Sunday, July 10, 2011

Top 5 Worst Hit Songs of 2011 (So Far)

To kick off the recent 3-day Independence Day weekend, I tuned into a countdown ran by local Top 40 radio station Q102.  The premise of this countdown was rather shaky, if I may say: the top 50 songs of the year so far - since the countdown occured on 1 July, essentially the mid-point of the year.  What, is our culture moving so fast that we can't even wait to the end of the year to make a countdown like this?  Iiit's a disgrace.  Call me a hypocrite, but with so much trash crowding the Billboard and other charts, I can't wait to do something similar either.  Presenting... the Top 5 worst hit songs of 2011... so far.

#5: "Don't Wanna Go Home" by Jason Derülo

It is 2011 now, and I thought we got rid of this... this... Jason Derülo by now.  To put it mildly and non-racist, I never liked him.  His first single "Whatcha Say" was a disaster on every level, while "In My Head" was better until you looked at the lyrics, and this song is... somewhere in between. The backbeat is sampled from the 1993 house hit "Show Me Love" by Robin S., and the chorus melody was sampled from "Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)", something you may have heard as a little kid in some form or another.  To be honest, the samples here aren't as egregiously used as in... that other song he did, but the real issue lies with his over-dependence on Auto-Tune, which is 'tuned' up so strongly that it makes the song a little painful to listen to.  Further proof that for all our sakes, Jason Derülo should leave the music business and never, ever return.

#4: "On The Floor" by Jennifer Lopez & Pitbull
2011 is apparently a comeback year for Jennifer Lopez.  After her debut as a judge on American Idol, that bane of my existence, she plucked up the courage to record a new album, the punny-named JLOVE?.  The big single from that album is called "On the Floor" and features guest verses by Pitbull, and despite the fact that I liked his first few appearances, I have to say his stock is falling fast.  His world-famous references include "I'm like Inception, I play with your brain" (Couldn't we have chosen something less popular?  Heck, I'd accept a Portal reference instead?) and "now back it up like a Tonka truck" (Um, Tonka trucks are little toys; I doubt backing up one would make much of an impression).  Even taking Pitbull out of the equation, which some radio stations do, J-Lo has some questionable lines of her own.  I don't know about you, but when I start hearing the same words over and over again, like "on the floor" in this example, I can't help but think about it literally or something, and that just takes me out of it.  Also, not that you sheeple would know this, but they built this track around a sample from "Lambada" by Kaoma, the French band who pretended to be Brazilian, and that in turn was a sample from something else.  Again, at least that's not the worst thing about this song.

#3: "E.T." by Katy Perry & Kanye West
The #3 spot on this list is an interesting case.  It exists in two versions, one with guest verses by Kanye West (released as a single) and one without (on her album Teenage Dream).  Whereas her solo version conveys a sense of innocent curiosity regarding "falling in love with a foreigner", when you throw Kanye's verses in, it just comes across as raunchy.  For example, he makes a joke about... probing.  Even his first line is, "I've got a dirty mind"!  Yes, thank you for warning us.  Still, because of how much of a difference he makes, I'm going to have to do something radical: I'm giving the solo version 2 stars out of five 5 and Kanye West version of 1 out of 5.

2: "The Lazy Song" by Bruno Mars
Given that the this list so far, much like the 2010s pop music scene in macrocosm, is dominated by club bangers, it may come as a shock that the two worst songs are anything but.  First off is... ah screw it, I'm too lazy to describe this.  ...Either that or I'm trying to procrastinate from dealing with the undesireable #1 spot, so forget about it.  So yeah, whatever talent Bruno Mars has exhibited on his previous outings is completely squandered here.  Let's just say that in a song this mellow, we don't need to hear about him letting the contents of his underpants loose in some capacity once in every verse.  Seriously, when I heard the line "I'll just strut in my birthday suit/and let everything hang loose", that just took me out of it.  Also reviewed by ToddInTheShadows.

#1: "Friday" by Rebecca Black
It seems we have all forgotten about this nightmare, and Sabrina be praised, I'm glad for it.  For those who are unaware of the time I reviewed it, I more or less said this song was 110 percent devoid of talent, and I stand by that.  And I'm not completely mad at the singer, despite the fact that she had her parents pay for her fifteen minutes of fame.  On the contrary, I sincerely admire how well she took all the negative criticism of what is ostensibly her creation.  The truth is that this is not technically her creation.  No, the brunt of my ire is directed at Patrice Wilson, the song's co-writer and the founder of Ark Music Factory, the vanity label which produced this and other tracks.  He knew what he was writing was insipid, or at least he thought it was catchy, and had the gall to claim that those of us who claim to hate it really like it on the inside.  Well Pato, you didn't count on critics like me, who took the time to analyze your bizarro-magnum opus and learned what makes it tick - and suck.  So, no.  I genuinely hate "Friday".  Hump yourself and die.  ...Or at least get a new job.

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