Film Review: The Man with the Golden Gun

The Man with the Golden Gun

• Publisher: United Artists
• Studio: Danjaq / EON Productions
• Release: 20 December 1974
• Genre: Action
• Director: Guy Hamilton
• Producers: Albert R. Broccoli, Harry Saltzman
• Writers: Richard Maibaum, Tom Mankiewicz

The Girls: Mary Goodnight (Britt Ekland). One of the worst leading-role Bond Girls, for reasons such as her habit of accidentally making life difficult for 007. In her first scene, she comes in by blocking a taxi with Bond in it, while he's trying to tail another car. Her low point has to be near the end, when she leans back on a console and her bum pushes the switch to turn on the solar collector - with Bond inside it. And she has no idea how to turn it off - ya think she could've felt the switch pushing against her skin and tried flipping it back!? 1 out of 5.

Andrea Anders (Maud Adams), Scaramanga's mistress, is a much more sympathetic character, seeing as how she wants out of her relationship and is willing to betray him of her own accord. Shame she gets shot by Scaramanga for her efforts. 5 out of 5.

Other Allies: Lieutenant Hip (Soon-Tek Oh). Bond's contact in Hong Kong, not given much to do.

J.W. Pepper (Clifton James). Hoo boy, if you hated him in Live and Let Die, you'll hate him ten times more this time around. Annyoing, crass, and foul-mouthed (relatively speaking, for a PG-rated Bond film), you'll be thankful for the elephant who pushes him in the river in one scene. 1 out of 5.

The Villain: Francisco Scaramanga (Christopher Lee). A freelance assassin who uses the titular Golden Gun and charges US$1 million for each hit. Now this is a quality performance: think Bond, but with his own warped set of morals. Fun Fact: Christopher Lee was Ian Fleming's cousin. Shot by Bond during their duel. 5 out of 5.

Other Henchmen: Nick Nack (Herve Villechaize). Scaramga's servant. To Goldeneye 007 fans: he's the midget in the Bond universe, not Oddjob. But, why did he have to be a midget in the first place?  Because... funny?  Hung out to dry by Bond, presumably left alive. 3 out of 5.

The Gadgets: Bond doesn't use much of his own gadgets, apart from a fake third nipple to pass as Scaramanga. On the other hand, Scaramanga steals the show with the eponymous Golden Gun, assembled from a pen, lighter, and cigarette case. And he owns a car with an airplane attachment. And he had a laser gun installed in his home. Awesome! Evil, but awesome. 5 out of 5.

The Locations: Lebanon, Macau, Hong Kong, and Thailand. Fun Fact: The island from the final act, filmed at Khao Phing Kan off the western coast of Thailand, garnered enough fame from its use to take on the nickname "James Bond Island".

The Theme Song: Performed by Lulu. Another crunchy, classic-rock joint, but prone to moments of camp, like the movie itself, and not as memorable as the one from the previous film. Fun Fact: Alice Cooper recorded his own theme song for the film, which he claims was to be used at one point. It ended up on his album Muscle of Love. 2 out of 5.

The Opening Credits: While also a little boring, this is the first opening credits scene I can think of that used shots of nude women in full light (as opposed to silhouettes), strategically covered by things like rippling water, lotus pads, or the Golden Gun itself. Funny where you can find innovation these days. 3 out of 5.

The Novel: The book sharing this film's name was published in 1965, months after Ian Fleming's death. Continuing the plotline from You Only Live Twice, it shows promise: After suffering amnesia and being re-programmed by the Soviets, 007 re-joins MI6 only to attempt an assassination on M - and fail. He is then given a low-key assignment in order to prove his loyalty - investigate Francisco Scaramanga, this time an uncouth American gangster with a simple golden revolver. The plot from this point on is considerably weaker than the film's, concerning a real-estate deal between gangsters and KGB agents. Maibaum and Mankiewicz were right to give it an overhaul for the silver screen - and it wouldn't be the last time, either.

The Plot: The film starts by establishing the character of Francisco Scaramanga, living well on his island off the coast of China, and holding a duel with an anonymous gangster -- which he wins. Cue opening credits. At MI6, the delivery of one of Scaramanga's golden bullets -- with 007's number on it -- convinces M to take Bond off his current assigmnent, lest he take a golden bullet of his own. Recalling another 00 agent to befall that fate, Bond travels to Beirut and takes a clue - the bullet that killed him - from the property of a belly dancer. With Q's help, he traces the bullet to its Macau-based manufacturer, Lazar. Lazar confesses that he has another shipment of bullets ready, so Bond tracks the delivery to a Miss Anders, Scaramanga's mistress. Interrogating her, she informs him of Scaramanga's plans for that night.

These plans involve a meeting with a Mr. Gibson, the subject of 007's previous assignment, at the Bottoms Up topless bar. As Gibson walks out, he is shot by Scaramanga, and Bond, waiting outside, is detained by the police. While being ferried around Hong Kong Harbour, he makes a break for it and finds himself at MI6's base in the half-sunken Queen Elizabeth ship. There, M berates 007 for failing to retrieve Gibson's project -- the Solex Agitator, a device used to convert sunlight into electricity -- but 007 brings up another lead: Hai Fat, an industrialist, may have hired Scaramanga to kill Gibson. Thus, Bond heads to Hai Fat's estate near Bangkok, posing as Scaramanga, and makes a suggestion to put out another hit on 007, to draw out the real Scaramanga. Bond is invited back to the villa for dinner, but is instead knocked out by Nick Nack and finds himself next in a martial arts school.

After getting pulled in for a few sparring matches, Bond makes a break for it and escapes via a motorboat chase. Meanwhile, Scaramanga takes over Hai Fat's position... the hard way. That night, Miss Anders makes a visit to Bond's hotel room and makes him a deal: she will sneak him the Solex in exchange for killing Scaramanga. He meets her at a kickboxing match the next day, only to find her dead. Bond manages to sneak the Solex over to Goodnight, but she gets locked in the trunk of Scaramanga's car. A car chase ensues, ending with Scaramanga putting a plane attachment on his car and flying off. 007 follows the signal from Goodnight's homer to Scaramanga's home, on an island in the South China Sea. Scaramanga is on hand to provide him with a tour of his new solar power plant, and together they discuss his plan to gain a monopoly on the solar energy market.

After exchanging pleasantries over lunch, the two hold a duel. Scaramanga disappears into his funhouse maze, with Bond in pursuit. Inevitably, 007 gains the upper hand. Meanwhile, Goodnight manages to knock out her captor... by dropping him into a vat of liquid helium. Before this distruption can cause a chain reaction, destroying the plant, the two race to steal back the Solex and flee the island. Their R&R is interrupted by Nick Nack, but Bond leaves him out to dry. You are now free to turn off your TV.

I'm tempted to put The Man with the Golden Gun on record as the worst James Bond film, or at least, the James Bond film I hate the most. So many elements go wrong, from lame characters like Goodnight and the returning J.W. Pepper, to the corkscrew car jump -- the slide-whistle sound effect they put in for some odd reason makes it a Crowning Moment of Awesome and a Dethroning Moment of Suck at the same time. (P.S. Hope you like TVTropes lingo.) If there's anything that saves this movie, it's the presence of Christopher Lee as Scaramanga. As for the plot, the two components (Gibson and the Solex, and hunting down Scaramanga) seem incongruous, and could've been better-served by each being the focus of separate films, but you'd be surprised how they make it work. 3 out of 5.

The Call: 45% (D-)

IchigoRyu will return in
The Spy Who Loved Me

Film Review: Live And Let Die

Live And Let Die

• Publisher: United Artists
• Studio: Danjaq / EON Productions
• Release: 27 June 1973
• Genre: Action
• Director: Guy Hamilton
• Producers: Albert R. Broccoli, Harry Saltzman
• Writer: Tom Mankiewicz

The Bond: Roger Moore, previously of the TV series The Saint. Two things that define this portrayal of Bond are 1) his encyclopedic knowledge, useful for giving extra exposition at a moment's notice, and 2) his tendency for scumbag actions.  Not the most endearing character traits.  3 out of 5.

The Girl: Solitaire (Jane Seymour), Dr. Kananga's private fortune-teller. Unusally for the reality-based 007 franchise, Solitaire's tarot-reading powers appear to be real until Bond beds her and she loses them. This may seem to many as a chauvinistic jerk move on Bond's part, but who knows, maybe Kananga was a lousy boss or even a lousy lover. 3 out of 5.

Other Allies: Felix Leiter (David Hedison), a CIA agent making his 5th appearance in the Bond films. 3 out of 5.

Harold Strutter (Lon Satton), an African-American CIA agent. Missing, presumed dead. 2 out of 5.

Rosie Carter (Gloria Hendry), another CIA agent really a double-agent for Kananga. Killed by Kananga to silence her. 4 out of 5.

Quarrel Junior (Roy Stewart), an identical son of Quarrel from Dr. No.  Despite the audience never having been introduced to him before, he's apparently really tight with Bond.  There's a reason for this, which I'll explain in the Novel section.  2 out of 5

The Villain: Dr. Kananga (Yaphet Kotto), prime minister of the Carribean nation of San Monique. Mr. Big, African-American crime boss, is really Kananga in disguise. A wonderful concept, and the man's got a wonderful plan, but it's a shame Mr. Big didn't get much of a chance to establish his character as opposed to Kananga.  Blown up with a compressed-air bullet by Bond.  5 out of 5.


Other Henchmen: Baron Samedi (Geoffrey Holder), supposed Voodoo god of death who always comes back after being "killed", but not nearly given enough to do given his potential. Trapped in a coffin full of snakes by Bond, but apparently survives.  4 out of 5.

Tee-Hee Johnson (Julius Harris), Mr. Big's henchman with a metal pincer for an arm. One of the more personable and enjoyable henchmen.  Thrown out of a train by Bond.  5 out of 5.

Sherrif J.W. Pepper (Clifton James), a Louisiana sheriff chasing after Bond and Big's men alike for traffic violations. 1 out of 5.

The Gadgets: A wristwatch with a magnet and a buzz-saw. Q is absent in this film, so Bond instead describes the magnet function of the watch to M. Yet he leaves out any mention of the buzz-saw which, out of nowhere, is used in the finale. Still, they did one thing I liked: at the alligator farm, Bond tries to use the watch to attract a metal canoe, but it's tethered, forcing him to escape another way. 2 out of 5.

The Locations: The United States (New York, Louisiana), and San Monique, a fictional island nation in the Caribbean (filmed in Jamaica). There's also a scene in Bond's home at the beginning. As for the use of New Orleans, I have to give the writers a tip of the hat for not involving Mardi Gras.

The Theme Song: Performed by Paul McCartney and Wings. Remember in Goldfinger when Bond said that drinking warm wine was "as bad as listening to the Beatles without earmuffs"? I bet he felt a little silly after this movie came out. Especially given that, with this being the first rock-genre Bond theme, it's got some decent bite. Fun Fact: George Martin, the Beatles' producer, composed the music for this movie. Second Fun Fact: He also produced Shirley Bassey's theme from Goldfinger. 5 out of 5.

The Opening Credits: Motifs include fire, skulls, and a whole bunch of black women. Visually unimpressive, maybe, but a cohesive theme that fits the film's subject matter. 3 out of 5.

The Novel: Live and Let Die shares its name with Ian Fleming's second James Bond novel, published in 1954. Solitaire is featured in a similar form and function, but Kananga does not exist, whist Mr. Big, the sole villain, is an agent of the Soviet SMERSH, selling pirate-era gold to finance his operations. Also, the final act takes place in the real Jamaica instead of a fictional island. This book marks the first appearance of Quarrel, Bond's Caribbean contact. Quarrel was killed off in Dr. No, which was made into a movie before LLD, so what did they do? Replace him with the identical Quarrel Junior. ...Should've thought of that ahead of time, guys. Fun fact: some scenes were used for later films, like For Your Eyes Only and Licence to Kill.

The Plot: The film starts with the murder of three British agents: one at the United Nations in New York City, one in New Orleans, and one in the island nation of San Monique. Cue opening credits. M drops by Bond's London flat to inform him of the situation, and dispatch him to New York. On the taxi ride out of the airport, Bond survives an assassination attempt by a passing pimpmobile. With Leiter's help, Bond traces the car to a restaurant in Harlem, the Fillet of Soul, where he gets tricked into meeting Mr. Big and tarot reader Solitaire. Mr. Big dismisses Bond and has some of his men kill him, but Bond overpowers them and is picked up by CIA agent Harold Strutter.

Bond then travels to San Monique to investigate Kananga, the island's prime minister. In his hotel room he meets Rosie Carter, who claims to be another CIA agent. On their way to Kananga's home, Bond deduces her to be a double agent and tries to make her talk, but she is silenced by Kananga's security system before leaking any info. Bond makes a second journey up to meet Solitaire and tricks her into sleeping with him. This causes Soltaire to lose her fortune-telling powers, but she agrees to work with Bond. In the morning they venture deeper into the island, discover some camouflaged poppy fields, and flee the place.

They end up in New Orleans, where Solitaire is retaken and Bond faces a skydiving session -- the hard way! -- but he gets away and reunites with Leiter. Together they investigate another Fillet of Soul restaurant in the French Quarter. Once again, a trapdoor leads Bond into the hands of Mr. Big, who reveals himself as Kananga in disguise, and together they work out his plan: Manufacture heroin from the poppy plantation Bond discovered, distribute it for free, drive out the competition, and extort his customers with a monopoly on drugs. He then gives Solitaire a test to see if her powers are still active; she appears to pass, and Bond is freed, only to be knocked out and drug off by Tee-Hee. It turns out she really did lose her powers, and is to be executed for the infraction she and Bond committed.

Meanwhile, Bond is taken to an alligator farm-stroke-heroin processing plant. Left stranded for the alligators, Bond escapes, disables the plant, and leaves via motorboat. A boat chase ensues. Once that's over with, Bond heads back to San Monique, blowing up the poppy fields, rescuing Solitaire, and dueling Baron Samedi. They end up in Kananga's underground base, where he ties them up as shark bait. Bond frees them and kills Kananga by force-feeding him a compressed-air bullet. With all said and done, Bond and Solitare take a train ride together, fending off one final assault by Tee-Hee. You are now free to turn off your TV.

One pattern we will be noticing with James Bond in the 1970s is that these films tended to latch onto a certain trend. In the case of Live and Let Die, that would be the blaxploitation genre. Despite the obvious cross-marketing and the tendencies toward slapstick gimmicks, it's nice to know that Live and Let Die has a decent plot holding it all up. It's a shame the next film could not maintain that same balance of style and substance. 5 out of 5.

The Call: 70% (C+)

IchigoRyu will return in
The Man With The Golden Gun

Top 10: Worst Pitbull Lyrics

Enter Armando Christian Perez, the Miami-born Cuban-American who in 2004 became known as the rapper Pitbull.  I used to have a slight interest in his early works for some reason.  Maybe it was the way he complemented acts like the Ying-Yang Twins and Lil' Jon, or maybe it was he was hovering just below the mainstream.  (That's right: I'm a hipster.)  As the turn of the decade came and went, Pit's star kept rising, culminating in his first number 1 hit, "Give Me Everything".  ...And it sucked.  By this time, I had taken notice of three personal touches of his: gratuitous Spanish, references to other (better) rap songs, and laughing at his own punchlines.  Seriously dude, quit it, you're not Jimmy Fallon.  In retrospect, I can see that Pitbull has always sucked... but some moments stand out worse than others.  They are:

10) "Spring Break" w/ Jump Smokers (2012)
"Don't you know some of the best entrepreneurs... are dropouts"

On its own, this introductory line doesn't sound so awful.  It's true that some of our best and brightest billionaires aborted their college careers, like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, and presumably Kanye West.  But this song is about having a drunk party during Spring Break; I very much doubt that the boys from Jump Smokers, a poor man's 3OH!3, whom Pit's hanging out with have a sound business plan to fall back on.

9) "We Run The Night" w/ Havana Brown (2012)
"As my money gets older, let's get younger
They sell their soul but the Devil knows I have no number"

The way I see it, "older" money (meaning greater in number) plus "younger" people (meaning lesser in maturity) equals a fiscal disaster.  Have fun with that.  Also, it's funny you say you wouldn't sell your soul for anything... just hang onto that idea.

8) "DJ Got Us Fallin' In Love" w/ Usher (2010)
"Yabba-dabba-doo, make her bed rock"

OMG, he just used the Forbidden Pick-up Line!  No, it's not forbidden as in it's so potent that it could have disastrous side effects for its user, although if one were to count STDs then that could be true.  Actually, it's forbidden because referencing The Flintstones in some capacity, followed by the promise that you can "make her bed rock" with mind-meltingly good sex is just so lame!

7) "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)" (2009)
"Label flop but Pit won't stop
Got her in the cockpit playin' with his (como?)
Now watch him make a movie like Alfred Hitchcock"

Two things wrong here: first, you seem to have cut out a word at the end of one of those lines... except there's no version of the song that leaves it in.  Now, you can probably guess what word was supposed to go there, and if I'm right, then he would've rhymed it with itself in the next line, so forget about it.  Which brings me to my next point: Alfred Hitchcock did not, despite his name, direct pornography films.  (And no, that one line from "Bad Romance" does not count.)  Good thing, too, or else I'd never look at Psycho or Rear Window the same way again.

6) "I Like It" w/ Enrique Iglesias (2010)
"Tiger Woods times Jesse James equals Pitbull all night long"

For those who don't remember 2009 or early 2010, Tiger Woods and Jesse James, ex-husband of Sandra Bullock, were both caught cheating on their wives.  Ya know, I have no idea why rappers these days boast about their ability to make members of the opposite sex tack on a third wheel to their relationships.  To me, all it does is make them look like scumbags.

5)"Give Me Everything" w/ Ne-Yo, Nayer, & Afrojack (2011)
"Me not working hard?  Yeah, right, picture that with a Kodak
And better yet, go to times square, take a picture of me with a Kodak"

And here's where entry #9 pays off.  If you couldn't tell by this line, Pitbull's gone loco with product placement in recent days, with endorsed products including Kodak, Dr. Pepper, and Voli vodka.  And yet, Kodak declared bankruptcy in February 2012.  Serves ya right for trying to rhyme their name with itself, pally!

4) "Give Me Everything" w/ Ne-Yo, Nayer, & Afrojack (2011)
"I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan"

By this line, I assume you're talking about Lohan's February 2011 theft arrest.  The funny thing about that is, she served that time under house arrest because her scheduled jail was overcrowded.  Also, Lohan herself sued Pitbull (a case she lost) for use of her name without compensation, and for defamation of character.  And to that I say... what character?

3) "I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho)" (2009)
"Mami got an ass like a donkey with a monkey, look like King Kong"

That was a free-association train wreck right there.  Okay, so free-association in and of itself is not a bad thing, but taking any one of these images on its own is not pretty.  Actually, I'd gladly take this over the next line which starts out the same...

2) "Boomerang" w/ DJ Felli Fel, Akon, & Jermaine Dupri (2011)
"Mommy got a boom bang bing bang ding dang
No digga dee, no doubt, Imma hit that"

How can one say so much and not say anything at all?  You know what Pit sounds like here?  He sounds like a sexually-awakened seven-year-old who just saw his first slice of booty.  ...Pray you never witness that image in real life.

Our final line comes from a guest verse on T-Pain's "It's Not You (It's Me)".  Now, this song has the potential to deconstruct the "in da club" mentality every mainstream rapper these days seems to have.  See, T-Pain's still willfully doing his thing, but he's conscious of the fact that it could preclude him from maintaining a monogamous relationship.  It was so thought-provoking, in fact, that I almost did a review on the song, but couldn't quite build up enough material for the concept.  It does have one other moment I still wish to pour my heart out over, however...

1) "It's Not You (It's Me)" w/ T-Pain (2011)
"More Voli, pour it like water
Fo sho, flood the club like New Orleans"

...

Really?  A Hurricane Katrina reference!?  People died from Katrina, you know.  Billions of dollars' worth of property was damaged, and President Bush suffered (yet another) blow to his reputation from which he would never recover.  And you think it's okay to joke about that!?  That's it, I condemn every rapper who's ever referred to Hurricane Katrina within the context of simple materialism to have their mansions broken into by angry mobs.  That includes Pitbull, Yung Joc, and... those are the only ones that've been so far.

So in conclusion, what do I think of Pitbull?  As the man himself says in "Back In Time", "I don't really give a number twooo~o!"  And neither should you.

Film Review: Diamonds Are Forever

Diamonds Are Forever

• Publisher: United Artists
• Production Studio: Danjaq / EON Productions
• Release: 17 December 1971 (USA), 30 December 1971 (UK)
• Genre: Action
• Director: Guy Hamilton
• Producers: Albert R. Broccoli, Harry Saltzman
• Writer: Richard Maibaum

The Bond: Sean Connery returns for a one-off encore. George Lazenby dropped out after one performance, and in the chaos that ensued, United Artists paid Connery a record UK£1.25 million (UK£20 million / US$32 million in 2012 currency). The result is a performance that's duller than his older work, although it does fit the feel of the detective-style story that the first two-thirds of this movie is. Fun Fact: Much of this money went to form the Scottish International Education Trust. 2 out of 5.

The Girl: Tiffany Case (Jill St. John), diamond smuggler. A feisty type, and I'd like her more but for how she mucks things up every once in a while. Still, she doesn't know any better, and at least she's not as useless as Mary Goodnight, whom we'll see in a few films' time... Fun Fact: She was the first American Bond Girl. 4 out of 5.

On the other hand, we also have gold-digger Plenty O'Toole (Lana Wood), who is by my call the worst Bond Girl ever. Drowned in a pool. 1 out of 5.

Other Allies: Felix Leiter (Norman Burton) the CIA agent in his fourth appearance.

Willard Whyte (Jimmy Dean), an aerospace entrepreneur, held under house arrest by Blofeld.  Blofeld then assumes Whyte's identity and pretends to lock himself in his hotel's penthouse, a plot point inspired by the antics of Howard Hughes, while using the Whyte industrial empire as cover to build and launch his doomsday weapon.  Rescued by Bond and the CIA. 3 out of 5.

The Villain: Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Charles Gray) -- now with hair! -- the head of SPECTRE. Fun Fact: Charles Gray, previously Mr. Henderson in You Only Live Twice, starts a long-standing Bond tradition of actors who play characters who are killed off, only to be re-cast in another film. His escape ship is crashed into a building by Bond, but he kinda, sorta survives.  4 out of 5.

Other Henchmen: Mr. Wint (Bruce Glover) and Mr. Kidd (Putter Smith), a pair of ambiguously gay assassins, prone to finishing each others' one-liners. Lame, but somehow enjoyable.  One is lit on fire and thrown off a boat, and the other is blown up, both by Bond.  3 out of 5.

Bert Saxby (Bruce Cabot), Whyte's right-hand man who's been duped into working for Blofeld. Is not given a lot to do and leaves no impression.  Shot by Bond and the CIA.  1 out of 5.

The Gadgets: 007 uses fingerprints to pass as Peter Franks, and a grappling hook system stored in his cummerbun to climb up to the roof of the Whyte House. Blofeld uses a voice-modifier system to speak as Willard Whyte over the phone; with the CIA's help, Bond does the same to pose as Bert Saxby.  Low-key, but effective.  In a throwaway scene, Q also uses a miniature magnetic device to rig a bunch of slot machines and win big.  3 out of 5.

The Locations: Most of the movie takes place in England, the Netherlands,  United States (Nevada), and Mexico (Baja California). A montage in the pre-credits sequence features Japan, Egypt, and other locations, all of which were likely shot on soundstages.  Fun Fact: The Whyte House hotel featured in the film is actually the Las Vegas Hilton, currently known as the Westgate, with a penthouse added on top via matte-painting for long shots.  Second Fun Fact: The Circus Circus hotel also makes an appearance as a setting; the owner was a big James Bond fan and requested its inclusion.

The Theme Song: Performed by Shirley Bassey. Quite funky and, considering the Fun Fact that she was told to perform as if she was singing about a... "disco stick", quite seductive. No wonder it was sampled by Kanye West for "Diamonds From Sierra Leone". 4 out of 5.

The Opening Credits: Motifs include diamonds (natch) and low-light shots of women. Rather boring. 2 out of 5.

The Novel: The film and novel share some of the general structure and theme of diamond smuggling, but differ for the most part. The satellite laser plot is gone from the book, and Blofeld is replaced by Jack and Seraffimo Spang of the Spangled Mob as the villain. Instead of the Netherlands, the first act takes place in Saratoga Springs, New York, where Bond and Leiter investigate horse-race fixing and first discover Kidd and Wint.

The Plot: The movie starts with Bond on a worldwide revenge quest, seeking out Blofeld for, presumably, having his wife killed in the last movie. He meets up with him in a plastic surgery clinic, where another man is having work done to match Blofeld's appearance (now with hair!). Bond kills him and the real Blofeld. Cue opening credits. Back in England, Bond receives a briefing on a rash of diamond smuggling in South Africa, and is dispatched to Amsterdam to impersonate a smuggler, Peter Franks. There, he meets Franks' accomplice, Tiffany Case, and takes the diamonds, but not before the real Peter Franks shows up and is killed by Bond.

The three of them fly to the United States, and meet up with Felix Leiter, to whom Bond informs that the diamonds are hidden in Franks' corpse. Bond takes the body to a funeral home, where the diamonds are taken out and Bond is paid in $50,000... and a live cremation, courtesy of assassins Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint. But he is saved by a mister Shady Tree, because the diamonds in Franks' corpse were fake (switched out and planted by the CIA). In Las Vegas, Bond calls up Leiter to bring the real diamonds, and hangs out in the Whyte House casino, meeting a miss Plenty O'Toole. He spends the night with her and Case, working out a plan to hand over the real diamonds.

Monitored by Bond, Leiter, and the CIA, Case picks up the diamonds in the Circus Circus casino, but loses her tail and takes the diamonds for her own boss. Catching up with her at her house, they find Plenty dead in the pool, which inspires Case to cooperate. With her help, Bond tracks the diamonds to an aerospace lab. He sees them being used in a laser-equipped satellite, but blows his cover and outruns the lab's guards and, later, the Las Vegas Police. That night, Bond climbs up the Whyte House hotel and breaks into Willard Whyte's penthouse only to discover... Blofeld. With another double, in fact. Bond kills the wrong Blofeld, and is gassed on his way out.

Waking up in the desert, Bond gets back and calls Blofeld under disguise, learning the whereabouts of the real Willard Whyte. Bond, Leiter, and Whyte try to track down the satellite, but it's already in orbit, being used to destroy American, Soviet, and Chinese nuclear targets, with Washington DC next on the menu, pending a ransom. Bond and Whyte deduce Blofeld to be operating off an oil rig, and Bond is dropped in to sabotage the operation. With all said and done, his plan to switch the satellite's control tapes is accidentally foiled by Case, but Leiter is on hand to lead an air support squad. Bond foils the plan by crashing Blofeld's escape sub into the control building. Bond and Tiffany return to the UK on a cruise, fending off Kidd and Wint along the way. You are now free to turn off your TV.

There is great potential in the first two-thirds of this plot, I'll tell you that. The way Bond follows the smuggler's pipeline, going from one lead to another and outsmarting his opposition wherever possible, would serve well for a more hard-edged detective story, a la the original novel. And when Bond and Case unwittingly serve the purposes of the villain, they take responsibility and scramble to fix things. But then the laser satellite comes along and, while it's not a bad idea per se, it doesn't fit with the image the rest of the film set up. Or is it just me... At any rate, the campier elements of this film foretell of dark times ahead for the franchise, especially with the SPECTRE saga drawn to a close. Maybe switching out Bond's actor yet again will spice things up...? 3 out of 5.

The Call: 60% (C-)

IchigoRyu will return in
Live And Let Die

Film Review: On Her Majesty's Secret Service

On Her Majesty's Secret Service

• Publisher: United Artists
• Studio: Danjaq / EON Productions
• Release: 18 December 1969
• Genre: Action, Romance
• Director: Peter R. Hunt
• Producers: Albert R. Broccoli, Harry Saltzman
• Writer: Richard Maibaum

The Bond: George Lazenby. An unknown actor and model from Australia. (Fun Fact: He's the only Bond actor, to date, not from the British Isles.) While Lazenby handles the emotional turns required by the script quite well, he lacks assertiveness in many of his other scenes, and there are a few moments where his world-famous one-liners were obviously -- and poorly -- dubbed in post. All things considered, I would have to call Lazenby my least-favourite Bond actor, but I can't say I hate him as an actor. 3 out of 5.

The Girl: Countess Teresa "Tracy" di Vicenzo (Diana Rigg, The Avengers). Daughter of mob leader Marc-Ange Draco. One of my favourite Bond girls, I really appreciate her personality strength and assertiveness, evident in her self-destructive tendencies early on. Marries James Bond, only to be shot and killed by Irma Bunt. 5 out of 5.

Other Allies: Marc-Ange Draco (Gabrielle Ferzetti), leader of a Corsican mafia. Wants Bond to marry his daughter Tracy in order to knock some sense into her after her suicide attempts. His desires to desires to keep her daughter under control might, out of context, appear uncomfortable to viewers from a younger generation. 3 out of 5.

Shaun Campbell (Bernard Horsfall), Bond's accomplice in Switzerland, doesn't do much before he is captured and killed offscreen by Blofeld. He does have a scene, which is more poignant in the book, where he is captured and brought to Bond, who must deny knowledge of his partner to keep his own cover. 2 out of 5.

The Villain: Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Telly Salavas, from Kojak). The change to Telly Salavas results in a villain with more of a presence. Survives, despite Bond's best efforts. 5 out of 5.

Other Henchmen: Irma Bunt (Ilse Steppat), Blofeld's wife. Not much to say about her except for a rather unfortunate tangent down in the Novel section. 3 out of 5.

The Locations: Portugal, England, and Switzerland.  Fin Fact: In real life, Blofeld's mountain base is a revolving restaurant named Piz Gloria, and is located atop the Schilthorn mountain in central Switzerland.

The Gadgets: Not much to speak of. In the lawyer's office, Bond uses a clunky, huge safecracker-plus-document copier, which stands out compared to other, svelter safecrackers used in You Only Live Twice and Moonraker. 1 out of 5.

The Theme Song: The third instrumental Bond theme, this time composed by John Barry. There's also a second, unofficial theme, "We Have All The Time In The World" by Louis Armstrong, which plays during Bond and Tracy's dating montage. 5 out of 5.

The Opening Credits: The motifs include clocks, hourglasses, and footage from the previous Bond films. Interesting concept -- it ties into the aforementioned Armstrong song -- but the poor production values take me out of it. 3 out of 5.

The Novel: This outing was, once again, a faithful transition from print to screen. One point of note was that the book of OHMSS was followed by You Only Live Twice, where Bond avenges Tracy's death by killing Blofeld as well as his wife. However, this didn't happen in the movies because Irma Bunt's actress, Ilse Steppat, died days after the premiere of the OHMSS movie. Why she couldn't have been replaced is suspicious, considering the fact that this was after the movie where both the protagonist and antagonist had their actors replaced. But, as it stands, this is one unfortunate truth Bond fans have had to live with.

The Plot: Our movie starts on a beach in Portugal, where Bond rescues a woman, Tracy di Vicenzo, from drowning herself in the ocean, and fights off some random attackers before she drives off. Cue opening credits. Bond follows her to a casino, where she plays baccarat without the money to pay her bets, only to have him bail her out, and they spend the night together. The next day, Bond checks out with an armed escort which takes him to meet her father, mob boss Marc-Ange Draco. He makes a deal: he'll pay Bond £1 million if he marries his daughter, but Bond re-negotiates the offer for some intel on Blofeld. Back at MI6, Bond announces to M his intention to resign from Her Majesty's Secret Service, but M meets him halfway and gives him two weeks' leave.

Bond embarks on a dating montage with Tracy, then swings by a lawyer's office in Bern to nab some documents relating to Blofeld. Turns out he's investigating his claim as Count Balthazar de Bleuchamp, so Bond impersonates a genealogist and visits his supposed allergy clinic on top of a mountain in Switzerland. His time is spent investigating Blofeld's family tree, getting tail with the patients, and discovering their hypnotherapy treatments. But his true identity is discovered (apparently, he tried to get Blofeld out of the country so he could be arrested), and Blofeld issues his ultimatum face-to-face with Bond. The plot: trick the patients into dispersing viral agents back home, killing entire strains of plants and animals. The price: immunity from all past crimes, and recognition of his title. And he told this to Bond so the British and UN authorities would believe him. Well played, my good sir.

But Bond manages to flee the compound, and a ski chase ensues. Reaching a village at the foot of the mountain, he tries to shake his tail, when who should he meet but Tracy. They flee via car and manage to shake their pursuants just as a snowstorm hits, and are forced to hunker down in a barn for the night, where Bond proposes marriage to Tracy. The chase resumes in the morning, but this time Blofeld is on hand to trigger an avalanche. Tracy is engulfed, only to be rescued and abducted by his crew, but Bond escapes. M refuses to send reinforcements to take down Blofeld's operation, so Bond asks Draco for help. They raid the clinic, rescuing Tracy and disabling the evil plot. Bond chases the villain on bobsleds; he sticks the villain up in a tree, left for dead. The movie ends with Bond marrying Tracy... except Blofeld is alive, and he and his wife do a drive-by on the newlyweds, killing Tracy. You are now free to turn off your TV.

I applaud On Her Majesty's Secret Service for trying something new with its plot. Bond's conviction to take down Blofeld is a personally-driven goal, as he wants to finish the job he's spent the better part of a decade working on. And his relationship with the girl is a serious romance instead of the usual throwaway pleasure, thus making their marriage - and her death - that much more poignant. On the technical side of things, this film has dated less gracefully than other early entries in the Bond series; undercranking is frequent, and some of Bond's one-liners were very obviously dubbed in post. But all in all, On Her Majesty's Secret Service is a hidden gem in its franchise; it's a shame it hasn't gotten as much exposure in the TV marathons and such. Maybe it's because of the Bond actor, I don't know. But guess what - we've got Connery back for our next outing! 5 out of 5

The Call: 85% (B+)

IchigoRyu will return in
Diamonds Are Forever

Anime Review: Kaleido Star

Kaleido Star

• Studio: Gonzo
• Publisher: Funimation (USA)
• Network: TV Tokyo (Japan)
• Air dates: 3 April 2003 - 27 March 2004 (Japan)
• Episodes: 51
• Directors: Jun'ichi Sato, Yoshimasa Hiraike

This article was updated on 7 November 2014.

Riddle me this: Have you ever heard of the anime series Princess Tutu? It's supposed to be this awesome magical girl-type show which takes the roles of classic fairy tales and turns them on their head, brilliantly combining the elements of dance, fairy tales, and classical music into a genre-bending experience. There's just one problem... when I said dance, I meant ballet. Now I'm not the world's most masculine guy, but I have to draw the line somewhere, and considering that I already identify as a Lil’ Monster, Brony, Moonie, and... whatever a Totally Spies! fan calls himself, that's saying something. Now, I strongly believe that guys should be able to enjoy girlish things and girls should be able to enjoy… guy-ish things without being labeled a traitor to their sexuality, but… I think I’m gonna have to work my up way to Princess Tutu. Not that I’d try to review it anyway; apart from my aforementioned misgivings, there’s also a fantastic review on the subject done by JesuOtaku way back when, and with the knowledge and insight she exhibited therein, there’s no way I could one-up her. On the upside, its director, Junichi Sato (also the director of Sailor Moon), also created another series – one that should only make you rip a tiny tear into your man cards instead of shredding them up completely. Oh wait, I just said I don't believe in "man cards". Anyway, enter Kaleido Star.

Our series stars Sora Naegino (No, not that Sora. Not that one either.) (EN: Cynthia Martinez, JP: Ryo Hirohashi), a teenage Japanese girl who emigrates to America to join the Kaleido Stage. What is Kaleido Stage? It’s part circus, a little bit musical theatre, a little bit magic show, and so much more. In other words, it’s Cirque du Soleil on drugs. And the drug is anime. (Seriously, is Cirque do Soleil really the only example Americans can recognise!? I guess that just goes to show the stranglehold the Ringling Bros. racket has on our country’s market.) In the first episode, Sora spends her first day in America getting lost, getting her legs checked out by some pervert, and getting her luggage stolen. She gives chase on some roller-skates – think the skateboard scene from Back to the Future on steroids – again, the steroids are anime – and as a result, she catches the thief, but ends up missing the Kaleido Stage auditionfor her efforts. This comes to the displeasure of its current star, Layla Hamilton (EN: Sandra Krasa, JP: Sayaka Ohara), who won't let her try out, for the sole purpose of her being a little bit late. But it turns out the assumed pervert from before is really the founder of the circus, Kalos Eido (EN: Rick Burford, JP: Keiji Fujiwara), who puts her in their show at the last minute. Despite a rough start, and another dismissal from Layla, Kalos intervenes and lets her stay on as part of the Kaleido Stage cast. But Layla intends to put Sora through the ringer before letting her share her spotlight. Sora must push her body to the limit, and rely on the friendship of whomever she can manage, in order to survive.

Sora has talent, but that alone can only go so far in the world of Kaleido Stage.

The series is divided into arcs of five episodes or so, each focusing on Sora's attempts to master a certain act. Whether it's on the trampoline, tightrope, or trapeze, no matter what the circumstances, Sora tries her darndest to prove herself to people such as Layla and the manipulative Yuri Killian (EN: Illich Guardiola, JP: Susumu Chiba). Despite the occasional bout of sexual tension with characters such as Yuri, Sora never shows any romantic interest to speak of with any of the boys. Her raison d'etre is performing to entertain and/or inspire the audience. She is, above all other qualities, selfless, and in the hands of a lesser writer this would run the risk of portraying her as a pretty little perfect Mary-Sue. But her idealistic desires are used effectively, clashing with the harsh realities forced upon her by her peers. Sora is not immune to being comsumed by the metaphorical darkness, but she always has a way of bringing the light of hope back into play.

Yeah, the drama can get heavy throughout this show, but comic relief comes in the form of Fool (EN: Jay Hickman, JP: Takehito Koyasu), the self-professed "Spirit of the Stage" and our exposition fairy. Fool can only be seen by people who are true stars of Kaleido Stage, or on their way to becoming such. This leads to some… intriguingly realistic reactions when Sora first lays eyes on him and, instead of accepting him right off the bat, thinks she’s lost her mind. But once his presence settles in, he becomes a living barometer of Sora's psychological state. If she loses her ability to see him, then you know trouble’s going down. He also presents the audience, and occasionally characters, with fairly obvious foreshadowing in the form of fortune telling, either of the tarot card or astrology variety. And to round out his character, he has a running gag of making perverted suggestions to Sora, for which he either gets locked in a cupboard or punched into the sky, Team Rocket-style, for his endeavours.

I would say this kind of humour is inappropriate given the context that surrounds these scenes, but A) given the state of such context, I could use a break in the tension every once in a while, and B) all this is handled rather tastefully. In fact, whilst the show isn’t shy on the actual fanservice, it’s also done to a tasteful degree – and I can’t believe I’m saying this – but it even makes sense in the context of the show itself. Think about it – the work of a circus acrobat demands a high range of motion that won’t be hampered by an inconvenient costume, and plus, for the shows themselves, you’d also want costumes that pique the audience’s interests. What better way to accomplish both than, say, a leotard, or if you’re really lucky, something that bares the midriff? Throw in some choice stretches with camera angles that put the focus on certain choice body parts, and badabingo – fanservice you don’t have to feel guilty about! ...Did I mention the guy who created this also worked on Sailor Moon? And no, even the males aren’t immune to the fanservice stick.

The only major character who elicits a "meh" reaction from yours truly would be a mister Ken Robbins (EN: John Swasey, JP: Hiro Shimono). Ken apparently has a weak heart, precluding him from being an acrobat, so instead he got a job running the shows behind the scenes, controlling the set changes, special effects, and what have you. From the very first episode, he becomes one of Sora’s best friends, and I guess the closest thing she ever has to a love interest. But apart from the occasional bout of moral support, he does practically nothing else in service of the plot. Heck, even Sora’s other friends each get an episode devoted to exorcising the metaphorical demons of their backstories, but Ken? Not so much!

The second season mixes it up with two rival performers: Leon Oswald (EN: Mike McRae, JP: Takahiro Sakurai), a loftier-than-thou trapeze veteran whose backstory involves a dead sister, and May Wong (EN: Hilary Haag, JP: Mai Nakahara), an envious ice-skater who’s gunning for Sora’s spotlight. Sora’s conflicts, especially with these characters, highlight the struggle of performance versus technical skill. While Sora does have the goods, she is unable to nail everything that May, Leon, and others are able to pull off. Yet their style is cold and aloof, as if they don't even recognise the audience's existence, whereas Sora takes pleasure in making at least one of her fans smile. It really makes you think of which side of the performer-versus-technician debate is really better. If the decision were up to me, I’d say there are benefits to both approaches. A character who can pull off moves perfectly and effortlessly is awesome in his or her own right, even if -- or perhaps because -- their personality is so cold and aloof. As for the other side of the argument, it reminds me of that starfish fable. As long as the character can make a difference to even just one person in the audience, then the performance, warts and all, will have been worthwhile. So what side does Kaleido Star take in this argument? Well, let’s just say the main character is a "performer" more than a "technician".

Also, even though the conflicts in Kaleido Star are non-violent in nature, I don't think I've seen any antagonists who filled me with as much rage as Yuri and Leon. See, there was this one time when... Well, without wishing to spoil... I don’t know if I can go through with this. Folks, let me put it to you this way: I’m a huge fan of The Simpsons. But there are some episodes I just can never watch again. Because sometimes, unfair things happen to the main characters and they don’t get any decent justice for it. And I bring this up because the same is true for Kaleido Star. In an attempt to give the viewer a taste of the emotions Sora goes through, the series is rife with bittersweet moments. For example, there’s a bit where her parents visit Kaleido Stage, only for her to flub her act.  But then, her stepdad survives a heart attack, and they both have to head back home before they can see her act perfected. And that's only on the first DVD! There are similar moments here and there throughout the series, but there was one episode from season two which… I’m not gonna spoil it all the way, but suffice to say, it was so depressing, that even to this day it’s given me some form of anime watcher’s PTSD.

The Kaleido Stage productions are just as stunning for real-world viewers as for its in-world audience.

It is worth going through all that just to watch the finished acts. Like the superhuman feats of strength and spirit showcased in other genres of anime, the routines here are based in reality but throw in the right pinch of exaggeration and magic that only the medium can provide, to create the perfect spectacle. It also helps that they brought on the multitalented circus performer Atsushi "Dio" Kobayashi – no, not that "Dio" – as a special advisor. (Fun Fact: A character in one of the filler episodes was named Dio in his honour.) (Second Fun Fact: Ironically, the character Dio uses a whip, even though his namesake quit that act ever since accidentally injuring an assistant with one.) The end result is that the writers and animators know their stuff; they know the ins and outs of how each of the apparatuses are used, how the acrobats must train themselves to use them, and they also know where they can take creative liberties to create the perfect animated spectacle. Let me put it to you this way: if they made an OVA which was nothing but one full-length Kaleido Stage performance, it would be like the COOLEST thing ever!

Thankfully, the animation is up to the task of bringing it all to life where it counts, doing sweet justice to the many performace scenes. Even if the other scenes get the short end of the budget, such as some training sequences relying on a series of still-image overlays to show action, the animation quality never dips below comfortably competent even then. As for the voice acting, the Japanese dub has got the goods, with Ryo Hirohashi's Sora packed with the enthusiasm so inextricably associated with the character, albeit never crossing over the boundaries of being "sugary". The English version, whilst by no means being of 4Kids caliber, has a few more misses. In her take on the lead role, Cynthia Martinez does keep much of the emotion of her character intact, but sounds far too young and, dare I say it, annoying for a lead character. Ironically, the reverse is true for Serena Varghese as Rosetta Passel, the young diabolo champion who joins the cast a few episodes in, who sounds too old and wooden for someone her character's age. And rounding out his status as a "meh" character, John Swasey's performance as Ken is downright derpy. I do like how the English actors for Yuri and Leon did their respective Russian and French accents, but other than that, I can't completely recommend the English dub.

And then, there's the soundtrack. You may not think the soundtrack can make or break an anime, but it can. And in the case of Mina Kubota's score for Kaleido Star, it makes the show. The lighter scenes use cheery woodwind melodies, the more melancholy moments bring in solo horns or pianos, and the circus performances bring the whole orchestra together for an epic musical climax. In fact, I doubt that certain scenes would have had half the dramatic impact if not for the music scored for them. The same cannot be said of the theme songs, however, which are pretty much your standard female-fronted J-pop fare. If I have to pick a favourite among them, I'd choose "Tattoo Kiss", used during the second season, because unlike the others its melody at least has some texture to it, starting in a minor key only to crescendo into a major-key climax.

In the case of Kaleido Star, I do see a couple of flaws here and there. Some of the more emotional scenes are just too hard to sit through for some viewers, myself included, and of course the English dub's a little hit-or-miss. But let me put it to you this way: I don’t know if I'll ever raise a family. But if I do so, I would show this to my hypothetical children. Sora Naegino is just such a great role model for anyone who has goals for their lives. It's true that outside circumstances may put a damper on those plans, but with enough diligence and the right attitude, she can power throw anything life throws at her. Now that, more than anything I could say about the animation, the music, the storylines ‒ which are all fantastic by the way ‒ is the greatest compliment I could give anything. But even if Kaleido Star's problems are enough to dock it some points in the end, well, that's why I invented the Dragon Award modifier -- to celebrate those works which do something so amazingly and uniquely good, that I simply have to recommend them despite any minor flaws. So, if you can steel yourself for a bit of heartbreak, you're in for a fantastic treat for both the eyes and the heart. And hey, if it gets you turned onto Princess Tutu, so much the better! I won't tell.

Positives:
+ Superbly well-written characters.
+ The story is moving and even inspirational.
+ The circus scenes are well-animated.
+ The soundtrack complements the show's moods perfectly.

Negatives:
- Some episodes may be too heart-rendingly bittersweet for some viewers.
- The English dub is a little hit-or-miss.

Acting (English): 3 Fools out of 5
Acting (Japanese): 5 Fools out of 5
Writing: 5 Fools out of 5
Animation: 4 Fools out of 5
Visual Design: 5 Fools out of 5
The Call: 95% (A)

Film Review: You Only Live Twice

You Only Live Twice

• Publisher: United Artists
• Production Studio: Danjaq / EON Productions
• Release: 13 June 1967
• Genre: Action
• Director: Lewis Gilbert
• Producers: Albert R. Broccoli, Harry Salzman
• Writer: Roald Dahl

The Girls: Aki (Akiko Wakabayashi), a Japanese SIS agent, poisoned by a SPECTRE assassin, and "Kissy" Suzuki (Mie Hama), a civilian pearl-diver who gets "married" to Bond. A couple of girls so forgettable, they even killed off one of them, and you'd be hard-pressed to notice the difference. 2 out of 5.

Other Allies: "Tiger" Tanaka (Tetsurou Tanba), head of the SIS, Japan's equivalent of MI6. Also commands a ninja team which launches an assault on SPECTRE's base. Another joyful performance in the vein of Kerim Bey. 5 out of 5.

Richard Henderson (Charles Gray), one of Bond's contacts in Tokyo. He also has a fair camaraderie with Bond, having allegedly served in a war together.  Of course, that doesn't stop him from accidentally serving him a martini "stirred, not shaken".  Stabbed in the back by a SPECTRE assassin.  4 out of 5.

The Villain: Ernst Stavro Blofeld (Donald Pleasance), the number 1 executive of SPECTRE. While his performance is a little weak, the way he manipulates everyone, even those loyal to him, commands some thunder out of his presence. Plus, the way he's been kept out of sight for the past few movies only adds to the drama of his big reveal. Escapes after his operation is foiled.  4 out of 5.

Other Henchmen: Mr. Osato (Teru Shimada), head of the Osato chemical concern and an accomplice of Blofeld, shot by Blofeld; Helga Brandt (Karin Dor), assassin and the number 11 executive of SPECTRE, dropped into a piranha pond by Blofeld; and Hans (Ronald Rich), Blofeld's bodyguard and a Red Grant expy, thrown into the same piranha pond by Bond. A forgettable roundup. Not helping is the fact that Brandt and Hans are ripoffs of other characters (respectively, Red Grant and Fiona Volpe), and that Hans, in particular, is given very little to do. 2 out of 5.

The Gadgets: Not much in the way of gadgets. The most notable one is a miniature rocket launcher hidden in a cigarette, supplied by Tanaka's ninja team. As for vehicles, Aki drives a white Toyota 2000GT convertible, equipped with a closed-circut TV link to Tanaka.  Fun Fact: The car was originally sold only as a hard-top coupe, but since the 6-foot-2 Sean Connery could not fit comfortably inside, they modified it for the film to be roofless.  Not to be outdone, Q provides Bond with "Little Nellie", a personal helicopter armed with rockets, mines, and more. 3 out of 5.

The Locations: This film takes place almost entirely in one country, Japan, with the exception of the opening scenes in Hong Kong. Fun Fact: This is the only Bond film not to have any scenes set within the United Kingdom, unless you were to count their then-terrirory of Hong Kong. Second Fun Fact: The Little Nellie scene had to be filmed in Spain; it was originally set over a national park in Japan, but local authorities did not take kindly to stuff blowing up overhead.

The Opening Sequence: A boring intro that uses three elements: footage of volcanoes erupting in the background, and silhouettes of geishas and these spiderweb/satellite things in the foreground. 1 out of 5.

The Theme Song: Sung by Nancy Sinatra. It makes the opening credits even more boring, but at least the lyrics give you something to ponder: "You only live twice / or so it seems / one life for yourself / and one for your dreams". The very words I live by. 3 out of 5.

The Novel: This was the first Bond movie to noticeably differ from its source novel, thanks to replacement writer Roald Dahl (of all people). The book, which takes place after On Her Majesty's Secret Service, starts with Bond taking a cushy diplomatic job in Tokyo to recover his mental health after the death of his wife. Things get complicated when he discovers that Blofeld is living somewhere in the country, running a castle and garden filled with poisonous plants and animals. Tanaka helps Bond prepare a one-man ninja raid on the castle, where he kills Blofeld and his wife, but falls on the way out and suffers amnesia. Dahl was highly critical of the book, claiming it was a travelogue "with no plot in it which would even make a movie", thus prompting him to do a total rewrite.

The Plot: An American spacecraft mysteriously disappears from radar mid-flight, and Pentagon officials blame the Soviets for its disappearance. The British, however, are convinced a third party is involved. Cut to Bond, getting some sexy R&R in Hong Kong, when he suddenly gets shot up by two gunmen and is killed. Cue opening credits. Turns out Bond wasn't really killed; it was a publicity stunt organised by MI6 to give him some cover for his next mission: investigate leads relating to the rocket theft in Japan. In Tokyo, Bond makes contact with SIS agent Aki and expat Richard Henderson. Henderson suggests a third party is involved in the rocket theft, but is killed before divulging anything useful. Bond takes down his assassin, steals his identity, and hitches a ride to the Osato corporation's office. He steals some files and gets a ride out with Aki, who leads him into a trap. At the other end is her boss, "Tiger" Tanaka, and together they analyse the files, which include a photo of a shipping vessel, the Ning-Po.

The next day, Bond returns to the office and visits Mr. Osato in person, posing as an industrial buyer. From there, he and Aki drive to Kobe and investigate the Ning-Po, but Bond gets captured. He makes a deal with his captor, Helga Brandt, but on their flight out, she reneges and bails out, leaving Bond to crash-land the plane. He then heads for Tanaka's villa, where they deduce that SPECTRE could be involved in the orbital affairs. Once they identify the next place where the Ning-Po docked, he travels there on the Little Nellie, a miniature helicopter supplied by Q, and fights off some SPECTRE helicopters guarding the place. That night, a Soviet-manned space flight is captured in the same manner as before, worsening tensions between Moscow and Washington. Back in Japan, Tanaka and Bond prepare to assault SPECTRE's base with an assault team of ninjas. Aki is poisoned and killed by an assassin gunning for Bond, but he continues training and assumes a false identity in an Ama village near the base, complete with a cover marriage to Kissy Suzuki, a local pearl-diver. During a fishing excursion, Bond and Kissy slip away to investigate a suspicious dormant volcano; they discover it to be the location of SPECTRE's base. While Kissy leaves to contact Tanaka, Bond goes in alone.

Bond rescues some of the captured astronauts and takes one of their place in piloting a craft that would steal a second American rocket and precipitate nuclear war between the USA and USSR. But he commits a faux-pas, is caught, identified, and brought to meet Blofeld face-to-face. After receiving an overview of Blofeld's plan, he creates a diversion with one of his rocket cigarettes, enabling Tanaka's team to drop in from the fake crater. Heading out to his escape route, Blofeld shoots Osato for his failures, and tries to shoot Bond but is stopped by Tanaka. Remembering a self-descruct button in the control room he came from, Bond doubles back that way, taking down Blofeld's bodyguard Hans along the way. Successfully blowing up the SPECTRE spacecraft before it can capture the American flight, the Pentagon calls off its attack plan. But before Bond and co. can celebrate, Blofeld triggers the self-destruct sequence to the base itself. Bond, Tanaka, Kissy, and their team escape through a cave to the ocean, where they are greeted by some liferafts -- and an MI6 submarine, intent on crashing Bond and Kissy's "honeymoon". You are now free to turn off your TV.

In essentially re-writing the plot instead of basing it off of Ian Fleming's original novel, Roald Dahl may have borrowed a few pages from other Bond adventures, but he took some of the best pages. There's a reason the idea of getting two superpowers to fight and take down one another has been used so often throughout the franchise: it works. It serves as a politically-based source of tension without being overly complicated, and it makes you think about whether or not we as a people really want war. As for how it was executed this time around, it was implied in one scene that SPECTRE was engineering this conflict because they had been paid off by China, but I wish they had expanded on that plot thread. While YOLT lacks the well-developed intricacies of From Russia With Love, it makes up for that in the production design, not the least example being Blofeld's hollowed-out volcano base. YOLT could be described as a more typical action movie in some parts (you won't see a countdown close-shave in FRWL, for example), but that only helps make it more fun to watch. I just hope it helps you better appreciate entries like FRWL or the 2006 Casino Royale. 4 out of 5.

The Call: 75% (B-)

IchigoRyu will return in
On Her Majesty's Secret Service