've thrown the male:female ratio of the main cast off balance.)  Her role on the good ship Bebop is, of all things, a computer engineer, and a thumpin' good one at that.  I mean, just look at the operating system she cooked up for herself in "Jamming With Edward"!  Work aside, how can you resist watching somebody who ambulates in every method except walking, sings cheerful chants to herself, and of all people, she was the one who got everything back to normal during the ever-popular "Mushroom Samba" episode.  See you space cowboy... after the next two entries.

2) Alex
from Totally Spies! (TV, 2001-present)
Home: Los Angeles, California, USA
Age: 14-18

Some of us were watching girls' cartoons before the Bronies made it cool.  Then again, some of those shows had pretty girls to make it worthwhile, such as... pretty much every female in Totally Spies.  But none of them struck a chord with me quite like Alex.  Really, you couldn't go wrong with any of this show's leads, since they're equally capable of tackling each villain-of-the-week with unnecessarily-acrobatic fighting moves, all in bright and tight catsuits to boot.  But compare Alex to her friends and co-leads: I doubt I would gel with Clover's valley-girl mentality, and while Sam mixes brains and beauty, she doesn't stand out quite as well in my mind.  On the other hand, Alex's personality is somewhere in between, with interests in sports and other tomboyish pursuits thrown on top.  She even tries to resolve arguments between her friends from time to time.  Except for that one episode when she left the team...  Here's hoping the upcoming season 6 gives her more defining moments.

1) Nadia
from Nadia: The Secret of Blue Water (TV, 1990-1991 [Japan])
Home: Atlantis / Paris, France
Age: 14-15

Anyone remember the time I reviewed the Nadia anime?  Long story short, I came for the fanservice provided by its leading lady, and stayed for her personality.  I do wish she was written to be more of an action-girl type, a shortcoming made all the more frustrating by her circus performance in the first episode, but this becomes forgivable when you take the time to analyse her.  I'll bet Nadia's respect for human -- and animal -- life can tug at the heartstrings of everyone.  In fact, I've imagined her as a memetic goddess of peace, like how we made Chuck Norris a god of... everything else.  Bet you didn't expect that from someone who shows off her midriff and legs for the majority of her screen time!

Dance Dance Retrospective: The Competition

It has been said by Nintendo's Satoru Iwata that "[...] the history of entertainment is also the history of imitation", and this certainly rings true for the Dance Dance Revolution.  Considering how it and its Bemani brethren have all but crafted their own genre, it was inevitable that other companies would try and take a bite of Konami's apple.  Some of these even had lasting effects on the Bemani franchise, so it was also inevitable that I'd have to talk about it at some point.

One thing I should point out before we start is that a lot of these imitators, particularly during DDR's earlier days, originated from the Republic of (South) Korea.  They have an excuse:  For decades after World War II, the two Koreas banned Japanese products in response to what the former empire did during its earlier colonisation of the peninsula.  (Not their finest hour, I'm willing to admit.)  Of course, this included video game hardware and software (although some Nintendo and Sega products were re-branded and sold by South Korean companies).  South Korea's ban expired in 1998, but the damage was done: Personal computers, not consoles, stuck as the Koreans' platform of choice for playing computer games.  And, as we will see below, they saw themselves as having some free reign to adopt Japan-originating gaming concepts as their own.

Pump It Up! (1999-Present, Andamiro (South Korea), 18 games)
Pump It Up! (PIU), by Andamiro, is not only the most prolific of the games to copy Dance Dance Revolution, but is the most direct clone.  The game uses a dance pad of five panels arranged in an "X" shape, essentially, the inverse of DDR's controller.  The soundtrack has primarily composed of contemporary Korean pop licences and original songs by "Banya", their counterpart to Naoki Maeda of DDR.  But ever since the mid-2000s, once Andamiro noticed how their games were taking off in Central and South America, they started throwing Latino songs into the mix as well.  The end result is that there's virtually nothing recogniseable to North American ears, so you'll pretty much have to explore the tracklists blindly to find something you'll like.  But PIU also innovates in its own ways, like the nonstop megamixes, the quest modes (think Dance Master Mode from Extreme 2, but you can save your progress with a USB memory stick), and much harder high-level charts.  These advancements in difficulty have inadvertently (?) resulted in an uneven difficulty curve among the three difficulty levels (think Normal = Light, Hard = Standard, and Crazy = hard than Heavy).

Believe it or not, I have faint memories of playing one of the PIU games even before I heard of DDR.  (I bombed. ^.^;)  Since I discovered DDR, I have had a love-hate relationship with this series.  Initially I was opposed to it in a manner similar to how I regard Shrek to this very day - which is bad.  But after only a couple of years I got over myself, and recognised that both series have things they could learn from one another.  Andamiro could learn to licence more songs Americans would be familiar with (we're 300 million strong, don't count us out), smooth out the difficulty curve from the Hard to Crazy levels, and put some honest-to-blog trance songs in the mix.  And Konami could learn to get creative with their high-level charts, especially since jumps with 3 or more simultaneous arrows are commonplace in PIU yet unheard of in DDR, and start letting us use USB devices to save profiles instead of forcing their eAmuse system upon us (as covered here).

For the reasons I detailed at the beginning of this article, PIU has had much less success on the home console scene compared to DDR.  Only one console release was sold in either Korea or North America: Pump It Up Exceed (PlayStation 2 / XBox, 2005).  Apart from that, they also released PlayStation Portable versions of PIU Exceed and Zero within Korea, but bear in mind the PSP has no region restrictions, so if you're inticed enough, feel free to get importing.  The most recent game, Pump It Up: 2011 Fiesta EX was released worldwide in 2011.

EZ2Dancer (2000-2004, Amuseworld (South Korea), 5 games)
EZ2Dancer can best be described as a hybrid between Dance Dance Revolution and DanceManiaX (refresher).  The control setup utilises three floor panels to step on and two hand sensors to wave over.  The last game, EZ2Dancer Super China, was released in China in 2004.

TechnoMotion (2000, F2 Systems (South Korea), 2 games)
TechnoMotion branded itself as a fusion of Pump It Up and Dance Dance Revolution, in that it utilised the gameplay styles of both franchises.  The two dance pads each boasted nine panels, allowing for modes supporting four (DDR), five (PIU), or eight panels (all except the centre panel).  As awesome as it would be to play songs from both series on one machine, we were sadly not granted that luxury; the soundtrack was almost exclusively K-Pop licences.  The last game, TechnoMotion: The 2nd Dance Floor, was released worldwide in 2000.

In The Groove (2004-2005, Roxor (United States), 2 games)
In The Groove comes to us courtesy of Roxor Games, made up of programmers for StepMania, an open-source DDR clone for computers.  The control setup is identical to DDR's 4-panel layout, but so many more tricks: three- and four-panel jumps, Mines (pressing the panel will deal damage), and Rolls (like Freeze Arrows, but the panel must be tapped repeatedly).  Sadly, it was too similar to DDR for its own good; in 2006, Konami sued Roxor, and bought the rights as a settlement, preventing a third game and a home port of the second game from being produced.  But the news isn't all bad; the team members later jumped ship and developed the Pump It Up! Pro games, blending the music and concepts from both PIU and ITG.  The last game, In The Groove 2, was released worldwide in 2005.

Guitar Hero (2005-2010, Activision (United States), 11 games)
Don't laugh.  I'm lumping the Guitar Hero series in here not because it involves dancing - it doesn't - but because it represented a shift in music gamers' mentality.  In focusing on rock & roll music, Guitar Hero was, from what I've inferred, more in tune (no pun intended) to most Americans' taste in music, allowing it to take off in ways DDR could never hope to out of its native Japan.  And take off it did, a little too well in fact - with so many of its spinoffs and competitors crowding the market, on top of the traditional once-a-year installments, Activision put the series on an indefinite hiatus after 2010.  The last game, Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock was released worldwide in 2010.

Just Dance (2009-Present, Ubisoft (France), 15 games)
With Just Dance, dancing games have finally come back into vogue - but not as you remember them.  This new paradigm involves mimicking dance steps and poses with your whole body, either by using the Wii Remote, or with the PS3 or XBox 360 motion cameras.  As usual, many competitors have emerged, the most prominent being Dance Central and Konami's own Dance Masters, and even DDR tried to incorporate this kind of gameplay at some point (the Choreography Mode in DDR 2010).  The most recent game, Just Dance Wii 2, was released in Japan on 26 July 2012, with Just Dance: Disney Party currently in development.

But enough about these pretenders.  On the next episode of Dance Dance Retrospective, our main event is making its long-awaited return to the arcades!  But... does anybody care anymore?

N64 Month: Superman

NB: The entry I had originally planned to post next, a review of Fighter's Destiny, I accidentally deleted.  It will thus have to be re-done later, likely after the conclusion of N64 Month.  Having said that, I suppose now would be a good time to bring up a surprise I was planning for you anyway.  Allow me to present to you, my fellow readers...

Superman

• Publisher: Titus
• Developer: Titus
• Release: 29 May 1999
• Genre: Action
• Players: 1-2
• Save: Controller Pak/1 page
• Rarity/Cost: Common (US$5-10)

Yes, that's right: I'm going to review Superman for Nintendo 64, frequently cited as one of the worst, if not the worst, video games of all time.  What could the game have possibly done to warrant such widespread disapproval?  It's a long list, trust me, but when I was a kid renting this when it came out, I couldn't pick out a fraction of the problems I'm about to list at the end of this review.  In fact, I remember kinda liking it.  And I don't feel guilty about beating this horse again, since not even the Angry Video Game Nerd got past the first level in his review.  So how much of my memories is true and how much has been distorted by time, maturity, and antidepressants?

I'm sure you need no introduction to Superman, comic books' Man of Steel (and not in that phoney-baloney Josef Stalin kind of way) and defender of the city Metropolis.  He's got almost every superpower one could wish for without thinking too hard on the subject: flying, super strength, super speed, x-ray vision, you get the idea.  And, as you may also know, his only weakness is radiation from the mineral kryptonite.  Between the many different comic series, TV shows, and movies, the Superman franchise has gone through many iterations.  The universe presented in this game was based off of Superman: The Animated Series, the hit show which ran on TV prior to the game's release in 1999.  Apparently, villain Lex Luthor has trapped Superman and some of his friends in a virtual re-creation of Metropolis.  What could possibly go wrong?

If you don't of this game's most-publicised problem know by now, I'll stop beating around the bush: you have to fly through rings.  You have to fly through more rings than the Sonic equivalent of New Super Mario Bros. 2.  These rings are to Superman as falling into pits is to the Atari E.T. game: both unloved gimmicks in famously bad games.  But hear me out so I can explain how this works.  The levels in this game alternate between "Ride" stages, where Superman flies to different points in virtual Metropolis to perform miscellaneous heroic deeds, and action stages taking place within one location.  To get from place to place in the ride stages, you have to fly through a chain of rings.  In order to force you on track, skipping too far ahead means you have to start that particular passage over again.  However, at all times there's a safe zone of three rings ahead of the next one.  Should you miss any rings, you can take the time to go back and pass through the first one, or just go to the next ring in the buffer.  Taken on its own, it is an annoying, time-wasting, and unnecessary mechanic, I will admit.

The rings are easier if you slow down.

But get this: it gets even worse when you consider how bad the controls are.  The sensitivity of the Control Stick and the lazy camera make it hard to turn at high speeds.  And since the frame rate flucuates slightly, if it decides to run at optimal speed when you're about to make a turn, you'll have even less control.  But what most critics don't tell you is that there are a few ways to deal with this problem.  You'll have an easier time flying if you just let go of the accelerator (B) or even brake (R) every once in a while.  That's right: it's like Gran Turismo as a flying man.  What they also don't tell you is that if you switch the difficulty to the Easy setting, the rings are gone completely - you just follow the compass to your next destination.  While this does remove a major annoyance, the lack of challenge could make the game more boring, so pick your poison.  And even worse, unless you select the hard mode, the game ends before the final level!  Way to railroad us into using an unlikeable mechanic!  Colour me offended.

With all the attention gamers have given to the ride stages, they seem to forget there's more to the game than that.  Action stages occur after each ride stage, and have Superman do his thing within a certain location: a dam, a warehouse, the Lexcorp office building, etc.  Although the enemies are primarily just Black Shadows and drone bots, along the way you'll encounter villains from the comic/show, so if names like Mara, Brainiac, and of course Lex Luthor sound familiar, more power to ya.  In these levels, you have to complete a sequence of objectives , and you get to use a bunch of Superman's other powers to complete some of these goals.  Apart from your standard flight and strength, abilities like Heat Vision, Ice Breath, Super Speed, and the surprisingly useless "Reprogrammation" (The manual didn't even translate that name from French!) or mind-control are meter-limited and recharged by collecting tokens.  Keeping the source material in mind, you may cry foul at these limitations, but I'll personally accept that as a challenge, not that you use these powers much anyway.

Unfortunately, the objectives are so unintuitively placed that you'll be backtracking every which way to find them.  The fact that many of these levels are rather large, with many places that stand out, does not help matters, nor do the unspecific descriptions of your objectives. The third stage, the warehouse, is where the game starts to show its true colours. There are doorways placed all around the main room, but they’re blocked by lasers until you find the key or switch that turns one of them off. Like the one at the top of the back wall; since the room’s so dark and foggy, how would you know to look for it up there? And then there’s this: near the end, you rescue Lois Lane and escort her out of the building, when guess what -- she slows down as I have to go ahead and hunt down Black Shadows to protect her! But you can’t go too far or some more Black Shadows will gang up on her from nowhere! So now you have to wait for her to leisurely make her way across the room until she finally reaches the end, when guess what -- now she picks up the pace. Seriously? Were you pranking on me, Lois? Were you yanking my chain?  (But then again, it was awfully nice of Lex Luthor to not let Superman use the elevator until he read the note telling how to turn off the kryptonite generator in the next room.)  Having weighed both the ride and action stages on their own merits, I can't necessarily way which is worse, so again, pick your poison - or don't pick at all.

The objectives are unintuitive to find.

After having come back to this game after all these years, I can say without fear of contradicting myself that it is bad. In fact, it’s so bad that a port for the PlayStation was planned, only to get cancelled once the scathing reviews rolled in!  I know that feel. Whether or not this would’ve presented a chance to right some of its wrongs we’ll never know, but the fact remains that in the version we're stuck with, the character models are goofy-looking and poorly-animated, vision-limiting fog is prevalent everywhere despite the lack of graphical detail, nearly every gameplay mechanic makes little to no sense, the controls provide you with all the grace of a legless mammoth, your mission goals are unclearly described, the physics model is parsecs beyond unpolished, and it’s buggier than a night in Chincoteague. And that plot about Superman being trapped in a virtual world? It must have been a last-minute addition (it was brought on by the licence holders who didn't want any "real" violence), since it never gets resolved!  Even if you beat the game, Superman never gets out of the virtual world to bring the "real" Lex Luthor to justice!  Even if you win, you lose...  Hm, what a fitting metaphor for the game itself.

Having said all that, I still managed to gleam some occasional bouts of playability from this title, so I wouldn't call it a total loss.  After all, I still maintain that I've seen and even played worse games than this.  But if you think you can get as much fun as I did from playing Superman, you'll need much more luck than I.

Positives:
+ The flying stages are a little bit fun once you get used to them.
Negatives:
- Broken collision detection.
- Unclear objectives.
- Awkward model animation.
- Poorly-optimised graphics (fog despite the lack of graphical detail).

Graphics: 0 capes out of 5
Sound: 2 capes out of 5
Control: 0 capes out of 5
Design: 1 cape out of 5
The Call: 20% (F)

N64 Month: Mission Impossible

Mission: Impossible

• Publisher: Ocean (N64), Infogrames (PS1)
• Developer: Infogrames (N64), X-ample (PS1)
• Release: 
• Nintendo 64, 18 July 1998
• PlayStation, 23 November 1999
• Genre: Action
• Players: 1
• Save:
• Battery/4 files (N64)
• Password, Memory Card/1 block (PS1)
• Rarity/Cost:
• N64: Common (US$5-10)
• PS1: Common (US$5-20)

This article was updated on 19 August 2013.

The loss of many key franchises was a detriment to the success of the Nintendo 64.  One of them is Metal Gear, the "Tactical Espionage Action" series.  To be honest, the franchise had existed before and wasn't that much of a hit until Metal Gear Solid released as a PlayStation exclusive, but when it hit, it hit big.  I have played it later on, and it was such a wonderful experience that I feel sorry for all those N64 fanboys who refused to add to their interests (and still do so).  But, fortunately for them, we got the next best thing: Mission: Impossible.

The older readers of this blog would recognise Mission: Impossible as a TV series from the 60s and 80s, starring the recently-deceased Peter Graves as Jim Phelps, point man for the non-governmental agency IMF (Impossible Mission Force). Phelps would accomplish missions by assembling a team of specialists and tricking information out of their adversaries.  For this reason, Mission: Impossible was different from other spy-fiction TV shows of the '60s.  However, this game is based instead on the 1996 movie, a reboot directed by Brian de Palma of Scarface fame. The movie passes the protagonist mantle onto Ethan Hunt (Tom Cruise), who loses his team in an ill-fated mission and must work outside his agency in order to take revenge and save the world while at it. So far the four-entry series has a good critical reputation, with the exception of the John Woo-directed M:I 2.

This game's 20 missions are divided into five acts, and share numerous key scenes from the film, including the Russian embassy in Prague, the CIA headquarters, and the train from London to Paris.  The story is also the same.  The CIA has this thing called Non-Official Cover list, or NOC list, which lists all of their undercover agents in eastern Europe.  And wouldn’t you know it, half of the list got leaked onto the open market!  So the IMF organise a mission to steal it back from the Russian embassy. In addition, the movie-based content is bookended by original scenarios set in an arctic base and concerning the misadventures of Basil Prokosh, an ex-Soviet wannabe warlord.  So, like Goldeneye, it's not a 100% faithful adaptation, but the changes they did make only help the story from a gameplay perspective.

You have to follow objectives in a strict order.

While I likened this game to the N64's counterpart to Metal Gear Solid, it plays more like Goldeneye in a number of different respects.  There are two difficulty levels, here named "Possible" and "Impossible", and on the harder setting, not only are enemies stronger and equipment scarcer, but additional objectives must be completed. Each mission has a series of objectives that must be cleared, and in many cases, you must complete some objectives within a specific order before you can even attempt to clear others. It's painfully easy to forget a step or two, so learn to use your radar in order to find them. Green dots are people, red dots are items you can pick up, and white dots are places where you can use those items.  However, killing the wrong person or destroying the wrong object could prevent you from moving on, forcing you to restart.  If a guard sees you doing something suspicious, that's a Game Over.  If you kill the wrong person, that's a Game Over.  If you complete certain objectives out of order, that's a Game Over.  If you lose all your health, well... that goes without saying.

To its credit, Mission: Impossible is not lacking in differences of kind.  There are plenty of action-oriented scenes, but many missions focus on stealth, with painful -- if not game-ending -- consequences should you draw attention to yourself.  The levels set in the CIA headquarters, for example, sit on the farther end of this scale, so much so that you have to use non-lethal weapons like dart guns, stunners, and... fire extinguishers.  As for actual firearms, there's not much in terms of variety -- there’s a pistol, a suppressed pistol, an Uzi, and a rocket launcher which, surprise surprise, looks like another pistol.  Although you don’t have to worry about reloading; ammo for both lethal and non-lethal weapons is counted by the round, not by the magazine. Furthermore, ammo and health carry over between missions within the same act, unless you retry from the start menu, in which case they reset. On the other hand, there is a wide array of gadgets and other items which are used to complete objectives, although the one that gets the most use by far is the Facemaker, a mask of sorts which you use on certain people to borrow their identity.

Aiming with a pseudo-first-person view.
(To think you can't do this in MGS!)

A few other missions provide more innovative fare, such as controlling a sniper protecting a computer-controlled Ethan, or manning the turret on a getaway gunboat.  Other missions are almost completely non-violent in nature, such as the party at the Russian Embassy.  These play out like those old text-adventure games, in third-person 3D form.  In practise, these can grow boring once you’ve figured out what to do, since it’s always the same experience every time.  And of course, the world-famous computer terminal cable drop is playable.  It may be a short spark, but somehow it burns bright.

Unlike in Goldeneye and MGS, you are able to jump in this game, although the mechanics for doing so are rather stiff, like everything else about the controls.  On the other hand, I found it easier to pull of headshots (or maybe I'm just good).  The graphics quality (at least for the N64 version, see below) is sub-par.  Not only does the frame rate waver quite a bit - going really, really slowly at its worst), but most textures always seem grainy, as if there was a texture filter applied at all times. And I know how tough getting the rights to an actor's likeness can be, but agent Hunt in the game looks absolutely nothing like Tom Cruise!  Nor does he sound like Tom Cruise, either.  Oh, I forgot to mention; even though most of the dialogue is presented with captions and no voiceovers, there are a few odd spoken clips here and there.  Plus, some of the missions are kicked off with one of the franchise’s world-famous briefings.

Now, unlike the other entries for N64 Month I have written/planned, M:I received a port for the PlayStation a year after its initial release.  (I was thinking of including another multi-platform game, Vigilante 8, but have decided against doing so due to time constraints.  Some other time...)  Gameplay-wise, the two ports are identical, sharing the same plot and the same 20 levels.  The PS1 version's graphics are better in a number of ways, with higher-resolution textures and a more stable frame-rate, but then again most N64-to-PS1 ports are. Also, as opposed to text captions, all dialogue in-game is voiced, although like most examples at that time, the acting quality is cheesy at best and just lame at worst.  So it's more of a pick-your-poison decision: no voice acting or bad voice acting.  Or, you can always take a third option and not buy this game at all.  After all, there's a reason the IMF briefings say, "your mission, should you choose to accept it", amirite?

Positives:
+ Wide variety of missions.
Negatives:
- Strict trial-and-error gameplay.
- Somewhat stiff controls.
- Poor texture quality and frame rate in the Nintendo 64 version.
- Poor voice acting in the PlayStation version.


Control: 2 facemakers out of 5
Design: 3 facemakers out of 5
Graphics: 2 facemakers out of 5 (N64) / 3 facemakers out of 5 (PS1)
Audio: 3 facemakers out of 5 (N64) / 2 facemakers out of 5 (PS1)
The Call: 65% (C)